Where do we go from here?

Still early days for us too @GnomeDePlume Four weeks rather than four days. I'm feeling quite conflicted if I'm honest. I was hoping to see her and enjoy her company more often, but I am feeling the urge to back off a bit now. I'm finding the carers are behaving as though they know her better than we do, and that's frustrating. Mother's in some denial about her frailty and she's evidently confused. The carers are so set on being positive that they won't acknowledge it even when she's not present. So i find myself wondering if her confusion, in particular, is just my imagination. They just don't spend that much time with her, and she can hold it together in short bursts. I did finally get them to pay attention about a particular safety issue, but only after the physio said the same thing I (and brothers) did.
They're all about person centred care, which translates to asking her what she wants every step of the way, so she's decided they're all idiots who need her to tell them what to do. I used to be a carer and her complaints about them really press my buttons. I did work with some who were really bossy with families and it irritated me then as well, but I also know how hard they work to look after the residents.

And I know that it's in part due to her condition, but I find it frustrating AF when she wants to do things, won't let me help, then complains that the things aren't done. She's been like this for some time but it's ramped up since her stroke.

The toiletries thing is odd. We've figured out for ourselves now what is/isn't provided, but I was a bit startled when they gave her toilet paper for her to blow her nose on when she had a bit of a cold. I have to wonder how residents without families to provide these things cope. And also would have appreciated a list of what we're expected to provide.

I think what i need to do is let her settle, pop in when I can and let them take responsibility for her but that's really hard after several years of being at her beck and call so she could remain 'independent' at home. It should be a relief but instead I feel sad.

As @AInightingale said, not having to think about grocery shopping, and not receiving updates is quite unexpected. I guess this is a change that we're all having to come to terms with, not just our parents.

The other thing I've noticed is how institutionalised she's becoming. Her life is revolving around the home 'gossip', the chats with the carers, who said what at her dining table, and she's lost interest completely in what her family are doing ( she has grandchildren and great grandchildren) Again it makes sense that her world has grown smaller and intellectually I understand but emotionally it's feeling quite difficult.

I've just returned from visiting so feeling particularly emotional about it all. The main thing though is that she is safe, content ( mainly!) and being cared for. I'm a big girl and I shall get a handle on it, but today feels hard.

So all the 🍫 this afternoon, and i shall raise a glass to you all ( and our parents) this evening 🍷
🍷 🍷 🍷 😂

I'll go and look at that one too. Thanks.

The pressure definitely eases off once your parent is in a care home. I was expecting constant phone calls but have only had two in three months - one to say my mother had norovirus, another to say they'd started her on antibiotic for a bad chest.

It feels a bit strange to realise that you never have to get food shopping again - I'm still having to shake off that feeling in the supermarket of 'what does she need?'. The only things we need to provide now are toiletries, and as my mum has stopped snacking, we're not buying biscuits or sweets (I don't think they approve of this anyway because of the choking risk.) And assisted living was also a lot of phonecalls for this,that and the other - 'your mother has run out of teabags' and such like. My brother had to drive 8 miles once to change a lightbulb in her living room because it was the 'tenant's responsibility'.🙄 It has got easier, but that's not to say I don't expect crises in the future.

There is a thread rather darkly called “So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die” which has a lot of posters with parents in care homes.

It’s not purely about those with parents near the end, it’s more about dealing with everything involved in ageing parents.

You are welcome @GnomeDePlume and thank you for the beautiful flowers!
There is a script somewhere for never married brothers, I swear. Hopefully the staff can help with room-leaving encouragement. It's still early days and she's probably knackered.
I haven't visited in an evening so I don't know what time they close up. It's definitely a much nicer place to visit than hospital, I agree. Mum is certainly more aware of time and place, and she's put on a little weight which is a good thing. She's seen a visiting physiotherapist now and the exercises have been put on her care plan, so hoping that her mobility will improve. I don't know if it's too late for her to be independently mobile after being off her legs more or less since the summer. I think she may get stronger but her balance is still quite poor. It's rotten for her really as she was previously so independent.

Onwards and upwards for us all, hopefully . Best wishes all round. I was wondering about starting a thread about having parents in nursing homes @GnomeDePlume What do you think?

Morning @GnomeDePlume How's it going? Is he a single brother by any chance? The mother/brother dynamic sounds familiar. Mine mean well too. I've had to be willing to make the unpopular decisions for mother's well-being. And put them into action, and let them take credit for some things when it feels useful (to me) Bless 'em all.
How is mum settling in? Are you still feeling frazzled or has the move helped settle your insides? It took a good couple of weeks for me.
☕ 🍫 🍷 << covering all bases there!

Just sending a hand hold @GnomeDePlume Nothing is straightforward, is it? I do know what you mean about how much difference there is between daytime and evening visits. @AInightingale is right about nursing homes being routine led. We've found this and mum is more settled. I hope brother can start a settled routine with her of his own. I have a brother who needs routine. Also older than me and retired.
Ah the disappointing meals....see also, favoured and non- favoured carers. X can do nothing wrong and Y can do nothing right.
I am trying to remain gracious as the last three months have been so much upheaval for mum, but she's currently pressing all my buttons!
Wishing your mum peace and contentment in her new home, and the very same for you and the rest of your family as you all come to terms with these changes 💐

I hope this works well for you DM and allows you all some quality visiting time.

Hospitals are horrible for old people, very disorientating and undignified. Nursing homes are very calm and quiet and routine-led which is probably what she needs.

That’s good to hear @GnomeDePlume, I hope she settles in well

I was just thinking about you. I hope mum settles in well!

I've only just come across your thread '@GnomeDePlume . I'm keeping all things crossed that the move happens smoothly and your DM settles very quickly.

My 'D'B went AWOL when DM became ill 3 years ago so it's all down to me to advocate for her (no LPA for health/welfare; I don't want to have it) and my DF who has been her main carer since and is also deteriorating very very quickly these days. It's very hard work caring for someone even if they're bed bound with 4 x carers in every day. I hope your DB appreciates the work that you've put in to finding the best potential care home for your DM but given he's a 'Controller Of All Things Important' you'll be waiting a while for the thanks!

He sounds a handful all right @GnomeDePlume!
Do you think your mother is aware?
My brothers pussyfoot too, so I get things done and then my mother tells me I'm bossy.
It's quite exhausting isn't it?
I like your plan for brother. Oh so tempting 😂

Thank you @Anjo2011 I hope you are doing ok. I'm feeling rested and ready to face the world again 😊

@WinterFrog I’m all for some self preservation and if it’s needed don’t fight it. I hope you feel better for it. It’s relentless especially when you think you are walking into one scenario and you are presented with another. You are giving your all, remember that and it’s ok to take a step back sometimes however small.
@GnomeDePlume Sounds like things are moving well. I hope the move goes as planned and that it gives you all some relief. The environment will be better for DM and you all. Visiting will be more calm and you will be able to get some actual information on what’s happening. I hope it works out well.

Thank you for your post and the sunflowers 🌻 too@GnomeDePlume I am sure you're right. I just need to regroup, and get a handle on my emotions. Nearly had a cry at the receptionist, but I managed to keep it in check, and got myself a cup of tea instead.
Very best wishes for the move. I hope it works out for the best!
Grateful for this forum and the lovely people who understand! 💐