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Elderly parents
Original poster

Where do we go from here?

510 replies

GnomeDePlume · 16/10/2024 23:25

Up until 4 weeks ago DM(85) was doing fine. Lived alone in a bungalow with family member close by calling in regularly (most days) for general chit chat.

Then she took a fall and broke her leg requiring surgery.

In these 4 weeks DM has declined so much. Her short-term memory is shot. She has stopped eating, she still chooses food but then just pushes it around a bit without managing more than a mouthful. She still drinks water but isn't interested in any other drink (she used to be a big tea drinker).

DM is now in a ward waiting for discharge to another hospital where she will do some physiotherapy.

It all seems too little, too late. She isn't getting out of bed. Her world has shrunk from bungalow, well tended garden, clubs, to the tray over her bed.

Is there any coming back?

I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for. It all feels a bit miserable at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 11/12/2024 17:19

Moving in day is now set for Monday all being well.

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Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 11/12/2024 17:16

@WinterFrog I send 🌻🌻🌻 back (sunflowers are my favourite flower). I totally get your feeling of being frazzled and run ragged. With a side order of not doing 'enough'.

DM isn't really sure who I am now, just someone who visits so in that sense she doesn't blame me for anything because I haven't done anything.

I suppose your DM is lashing out at you because she knows that you are safe and won't retaliate.

Doesn't make it easier though does it?

I expect it's a form of induction crisis. Like a new starter in a job looking back at their old job with rose tinted spectacles. Is the care home aware? I'm sure they will have seen this many times before. They may have strategies to help.

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WinterFrog · 11/12/2024 15:33

Hello! From a weary WinterFrog. Your mum may well move this week @GnomeDePlume Mine was assessed and moved within 4 days.
I get what you're saying about the underfunding. It's abhorrent!
My mother threw me yesterday by returning to her old self becoming a bit demanding. Suddenly it feels like nothing is good enough, despite our very best efforts. Suspect she's overtired, and reality is dawning. I feel desperate for her in her sadness at her loss of independence and mobility, alongside frustration.
I have chased up one or two referrals and learned that it's the home's responsibility going forward. I have taken to my bed for the afternoon, feeling utterly frazzled. A rare and decadent thing, but I'm going with it as all the recent responsibility has caught up with me (and the feeling of never quite being good enough)
The moment will pass, so i will just send solidarity to all of you here 💐

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 11/12/2024 06:30

@Randommother 💐 that is good that your DM is able to get some movement and feeling back.

Are they not able to give your DM some small exercises which she can do in bed? Mind, it took a few asks to extract even a leaflet for my DM.

It is difficult to know what the best answer is. Discharge to a care home but knowing you are risking a dash to A&E. Or stay in hospital where at least your DM is on a ward but the care is basic.

The geological speed at which everything happens in hospital is so frustrating. Things get promised (such as physio) but then don't happen because a name is missed from a list or the patient was away from the ward having something else done when that particular specialist called by.

It is under resourcing at such a fundamental level. There is no 'spare' in the system anywhere. So when a team member is off, even the basics can get missed. Nobody notices that Bed 8 hasn't had taken a drink in several hours.

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Randommother · 10/12/2024 22:42

That’s great news @GnomeDePlume, I hope it all goes smoothly!

I was able to visit mum today for the first time in a few days (I came down with the dreaded norovirus!). She’s doing well, but everything is frustratingly slow… She’s starting to get some movement and feeling back in her left hand, but because of all the complications she has, they aren’t doing any physio.. I’ve asked for a meeting tomorrow so we can discuss next steps - ideally I’d like her out of hospital and in a care home but I’m not sure when they will class her as medically stable. The hospital have been great, but they are so understaffed they are struggling to meet her basic needs and it’s taking its toll on her, both mentally and physically.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 10/12/2024 21:15

DM assessed by the care home today so fingers crossed they are able to meet her needs. I spoke with the nurse who deals with moves and she said all went well. According to her the move could be this week.

DB thinks the move wont be until next week. But I suspect that is because that is fast going in his head!

We shall see!

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Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 09/12/2024 08:32

Thank you so much @WinterFrog 💐wise words.

I will add personal alarms to my lengthening list of questions to ask.

Orientation clock is going on the list of things DM will need when she moves. That and a complete new wardrobe. DM has lost so much weight.

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WinterFrog · 09/12/2024 08:01

Morning! Take a pause, dear @GnomeDePlume and breathe 💐
Agree fully with the notion re hygiene and infections. Even with a mo lift, mum should be able to be transferred to a shower chair. Mum sits on a glide-about shower chair for her showers ( a waterproof, draining wheelchair basically which moves sideways as well as backwards and forwards)
The carers and cleaners are in and out of her room all the time. She's fairly reliable in using the buzzer now ( it's like a life line round her neck) but they don't ignore her, and check in anyway.
The other thing is that as there are nurses there, they can do the urine dip tests and call the GP ( and get taken seriously more readily than the rest of us ever can)
I know what you mean about the purpose built homes vs the ones in Victorian houses. I've worked in the latter ( some years ago) and while the care is still excellent, the facilities in these corporate type ones make the experience much easier.

OT in the rehabilitation unit did a lot of work regarding orientation, but mum has taken a leap forward now she's surrounded by some of her own things and has more stability. Highly recommend getting her an orientation clock. I bought one from amazon and i noticed her checking it while we chatted yesterday, confidently commenting on it being Sunday. The whole set up is helping her feel more independent and empowered than she was in the hospital. I appreciate that it can't fix her health issues but i very much hope that the home as a good an outcome for your mum as it has been for mine 🙏

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 09/12/2024 07:23

@AInightingale thank you. Your suggestion that it is a general hygiene problem makes sense.

@Holesintheground the community hospital DM is in right now doesn't have a doctor on site, so everything will have to wait until morning. Major emergencies have to travel by ambulance to the main hospital in the next town.

So I suppose a care home isn't less well situated. At least it is in the same town as the main hospital.

My mind is cycling through a lot of 'what ifs...' at the moment. Not least of which is who will spot if DM is ill while in her room.

DM will have a buzzer but all her recent illnesses have been characterised by confusion. Not recognising that she is in hospital, that she is unwell.

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AInightingale · 08/12/2024 21:31

If it's any comfort to you @GnomeDePlume my mother hasn't had a UTI since moving to her home three months ago. She had them virtually back-to-back in the hospital, I really don't know why. Perhaps hygiene procedures are better in homes; washing someone in bed or just cursory wet-wiping in a hospital toilet is a messy business and probably conducive to infections in women, especially. My mum is showered regularly and hasn't had any problems, fingers crossed.

Holesintheground · 08/12/2024 20:17

They usually get their GP in to examine the person and prescribe as needed when a patient is ill.

Are the ward prescribing something for her?

Anjo2011 · 08/12/2024 20:09

@GnomeDePlume I hope the hospital get on it asap and it doesn’t worsen and then your DM can be moved somewhere more comfortable. I have no experience of care homes but would guess/hope that they have a Dr either on site or on call. It’s like being on a hamster wheel isn’t it.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 08/12/2024 20:04

Thank you for the tip @Holesintheground

Got a small problem. It looks like DM is cooking another UTI. I visited her this afternoon, she thought I was her sister and wanted to leave with me to go and visit her parents.

How do care homes deal with this situation?

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Randommother · 08/12/2024 12:26

@GnomeDePlume I'm so pleased you’ve found a good home for your mum, hopefully she’ll be in and settled soon xx

Holesintheground · 08/12/2024 10:43

@GnomeDePlume purpose built is definitely a plus. Then they have things like wider corridors so that more than one (slow moving) resident can pass by easily rather than it being a squish and a squeeze as it can be in older buildings. My dad's home was one and it was well arranged.

This may have been mentioned but name tapes for clothes, like the school uniform kind, are useful so then it'll be clear which are your mum's when they are laundered. It was such a relief to me when my dad eventually moved into his care home that he was safe and looked after and I wasn't worrying about what had happened if I rang and he didn't answer the phone. He was always dressed neatly, clean shaven as he preferred, when I visited and the staff were so skilful - he'd always resisted help with personal care at home but in the care home they made it seem like a treat for him and he was happy to go along with it.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 08/12/2024 10:18

Good morning @WinterFrog 🌻

Yes, it's a chain which does give it quite a corporate look which I prefer. Purpose built which also helps. The converted edwardian vicarages put me off as so many of them look down at heel even on their websites when they should be at their best.

There seem to be quite a lot of activities on offer. Not sure if DM will actually do many but she will like the possibility.

Yes, hallelujah for DM having the funds for this. So glad we managed to deter her from doing equity release at one stage.

What your DM is experiencing is what I am hoping for my DM. You are reassuring me. My DM is in a similar situation in terms of needing to be wheeled about.

I have to speak to the customer manager tomorrow and get the ball rolling. Hopefully assessment later on this week then get DM moved in as soon as possible.

DB is leaving this to me. DD and I were discussing DB yesterday. His problem is that any type of change makes him anxious. Even just saying goodbye at the end of a visit to DM involves a lot of faffing.

Drives me bonkers. If I am giving him a lift I will be standing in the corridor, coat on, keys in hand while he is still picking up his bag, looking for his coat, saying goodbye, making a comment to DM, putting his bag down, looking for his coat again.....

Any road, I shall sit down this evening after visiting DM and start writing lists.

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WinterFrog · 08/12/2024 07:16

Morning @GnomeDePlume I am glad you were pleasantly surprised by the home. Is it one of the big care home chains? Mum's really feels quite opulent. Grateful that she's able to self fund as it was good to have the choice of homes.
She's definitely treated as a resident and not a patient, and she's offered choices all the way. She's blossomed in the couple of weeks she's been there. Eating better as despite being immobile she's wheeled to the dining room where she sits with her new friends. She also enjoys a bit of chit chat with the carers and housekeeping staff. The receptionist and other non clinical staff also greet her by name.
DH is threatening to move in as well 😂
Wishing your mum a smooth and stress free move ( is she awaiting an assessment) Mum had someone come to assess her at the hospital.
💐 to you and all dealing with all this!

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 07/12/2024 20:38

@WinterFrog it was certainly a lot nicer than I was expecting. Like a golf spa hotel but without a golf course or swimming pool. I'll need to sort mum with some new clothes, she has lost a lot of weight.

@Weenurse I think DB is realising that he doesnt get a choice so is leaving it to me to sort.

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Anjo2011 · 07/12/2024 20:28

That’s good news, I hope the process is easy for all of you.

Weenurse · 07/12/2024 20:10

How does your brother feel about it?

WinterFrog · 07/12/2024 19:46

GnomeDePlume · 07/12/2024 19:40

Visited the care home today. It does seem very pleasant. A hotel-like atmosphere with residents rather than patients.

So now I need to set the process in motion.

That's great to hear. Sounds like the one my mum is in. Nothing like they used to be!

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 07/12/2024 19:40

Visited the care home today. It does seem very pleasant. A hotel-like atmosphere with residents rather than patients.

So now I need to set the process in motion.

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Weenurse · 06/12/2024 21:04

Good luck with the care home visit.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 06/12/2024 14:21

@AInightingale I can't criticise DB's commitment to visiting. He has visited DM in hospital 6/7 for the last 3 months. He plans to continue this.

We are all older, DB is retired, though I'm still working FT. My DCs are all adults now.

My frustration is at DB wanting to control everything when that isn't possible. He can then be tricky to deal with without getting annoyed with him. He is very intelligent and remarkably idiotic at the same time!

@WinterFrog I understand, wanting to just visit without constantly thinking 'what do I have to deal with or sort out next?'

That is good about your DM being kept busy. That is something I am hoping for my DM.

We have good news! The care home I liked the look of has space for DM. DD and I are going for a look tomorrow.

OP posts:
WinterFrog · 06/12/2024 13:11

I recognise that dynamic @GnomeDePlume
Deeply frustrating!
I feel that @AInightingale has a good point about residential homes. So far someone has visited daily, but it's becoming clear that mum is being kept quite busy and we are slowly stepping back. We're having another calm period, but soon well be needing to consider a house sale and that will be hard.
I am really appreciating being able to visit mum and not be feeling responsible for groceries and laundry. Just enjoying her company..

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