Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Where do we go from here?

510 replies

GnomeDePlume · 16/10/2024 23:25

Up until 4 weeks ago DM(85) was doing fine. Lived alone in a bungalow with family member close by calling in regularly (most days) for general chit chat.

Then she took a fall and broke her leg requiring surgery.

In these 4 weeks DM has declined so much. Her short-term memory is shot. She has stopped eating, she still chooses food but then just pushes it around a bit without managing more than a mouthful. She still drinks water but isn't interested in any other drink (she used to be a big tea drinker).

DM is now in a ward waiting for discharge to another hospital where she will do some physiotherapy.

It all seems too little, too late. She isn't getting out of bed. Her world has shrunk from bungalow, well tended garden, clubs, to the tray over her bed.

Is there any coming back?

I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for. It all feels a bit miserable at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 11/01/2025 20:30

@Anjo2011 it's the siloed nature of healthcare I think. If you don't conveniently fit into one of their definitions then on you must go.

My suspicion is that there's some sort of performance indicator around how long someone stays on a ward.

No idea what they do if you arrive in A&E with multiple emergency problems. Draw lots to see which department gets you first I suppose.

DM continues to be mostly asleep practically all the time.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 11/01/2025 20:26

Please forgive me for being a bit blunt.
From across the other side of the world, reading this, it sounds like she is dying.
This may, or may not be the case.

As @Anjo2011 says, if she is not eating or drinking for a week, it does not sound like she is not medically fit to be moved unless it is for end of life care.
Take care 💐

Anjo2011 · 11/01/2025 20:08

Blimey it does sound as though they think are done looking after her. Have they said she is medically fit? How can someone who has been asleep, non mobile and not eating or drinking independently for a week be in any position to be moved/leave hospital. It sounds like more of the same, no communication and no plan. Fingers crossed the MRI results reveal some info. This echos so many people’s experience it’s shambolic. Think of you @GnomeDePlume

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 11/01/2025 19:57

DM's infection markers are now right down and apparently her dehydration issue is 'cured' so DM is now off the fluids drip.

All good except that DM is mostly asleep, only waking for a minute or two at a time and those times are few and far between. Are they expecting DM to absorb moisture out of the atmosphere?

DM is described as 'boarding' in the ward she is on ie no longer their problem.

DB and I suspect that the ward will be looking to move DM soon. Neither of us really want DM rotating round the hospital system so I have made enquiries about the nursing section at her care home.

OP posts:
Projectme · 11/01/2025 09:50

I know the feeling well; heart dropping like a stone when you see a random number phoning. It's good that you have something to take your mind off things, if only for a few hours.

Hoping things turn more positive for you and your DM over the weekend OP 🙏

Idontlikethewinter · 11/01/2025 07:37

Watching out for your phone all the time becomes an obsession, I know that feeling well. So pleased your mum is more settled, that's all you really want isn't it, for her to be relaxed and not in pain.
Hope you get some answers soon. The sewing sounds just what you need. Take care.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 11/01/2025 06:17

@Projectme thank you for asking. DM's situation just feels ever present now. She occupies much of my thought. Even when I'm working I am keeping half an eye on my phone waiting for the next update from DB. Or I'm working out when I can finish work to go over and visit DM.

Early on on this thread @Sittingontheporch described this as a fast moving situation with slow moving people. I have come back to that description many times as it is so apt. It now feels like the faster the situation moves, the slower DM moves. Or perhaps it is vice versa.

@AInightingale we are getting almost no information from the hospital but I assume the MRI scan is to look to see if DM has had another stroke. DM's infection markers are right down so I guess they are trying to work out what is actually wrong.

It is shocking all this has happened in the space of 4 months. Prior to her fall DM was living independently in her own home with just a bit of gentle family support.

But I have today off. Today I will start making a dress for DD. The fabric arrived yesterday. For me sewing is like mental yoga. You have to give what you are doing your full attention.

My heart goes out to anyone trying to negotiate the path of caring for elderly relatives. We are all on the same path but keep getting caught in fog.

Flowers
OP posts:
AInightingale · 10/01/2025 22:54

It's hard to take in such major changes over such a short period isn't it,@GnomeDePlume. Your first post was only in October 2024 & you said your mum had been fairly okay before her fall. Was the MRI scan for anything specific?

Projectme · 10/01/2025 22:26

It's good that she isn't so distressed. Nit so many staff around at weekends so best hope is a conversation with someone in monday. But how are you?

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 10/01/2025 22:03

DM seems to be sleeping all the time now. On a fluid drip as she barely wakes to take more than a few mouthfuls. Very dark urine but I guess this could be because of dehydration.

MRI scan yesterday but no one around to review it until Monday.

On the plus side DM seems less distressed, not plucking at her clothes. Just lying still and sleeping.

OP posts:
Projectme · 09/01/2025 20:30

Thinking of you. 💐

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 09/01/2025 16:49

Projectme · 09/01/2025 10:55

How did your DB respond to you initiating the conversation OP?

I think he was okay with it. Having the subject broached means it is no longer taboo.

This afternoon when DB was with DM she woke up a bit and had some banana but has now gone back into a deep sleep which hasn't been disturbed by trying to put a fresh canula in her hand.

DM's veins are terrible. Also now on clexane she is bruising horribly.

I will be visiting this evening.

OP posts:
WinterFrog · 09/01/2025 13:53

You are doing so well, advocating for your mum and extending such compassion and grace to your brother at this very stressful time. Best wishes to you all xx

WinterFrog · 09/01/2025 13:50

🌻

Idontlikethewinter · 09/01/2025 13:49

So very difficult for you and your brother. All that matters here, at the moment is your mum, if you think she's suffering unnecessarily have the conversation with her Dr and your brother.
Sending lots of strength and love.

Projectme · 09/01/2025 10:55

How did your DB respond to you initiating the conversation OP?

Candleabra · 09/01/2025 10:17

The GP started the conversation about DNR with mum. The on one of the visits to hospital the doctor sat me down and had the “when you know enough is enough” conversation (for the future).
Can you speak to the medical team as the initiation of the subject might fall better with DB from a neutral party.

Anjo2011 · 09/01/2025 10:12

It’s so tough to make the ‘decision’ of carrying on with treatment or letting nature do its thing. My DM would have been left double incontinent with no mobility and needing kidney dialysis three times a week as well and that was just for starters. At 87 that’s a rough road. We didn’t need to decide as she went of her own will in the end. Is there a DNR in place? Thinking of you at this most hideous of times.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 09/01/2025 10:01

I have said to DB that we need to have the conversation about when do we say 'enough is enough'. I don't know if we are at that stage yet but I don't feel it can be far off.

This will be difficult for DB but I do hope that me initiating the conversation will give DB the permission I think he feels he needs to let go when the time comes.

Families are complicated. DB has felt like 'head of the family' since DF died 30 years ago. In many ways I think he still feels beholden to DF. Not keeping DM alive will feel, to him, like he has let down both parents.

I'm the practical one, the pragmatic one, the less emotional one. I broke free from DParents a long time ago.

If it helps DB, I will push the hard decisions then he can blame me and never speak to me again. Except that we are co executors for DM's will along with DB2 who has tended not to feature in this family crisis.

OP posts:
Projectme · 08/01/2025 21:28

What a worrying time for you all. Sending strength and a hug 🫂 to you all.

WinterFrog · 08/01/2025 20:03

So much love for you and your family @GnomeDePlume 💕

Anjo2011 · 08/01/2025 17:14

@GnomeDePlume its just so sad isn’t it. I really hope the next few days bring some answers and plans. Not knowing is worse than dealing with the facts. Take care of yourselves.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 08/01/2025 17:07

DB has now got some information. DM is on a saline and glucose drip because she isn't eating at all. The IV insulin is to stabilise her blood sugar.

DM sound asleep throughout and DB not sure she is aware that he is there which is sad for him.

DB is very close to DM especially since DF died.

OP posts:
Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 08/01/2025 16:36

Would that that was possible. Doctors rounds are carefully timed to be outside of visiting hours.

DB is with mum now but I think he is frightened of doing the 'wrong' thing. It doesn't help matters that actual nursing staff are thin on the ground and DB struggles to understand when he does speak to them because he is a bit deaf.

OP posts:
Anjo2011 · 08/01/2025 15:45

Ask the nurses what time her Dr does the rounds and try to be there. Easier said than done I know. Find out what they are treating and why they are using the medications that they and what’s the plan and long term prognosis. It’s like running uphill through treacle. Sending best wishes.