Where do we go from here?

You could be leading my life @WinterFrog !

Sadly it doesn't sound as if your mum will be able to live in her own home and stay safe; when the hospital staff social worker assessed mine re discharge, the biggest concern was that she would fall again very quickly, probably while getting out of bed at night to try to use the bathroom alone. At least that SW was realistic. A care home was presented as the only option. There is a mat with an alarm thing on it beside her bed so they can respond quickly. It will be a miserable worrying life for you if you have a very vulnerable person in their house with only carers coming in.

Best wishes to everyone else here who has elderly parents going through similar 💐 And of course to the poor patients themselves 💕

I'm feeling a bit like the little boy in the emperor's new clothes story. I've had staff telling me how well she's doing, brothers saying she's telling them she's eating like a horse etc. Yet each visit i find cold tea, abarely touched plate of food, uneaten food gifts ( sweets/fruit) If I manage to coincide with mealtimes then I assist her with eating as she's not managing very well at all. Still eating very little when I help her. She will drink tea when I'm there though.

She's barely continent- in pads and knows when she needs to go but can't wait long for assistance. So every day I'm taking home wet clothes to wash. The ot keeps telling me how her cognitive function is improving and yet Mum is telling quite tall stories about what goes on in the ward and makes very loud and inappropriate comments about staff and fellow patients. She can hold it together well for people she wants to 'impress' (for want of a better word) in short bursts.

I realise people want to be positive, but I do see her continuing to need 24 hour care as she doesn't seem to understand her loss of ability, so can imagine her trying to get up to use the commode on her own, and falling. The ot said she wants to get mum in the kitchen and work on making a cup of tea...this week...when she's managing about six steps on the zimmer frame at the moment. What they are saying vs what mum is capable of doing are worlds apart. And I end up feeling I'm pouring cold water on the optimist they all seem to feel.

It also apparently is down to mum whether she goes home or to residential care, as she is considered to have the capacity to decide. This alarms me too, as like @GnomeDePlume I don't think she has the capacity to understand the ramifications of the decisions she makes. She'll certainly need four care calls a day, but unless my siblings are willing to take their turns with me in sleeeping/waking there overnight, that won't be enough. At the moment it doesn't sound likely and I'm not in a position to do it all. Mum will be staunch in her denial of reality, so I'm hoping that the staff involved in the decisions about her discharge will pay attention to what we say, and not just her.

Beyond stressed, writing all that down!

Hugs to all on here xx

@GnomeDePlume thinking of you and sending love and solidarity to you and yours 💐

Sorry OP, I've just read on further and seen that things seem to have taken a turn for the worse. I'm so sorry to hear this. In a way though I'm glad I've found this thread as I have few people in real life that seem to understand really. My partner doesn't like her much so he tends to focus on the 'why doesn't she want to get better' aspect, my brother is estranged from her, and none of my friends have elderly parents.
Really hoping that you get some clarity at least of what's going on.

My mother has had recurrent episodes of this, they called it 'ICU delirium'. She thought she was in a film, called my dad at 1am to ask him to bring her shoes as she said she needed to evacuate everyone to the car park. It's distressing and I am still not convinced that there's no underlying cognitive decline (she's been pretty vague on some things for a couple of years now) but all the professionals she's seen seem cheerily unconcerned and again, my dad doesn't see it, or want to.

I have no advice but just sympathy, I'm in a very similar position. Mum 78yo mum went in at the beginning of sept with one health condition (which she had been ignoring symptoms of for a couple of months), spent a month in, tried to come home, could not cope so went back to a rehab unit (wish they'd just recognised that this was needed in the first place) and is now back in hospital due to more health issues. She has completely lost her mobility, is basically in nappies, barely eats (though that was an original symptom), has lost all interest in reading/crosswords, and is now sleeping a lot. She had to go back to main hospital last week due to more emerging, small health conditions.
My dad visits every day but the prognosis always seems vague. She told her rehab she wanted to get 'back to normal' (very sedentary life spent mainly at home) but she seems to have no drive to get better and also seems so vague about what is happening to her. She just seems to be accepting things happening rather than actively trying to get better, which sounds harsh but it seems to be the only way to describe it.

I feel like she went in for one pretty serious condition but all other aspects of her health went out the window. It's great that her original issue was under control but she got no physio or help with food while she was in there and the nurses treated her like a child which didn't suit her already spiky disposition.

Sorry, that's turned into a rant, but I just wanted to say that I understand the feelings of helplessness and confusion. I am trying to help by supporting my dad but I live 100 miles away, am pregnant with a toddler and already have a difficult relationship with her. It's so hard to know what's going on in her head as that generation sometimes just don't talk about it. I've told my dad that she's likely very depressed but he doesn't really like to talk about it.

My mum isn't even eating sweets or biscuits if offered, that's very out of character for her! It's as if her appetite has just been switched off.

I am sort of in the same position as you OP - mother who was then 89 and dealing with dementia had a bad fracture four months ago, was in rehab ward for six weeks then discharged to a care home as a return home was deemed impossible. She had a lot of urine infections which caused weird disorientation, was also badly constipated at a couple of points. She has been sick and struggling with poor appetite for weeks now. Care homes are always full of sickness bugs and they were blaming that, but I can't see how it can be causing her lack of appetite, for weeks on end like this. Sorry to hear your mum has had a stroke too. No advice really, we are in the dark too, just solidarity, it's bloody awful.

Sorry I should add DM did have carers 4 times per day at home including a lot of support from family. She was very ill when in hospital and family called a few times as she was so poorly. Her spell at home was good for a couple of years before deteriorating and being hospitalised for the final time. DM had cancer and was then diagnosed with vascular dementia, she had a series of mini strokes and Alzheimer's.

Very similar happened to my DM. Hospital were going to discharge straight to a nursing home but we agreed they would discharge to her own home if we organised 24/7 care to see how it went. To cut a long story short it went amazingly well from the first night home. No one could believe how much she changed for the better once home, completely back to normal and didn't need 24/7 care. Everyone was shocked at the turnaround. As the saying goes there's no place like home. Hopefully it will be a similar outcome for your DM too.

My parents broke a leg in similar circumstances and i am sorry to say but it was the beginning of the end.The geriatrician explained to us, that frailty is characterised by the inability of the body to readjust when something goes,wrong.she sailed through surgery and the next,t few days, but then just stopped eating and was asleep all the time.

What comforting words @chosenone Best wishes for your mother's continuing recovery 💐

@GnomeDePlume my goodness your poor mum's really gone through the wringer! What a rollercoaster for you, too!
What you said about the siloed way of the hospital, and mum not being seen as the 85 year old lady that she was, all rings true to me as well.
I'm feeling so very protective of mine, though she's actually being very well looked after. Just bewildered and vulnerable.

I feel for you, it’s a terrible time. My DM was very similar, after being on three wards and then bed blocking she seemed to give up. She went to the respite unit which was lovely and was disinterested in food and drink, she thought people had been shouting at her in the night, said there’d been a big sing song when there hadn’t etc. I thought she had rapid onset dementia! We persevered with high calorie drinks and went down the Uber smiley, cajoling her to eat and drink route (like a toddler tbh).

She wouldn’t engage with the Physio at all. Eventually she was discharged home with carers 4 x a day. She seemed the same for a few weeks and then fast forward to now. She has become much more with it and lucid again. She has suddenly started eating all her favourite food and will drink beakers of water or cranberry. She is desperate to get moving again and can’t remember not engaging with the Physio. She even insisted on ringing the GP herself the other day. It’s really very odd. So your DM may come back to some extent. It’s possible, especially if she does engage with Physio. Try and keep positive with her. Also, she may not and the realities of being bed bound are very difficult to see and now my DM has ‘realised’ she is embarrassed about it all.

Take care of yourself too, it’s very difficult ❤️

I'm so sorry that this is so fraught for you @GnomeDePlume It all sounds very difficult 💐 Mum's rehab unit says four to six weeks on average, but they'll extend it if the patient is showing progress and would benefit from more therapy. It's very distressing seeing our loved ones so frail, isn't it, especially when it seems to have come on so suddenly. I fear our our mother's time in the unit is the calm before the storm, as whether she returns home or to a nursing home, there is going to be so much to sort out. But I'm finding not knowing what the future holds quite difficult too.
I wish you all the best!