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Elderly parents
Original poster

Where do we go from here?

510 replies

GnomeDePlume · 16/10/2024 23:25

Up until 4 weeks ago DM(85) was doing fine. Lived alone in a bungalow with family member close by calling in regularly (most days) for general chit chat.

Then she took a fall and broke her leg requiring surgery.

In these 4 weeks DM has declined so much. Her short-term memory is shot. She has stopped eating, she still chooses food but then just pushes it around a bit without managing more than a mouthful. She still drinks water but isn't interested in any other drink (she used to be a big tea drinker).

DM is now in a ward waiting for discharge to another hospital where she will do some physiotherapy.

It all seems too little, too late. She isn't getting out of bed. Her world has shrunk from bungalow, well tended garden, clubs, to the tray over her bed.

Is there any coming back?

I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for. It all feels a bit miserable at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 04/02/2025 21:43

Yes, we definitely need to get the staff involved. I will try and work something out.

OP posts:
Holesintheground · 04/02/2025 20:33

If the staff can see your routine from a diary/ whiteboard, can they in the morning say 'Gnome is coming this afternoon and she was asking if you were going to eat a good lunch. She'll be pleased if you do. Why don't we go down to the dining room and see what's there?' Play on your mum's desire to please or do the right thing - for good reasons..

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 04/02/2025 20:27

Thank you, yes it needs to be a prompt for someone to read it out to DM. Her eyesight is now very poor since the stroke last year.

That's a good idea about leaving space to add any thing extra to remind DM of what has happened or what will happen.

I want it to be something that isn't too functional in appearance.

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helpfulperson · 04/02/2025 20:17

We have a diary with a week to a page and pictured so only one week shows at a time. In it we write who is visiting which day. Normally during the visit we add anything of note we did or talked about.

This means staff can use it as a prompt. So she is upset in the morning staff member can show her the diary and say ' that's nice DB will be in after you've had your lunch.' Or if she says noone ever visits her they can say 'look Gnome was in yesterday. Wasn't that lovely to see the pictures of little gnomes prizgiving'

haveyouopenedyourbowelstoday · 04/02/2025 20:17

Hi! How about a white board? The days of the week with who's been/who's coming next?

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 04/02/2025 19:54

Does anyone have any suggestions for this problem please?

It is becoming very obvious that DM's memory is pretty much shot. DB visits her every day except Sunday yet she forgets that she saw him yesterday, forgets she will see him today and that she will see either him or me tomorrow.

This means that DM gets very despondent until a visitor arrives in the afternoon. Unfortunately this means that DM is often too miserable to go into the dining room to eat lunch. She gets her lunch brought to her in her room but isn't interested.

Is there a way of reminding DM she had visitors the day before, will have visitors that day and will have visitors the following day?

I was thinking some sort of simple flip file. Perhaps asking that her carers read it out to her.

Is that a daft idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 01/02/2025 16:37

@Randommother I'm glad your DM is settling into her nursing home and reaping benefits from it.

I think nursing homes can offer something hospitals just can't. Hospitals are focused on treating whatever the specific medical issue is but the second the patient no longer needs acute medical intervention they are moved on.

My DM isn't going to get better. Hopefully the nursing unit can help her to improve life now.

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Randommother · 01/02/2025 09:06

Sorry @GnomeDePlume but that made me laugh - no one is ever more suited to a ward environment!! I hope she settles well in her new room. Mum is now in a nursing home and she’s so much better than she was in hospital. The staff are great, her bed sore is finally showing signs of healing that it just didn’t in hospital, they’ve successfully treated a chest infection and put her on a new pain management regime. We still have a lot of issues to overcome, but medically I can’t fault them! Also, despite asking multiple times in hospital, she’s finally been referred to mental health services for support!

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 31/01/2025 05:59

@Anjo2011 I am glad DM is moving as hopefully it will reduce the risks of infection. This is another reason for being glad we chose this home as this has been an easily managed move.

DB is happy as to him it means DM will be better 'supervised'.

I think he is slightly disappointed DM will have her own room. He did come out with the classic quote 'I think DM is more suited to a ward environment'!

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Anjo2011 · 30/01/2025 21:07

@GnomeDePlume Is it a temporary move or more long term? I’m sure this will work well as there will be less chance of trips to hospital and the cycle of being in a&e and then admitted. How are you feeling about it? I’m sure your DM will be well looked after and this will be a relief for you.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 30/01/2025 20:48

DM on the move again tomorrow this time within her care home. Being moved to the nursing unit, essentially a nursing home within the care home. The benefit of this should be to improve infection control. NHS or social services (I cant remember which) are funding the additional cost.

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Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 29/01/2025 16:36

@Anjo2011 Thank you

And thank you to everyone who has offered excellent advice and different perspectives.

This is all new for us as a family. DB is doing his best but the whole situation wrong foots him at every turn. His normal coping strategy is to find someone to blame and then fulminate about them. This doesn't work when there is no one to blame.

DB not happy at my suggestion to wait out of sight of people in the dining room. I suspect he has huffed and puffed all the way to visit DM today but has probably done as suggested.

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Anjo2011 · 29/01/2025 13:40

@GnomeDePlume as always lots of sensible and considered responses. You are doing a wonderful job advocating for your DM as is everyone that is in/has been in this situation. Sometimes it’s good to just offload. I think there will be continued twists and turns for you as a family but you can only deal with the here and now and you are doing brilliantly. Sending good wishes as always.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 29/01/2025 11:22

@Holesintheground yes, I think you are right. DM is very conscious of not wanting to be 'told off' for making the 'wrong' choice or having a different opinion.

It occurred to me that DM has spent a lot of her life being told what to do. Her own parents, DF (who truth be told was a bit of a bully), supervisors at work and now DB. Being allowed to choose for herself is probably confusing and a little frightening.

@WinterFrog you are right about having to deal with the family dynamics!

Any road up I spoke with the care home. Explained about DM not wanting to make the 'wrong' decision and being worried about being 'told off'.

Also got told that DB sitting straight outside the dining room is distracting DM from eating her lunch. I have passed that on to him!

OP posts:
WinterFrog · 29/01/2025 09:14

@Holesintheground what a wise and insightful post.

@GnomeDePlume I think negotiating with toddlers has stood us in good stead for the trials of later life! Family dynamics are the issue here aren't they? Other People ( those not related) are generally easier to manage 🌻

Holesintheground · 29/01/2025 07:51

I wonder if the staff member who came in found your mum in a more tired/less responsive mood, perhaps said 'would you rather have your tea in here today?' and your mum then went with the cue of what was 'expected'. They are generally pretty skilled at coaxing people into the dining room but will also be on the lookout for people who might be having a less good day and need to be left.

It's fine of course to enforce your boundaries with your brother when he goes into bossy mode. Easier said than done though too 😔 The point I might make to him is that it's a marathon not a sprint now, and one day's events are not something to over react to. Your mum isn't lonely and miserable on the basis of one day of staying in her room and you shouldn't have to jump to it on that basis. At the same time there's no harm in you having a more adult, diplomatic conversation with your mum's carers, when it suits you, about the benefits for her of always being encouraged to come to the dining room whenever possible.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 29/01/2025 07:29

@WinterFrog it is a lot to take in isn't it? So much change in such a short space of time.

I feel a bit like I did when DCs first started school. 'Will they be happy, settle in, make friends'. How much do I need to involve myself in day to day issues? In fact starting school was easier because DH and I were a team. Now I'm harnessed with DB who only wants to be a team if we are pulling the way he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 29/01/2025 07:21

@WinterFrog you are absolutely right. I am expected to be the 'fixer'. DB stomps about, treading on people's toes, upsetting them. I go in afterwards, smiling, saying thank you, generally pouring oil on troubled waters. And dealing with any practical issues.

Sounds like you have a similar family dynamic.

DM isn't comfortable with saying what she wants. A lot of her delirium dreams centred around her being 'in trouble' for voicing an opinion.

OP posts:
WinterFrog · 29/01/2025 07:20

@GnomeDePlume we cross posted, and that makes perfect sense to me. I think you have an excellent nose for what's really going on.
There's a little cafe in mum's home, and I stopped off after visiting her one day. I was clutching a cup of tea and probably staring into space. The receptionist came and asked if I was ok, and i told her I'd found the whole situation just a bit much that day. She was very sweet, and said I wasn't the first, and I was welcome to stay as long as I needed to, as they aim to look after whole families. I felt very supported in that moment ( and lucky that we found a nice place)
Sending hugs ( Wish we could have a coffee or shout at the sky together. I'm sure it would help!)

WinterFrog · 29/01/2025 07:08

@GnomeDePlume I hope it helps you that there are people on this thread/board who hear you and understand! Not just with your mum but with your brother. Being expected to be the fixer is something i understand only too well.

@PermanentTemporary and @Anjo2011 have got a point.

I imagine your mother is being offered choices in the home. I was with mine yesterday when a staff member came round and asked her where she would like to have supper. She usually chooses to meet her new friends in the dining room, but occasionally stays in her room.

I love the sound of your Sunday afternoon with mum 💕

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 29/01/2025 07:04

I didn't explain the dining room business very well.

DM likes eating in the dining room, not in her room. Food brought to her room is likely to be left untouched. DM needs the social cues of eating with other residents to encourage her to eat anything at all.

Yesterday, DB believes (he was there) that DM was being encouraged by her care workers to stay in her room rather than be moved into her wheelchair to go into the dining room.

This then meant that DB and so DM slipped into a slough of despond.

The whole thing was, I suspect, a problem with communication. The staff are keen to encourage all residents to make their own choices. DB does not come across well when he communicates with staff and possibly comes across as bullying DM.

DM is a people pleaser she is also now very reflective of the emotions and atmosphere around her. She isn't yet used to the change in 'social rules' especially compared to hospital. In hospital, patients do as they are told and have very little free will. In the care home, residents are encouraged to make their own choices.

Problem is that, now, DM is often not sure what she does want or possibly isn't comfortable about expressing what she wants. She doesn't want to annoy the staff, she doesn't want people to be cross with her.

I do wonder if this is fairly common where people have had extended stays in hospital. Out of the last 19 weeks DM has spent 15 weeks in hospital doing as she was told.

I will phone the home to see if I can talk this through a bit with the care lead. They will have experienced this before and may have some suggestions. DB would be useless at asking their thoughts because he doesn't consider them as being worthy.

OP posts:
Anjo2011 · 28/01/2025 23:00

Why can’t he say something if he feels it’s an issue. I agree I wouldn’t be ringing them to ask but you can always query if you feel
you need to on your next visit.

PermanentTemporary · 28/01/2025 22:25

@GnomeDePlume honestly how about not calling the home? If your brother asks, say you forgot (or straight up lie and say you did). Or are you trying to prevent him calling them? It sounds so pointless. I'm.assuming once I go into a home I'll want to eat in my room, why would I want to go to the dining room at that stage?

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2025 22:05

DB has informed me today that DM is 'lonely and miserable'. I am supposed to sort this out.

DB thinks I should visit after work (the very earliest I can get to the home is around 6.30). If DM is asleep I can wake her up.

All this stems from DM not being taken into tea today and having her tea brought into her room. I don't know why this happened, allegedly DM was encouraged to stay in her room rather than go into the dining room.

It is perfectly possible there were good reasons for this. DB didn't ask and is assuming there is some sort of conspiracy to keep DM in her room.

So tomorrow I will phone the home and ask and gently remind the care lead if DM can be encouraged into the dining room as she doesn't like eating in her room.

TBH I think the person who is lonely and miserable is DB. DM takes her emotional temperature from DB. If DB is cross or upset about something then DM gets cross and upset. DB seems to be entirely incapable of doing jollying along.

I know there are standing orders about killing one's brother but surely there can be extenuating circumstances?

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Projectme · 27/01/2025 10:56

@WinterFrog My DM is very much of the same view inasmuch that it was deemed totally unacceptable to have a sleep in the afternoon! She would say what a waste of a day; now she naps on/off all day long. MIL is complete opposite and would vocally look forward to getting back into bed at around 2pm!

@GnomeDePlume my brother was the same when speaking to the care home staff when DM was in there...so rude to them, he would talk down to them, he would have a very patronising and condescending attitude to everyone in there. (don't wish to derail but we no longer speak (which is very much a good thing!) so I've no idea what his views or attitudes are anymore. He doesn't see our parents anymore. Sad for our parents but probably for the best given his horrible attitudes towards people in general.)

Glad to hear you had a nice afternoon with your mum. It's a shame you have the spectre of your DB kicking off at any given moment though. Makes a difficult time even more difficult.

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