Where do we go from here?

@GnomeDePlume 🌻 🍷
What else to say about your brother really. I know a few men like that. My brothers have their faults but those specific traits are not among them. Hugs to you as you navigate this

So sorry to hear about the fall @GnomeDePlume I'm glad she is unhurt.
My mother is worried about falling out of bed. Elf and safely apparently now decree that beds shouldn't have the sides up like they do in hospital. The argument is that there's a risk of bone breaks should the person inadvertently slide an arm or leg between the bars, or attempt to climb over them. We were told this by the rehab OT and by the person who did mum's assessment. It boggles my mind as I worked doing care in the community and we would always put the sides up ( trained to do so) We did lower the beds close to the floor overnight though. Mum's not considered a risk but if she were, they'd provide a kind of crash mat apparently.

Poor mum is really quite anxious after being in a double bed for 60+ years. The single profile bed must feel very narrow 😔 They used the sides in hospital as there was more observation (allegedly!)
Mum's most recent falls at home were sliding off her chair. Looked like that might happen in the hospital a couple of times so they had her in a deeper wheelchair kind of thing. We brought her a riser recliner for the home and she seems safer in that, though she runs the risk of playing with the controls and tipping herself out.

Solidary, once again, to all in this stage of our own lives 🌻

This is the reason MIL is resisting it. We've tried to talk to her about it but she won't listen.

This. And often falls happen because the person is doing something risky eg walking to the toilet without their stick or frame - my dad did this all the time, even though it slowed him down and made him less steady, because he wanted to show he could do without them. That's more likely at least to be noticed in a care home and someone will say 'Hey, Joe, where's your frame?' and or get it and or help him along. But as @AInightingale says you can't guarantee that unless someone watches them 24/7.

It's also more likely that someone in a care home will recover better from a fall, because they'll be noticed sooner instead of spending hours lying on the floor, they'll be checked over and a doctor called if needed, and so on. Glad your mum seems ok @GnomeDePlume .

I think the main reason many try and get by without residential care when in all honesty it would be the best solution is a built in fear of leaving your family with no inheritance if self funding and those that can't be self funding need to have considerable needs to get care funded- and of course there are also the odd very greedy folks out there who would try and keep parents out of much needed residential care if it's going to seriously deplete their inheritance

Short of (a) having someone inches from the old person 24/7 like a presidential bodyguard or (b) swaddling them in bubblewrap, there is nothing care homes can do to ensure no falls or trip injuries whatsoever. It would only be negligent if her care plan stated that she needed, say, two people to help her up out of bed, and only one person was available. Your brother sounds like a bit of a pain moaning about it. Glad your mother is okay because you really don't need A&E right now.

@GnomeDePlume has acknowledged that her brother visited more often @WellsAndThistles but even so, your post does sound a little bit barbed. OP works full lime and has a family; her brother is retired. Brothers are well able to pass on info though if there are concerns.
I was/am still in the position sometimes of shouting into the void about mother's confusion, suspect decision-making and general frailty, but this is easing as her regular carers get to know her and she's allowing her mask to slip a bit.
Just visited mine today and she informed me she's going home next week because she doesn't like the food. It's heartbreaking that she really pictures herself being back as she was before, if only she was at home.
It's tough, and it's rubbish being old, and so I, like @CaveMum wish us all best wishes, hugs and patience in the coming days.

Just adding an edit as I didn't realise this thread was so long so what I originally said below isn't really relative now!

Presume you weren't the close relative visiting her everyday so it could be she was struggling a bit before but you were more of a 'fair weather' relative who didn't see the decline?

Just saying this as we had relatives like this with MIL that had no idea how much she was declining as they only seen her every few months and had no idea she was setting the cooker on fire, not having showers, not doing laundry or cleaning and generally starting to fall apart. It was us as the daily visit family that kept on top of those things for her.

Sorry to hear about the noro virus in the ward @Randommother Miserable for everybody. My mother had a patient with covid in her hospital ward at one point, but they kept it contained, and we just had to wear ppe when we visited. Nobody else caught it, so it was over and done within a week thankfully.

It's definitely calmer in the nursing home but also a feeling of just looking after the residents as they are, so that's a big change from the rehab unit. Mother is meant to be up on her feet and walking, in an attempt to build her muscle strength. But they also don't push it because they have to give people the choice. So mother says no, she'd prefer the sara-stedy, and so that's how she travels. In rehab it took one carer but in the home she's what's known as a 'double-up' meaning two carers for mobilising her. She's had a cold though, so is extra tired. Hopefully come the new year she'll have a bit more get up and go.
@DaisyStarburst it seems very few older people willingly sign up for residential care. It generally takes either a hospital admission ( mine had a stroke and @GnomeDePlume's broke her leg)or family carers burn out from trying to hold it together. My poor mum is still expecting to recover and go home but at the moment it would be impossible without 24 hour care. I can't see that changing quite honestly but it's really hard to tell her that.

Love and best wishes to all on here. I hope everyone plus their loved ones had some joy over Christmas 💐 🎄

Sending best wishes, hugs and patience to all today and in the coming days.

I've been reading but not commenting, interested because of MIL although we are not quite at care home stage yet but she is struggling at home and refusing to give in. Best wishes to everyone.

Wishing you all, and your elderly parents a very Merry Christmas! We’ve finished opening presents here so I’m going to shower and head to the hospital to see mum. There’s another noro outbreak on her ward so it’s been closed for over a week (again) but they are allowing us in today and tomorrow. I’m hoping she’ll be moved out from hospital to a care home at some point early in the new year, from reading everyone else’s posts it sounds like a much calmer environment.

Glad to hear your dm is sounding a bit more settled @GnomeDePlume.

I went to see my mother today and the home is in the middle of a flu outbreak, everyone masked up and old people coughing their heads off. I don't think the vaccines have been very effective this year and the damn thing is everywhere.

Couple of our hospitals locally are already under 'extreme pressure' with v long corridor waits and the most I'm hoping for until the end of January is that my mother doesn't have to attend one for any reason.

Both my parents developed different preferences in care homes Dad started taking sugar in tea and I was in once when he got quite cross with a member of staff who forgot. And my mum started eating mushrooms which she had always hated. We'd told the care home this so they offered her a different soup and she was adamant she wanted mushroom like everyone else. I'm guessing it was related to the dementia

So sorry about your mum being in pain @GnomeDePlume 😔 The sheepskin sounds like a good idea. I hope the staff are managing it properly. Pressure sores must be so painful.
I am not sure what my mum really thinks. She's never been one to admit defeat, and I have to admire her indomitable spirit. Home would not be as comfortable as her lovely room with the large bathroom. I think what she's really missing is her independence, but home would give her less, not more, of that as it's not so well set up. It would be all compromise, with a commode and no chance to shower as the bathroom wouldn't be able to accommodate her hoist or wheeled shower chair.
It's all so sad isn't it?

Good to hear mum's made it to the dining room @GnomeDePlume I hope it gives your brother some confidence. Are they hoisting her into a wheelchair? Mum's ok with the sara-stedy to wheelchair at moment. Would bed- care follow for your mum if she could no longer cope with the hoist? Is it hurting her?
I'm feeling more myself again today. I think we talked about acceptance upthread, and for me it's an ongoing process. Mum is aware enough to know where she is and why, but is anticipating a miraculous recovery despite being reluctant to do the exercises the physio has set her. She still talking about looking forward to getting home, and doing some gardening, as if it's a foregone conclusion. I can feel my heart rate rise just thinking about responding to that. So far we're just kicking the can down the road and suggesting she thinks about it after Christmas, once the weather improves and so on.
I have a people-free afternoon here and I'm off to spend the rest of it with my nose in a book.
Best wishes to all ☕ 📙 🌻