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Elderly parents
Original poster

Where do we go from here?

510 replies

GnomeDePlume · 16/10/2024 23:25

Up until 4 weeks ago DM(85) was doing fine. Lived alone in a bungalow with family member close by calling in regularly (most days) for general chit chat.

Then she took a fall and broke her leg requiring surgery.

In these 4 weeks DM has declined so much. Her short-term memory is shot. She has stopped eating, she still chooses food but then just pushes it around a bit without managing more than a mouthful. She still drinks water but isn't interested in any other drink (she used to be a big tea drinker).

DM is now in a ward waiting for discharge to another hospital where she will do some physiotherapy.

It all seems too little, too late. She isn't getting out of bed. Her world has shrunk from bungalow, well tended garden, clubs, to the tray over her bed.

Is there any coming back?

I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for. It all feels a bit miserable at the moment.

OP posts:
bestbefore · 18/10/2024 13:02

Am in similar position with my df. It's very sad. He's been in rehab but was stubborn about the exercises. Will see how he fares at home with help.
Depression is a big issue as well.
Getting old sucks!

PiddleOfPuppies · 18/10/2024 12:41

When MIL was refusing food after she broke her leg and subsequent surgery, we found it was because she was terribly constipated - partly because she was dehydrated and partly because she wasn't coping with the lack of privacy. She also had no appetite because she simply wasn't burning calories. Once she was up and moving independently, she picked up no end.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 17/10/2024 07:45

@Mancity08 much sympathy for your DMIL. It does feel that the sudden shock of the fall, surgery, strong drugs etc can knock a person completely off track.

@EmeraldRoulette thank you. I think it is hardest for my eldest DB. He is visiting DM every day, encouraging, talking to staff etc.

The problem is that nobody seems to know anything. But this is typical for this particular hospital. It has been at the centre of multiple issues.

@PermanentTemporary it is strange about the not eating. The hospital food is very plain. DB and I have both taken in bits and pieces as mum has expressed interest but those are all sitting untouched. DM 'makes the right noises' but when it comes to it she is not actually eating. She just doesn't want to eat.

@BlueLegume TBH we just don't know where DM will be sent to next. Though it sounds like your DF got a lot out of the facility he went to.

The care DM is receiving is fine on the whole. Though I was quite shocked that on one day when DM was very distressed (insisting she was going home that day, complaining she had been made to sleep in a concrete tunnel) the staff just kind of looked at me. I suggested UTI. That didn't seem to have occurred to anyone. Antibiotics prescribed and she was fine again.

OP posts:
BlueLegume · 17/10/2024 06:12

@GnomeDePlume sorry to hear about your Mum. Is it a rehab place or a reablement centre? The reablement facility our father went into was really good - although not appropriate for him longer term. The plus side was there was a mix of people - a recovering alcoholic who had been in hospital having been in a fight was brilliant with Dad. They made a comical pairing. There were people recovering from surgery etc. What the place did I still in us was the understanding of ‘baselines’. Essentially what the new place Dad was at to look to the future. For you that might be is Mum going to be able to get out of bed and start trying some new things. It was a busy place with chair activities for those with mobility issues, a gym type area with supervision for those wanting it. Mealtime was a communal affair. If she gets something like this little things may fall into place if she can gain some confidence.

PermanentTemporary · 17/10/2024 05:07

Have the team mentioned possible delirium? Have they tried helping ger to eat - not forcing it in but eg load the spoon and just support it to her mouth? Have they assessed her mood?

The rehab stay is a good idea, I hope things pick up at least to some extent?

EmeraldRoulette · 17/10/2024 00:31

Well hopefully she gets into a rehab ward where they will be better able to help and also kinder.

you will hear all sorts of stories but you just don’t know. A place with more care can make a big difference. I wish her the best and I hope you’re holding up as well as possible 💐

Mancity08 · 17/10/2024 00:26

My mil broke her leg in 2 parts she went into hospital was given room if her own. From there she went to a cottage hospital for physio for about 6 weeks.
when she came home to her apartment she was never the same, she always used to go down into the lounge and would be the chatty woman she was. This all stopped, she’d tell us she’d been but hadn’t we found out. She was supposed to walk more for her leg, she just sat in her chair. She’d tell us she’d walked down the corridor but hadn’t. Even the house manager spoke to her daughter to say she had not been joining in .
None of us no why she changed it just all seemed to happen after she broke her leg and the long hospital stay.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 17/10/2024 00:20

The hospital she is in have been talking of moving her to a rehab unit. We are in quite a big county with small specialist units scattered all over the place.

The ward she is in now (this is her third ward) is supposed to be a kind of holding place while next steps are determined.

We (her DCs) are concerned that essentially nothing is happening. Mum has become disinterested: in food, in moving, in getting out of hospital.

There have been some attempts at getting her to stand but these have been very painful and largely unsuccessful. I met the main physio. Probably great at jollying injured footballers along but I felt lacked the gentleness/kindness an 85 year old needs.

At some point does the hospital say they have done what they can and wash their hands of her?

OP posts:
Obsessedwithsourdough · 17/10/2024 00:15

I’ve heard of this happening a lot. It seems to be incredibly common. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but gentle encouragement and finding things to interest her may help her regain her zest for life.

olderbutwiser · 16/10/2024 23:57

Long hospital stays are crap. Its not unusual for elderly people to become confused and disoriented, they experience muscle wastage and lose their appetite because they are stuck in bed so much of the time, the original fall plus being infantanilsed means they lose confidence and can get pretty depressed.

Some people can bounce back from this - maybe not to where they were but certainly to a much better quality of life. But there are no guarantees I’m afraid. What do you think he chances are of moving her to rehab or her being able to manage at home with carers?

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