Where do we go from here?

How is everyone else doing? 🌻

Hi @GnomeDePlume I went awol and deactivated my account 🙃
Hence slightly different user name...
How are things with you and your family?
My mother is intent on going home to get out in her garden because we've had sunshine.

I am going to look into live in carers, or at least overnight cover, but would really rather she stayed put!

She’s certainly keeping you on your toes! Glad it was resolved fairly quickly. The phone ringing still gives me anxiety now.

Have you/DB asked them to phone you if she refuses to go to bed? I wouldn't expect to get a call from the home about that. So what if she won't go to bed, she can sit in a chair all night. That's not uncommon in care homes. Dealing with people 'hiding' behind curtains is part of the bread and butter of dealing with dementia patients. Did they expect you to go along at night and help with it?

@GnomeDePlume how scary for you all. Glad that it was resolved quickly, but yes it often seems that they’re determined to kill US off first!

My dad has another appointment to try without a catheter. It’s his 3rd one, they normally only allow 2 attempts but dad pushed really hard to have another one. I can’t see it going well, last time he nearly ended up back in hospital because he refused to let them out it back in and ended up in agony unable to pass urine and they had to call the District Nurse at 11pm to come and put another one in.

Oh dear. I sympathise so much. The last couple of years of my mum’s life with periods of relative calm punctuated by life or death crises gave me extreme anxiety. Even unsolicited phone calls can set me off years later. It is a rollercoaster. I do hope you’re managing to look after yourself, and I know it’s hard.

Thanks @GnomeDePlume in the end we were in A&E until 9pm. They did a variety of scans and tests but couldn’t find a reason for his symptoms, which naturally had resolved completely by the time he was seen. We were discharged with a referral to the TIA clinic (though nothing showed up on the CT scan) and that was that. A very long and stressful day - I was up at 6am to drive the 3.5 hours to visit them and we didn’t get back to their house till 9.30pm.

I stayed the night, as was the original plan, and then left them at midday to come home as DH is away with work for a few days from Tuesday morning so I need to be here for the DC.

We’ll see what the next few days/weeks bring, but it was bloody terrifying- I had a good cry on DH once the kids were in bed this evening.

So it’s fun and games here. I’ve come to visit my parents for the weekend and help out with a few. It’s and pieces and within an hour of arriving my dad had a very scary episode that seemed like a stroke - he was slurring and incoherent, couldn’t stand or lift his arms. We mended up calling 111 who said they were sending an ambulance, so now I’m sat at A&E waiting for him to be admitted.

Naturally he’s rallied and is almost back to his normal self, but the paramedics want him to get a scan to make sure it wasn’t a TIA.

Hope everyone else has a quieter weekend!

I like your spin on things @GnomeDePlume I'm fairly certain my mother's less good days have a reason too. I wouldn't be surprised if she's still having small TIAs ( has a history) One of her comrades at the home recently passed away quite suddenly, and of course that's upsetting too. She's missed the funeral of another friend, and it's been quite a year of losses all round. It must be terrible to face your own mortality like that, and I have a lot of sympathy for her, but I still get that kick in the gut feeling when she snaps at me. It doesn't last though. When something's wrong, everything's wrong does sound familiar. It's quite nice to be able to step away, knowing that she's in safe hands, and that tomorrow is another day.
Those wheelchair cushions are good aren't they? Mum's had a cut away piece where her coccyx goes, which is helpful as she has a bony bum now.
Great news that brother gave you an apology. Wonders will never cease! You're so right about taking each day as it comes ( applies to brothers and mothers!)
🌻 🌻

Morning! @GnomeDePlume I'm actually less stressed about visiting now mother is in the care home. I am sorry it's so difficult for you. We are fortunate in that mine is still well enough to enjoy the company of carers and other residents. I think you are in a really difficult position with all the health issues your mother has/is facing, and with your awkward brother added on top 💐
Similarly to yours, mum's cognitive decline was evident but she also had coping strategies at home. She had managed to convince her daily carers that she was sharp as a tack, and so they didn't see the same risks as I did ( brothers and I also felt that they didn't believe us - and same for other medical professionals)
I'm finding it comforting that the care home staff do see her more clearly, but they also know how to manage her and keep her feeling reassured and safe. She does seem to be drinking more, thankfully ( also point blank refused fortisip, like yours)
My mother's situation could so easily have mirrored your mother's. At the beginning it could have gone either way. It's just the luck of the draw I think. Sending my best wishes!

Good ideas!
I hope you find peace around your family situation @GnomeDePlume It can't be easy. My brothers are quite sweet and thankfully not bossy, but they are mother's golden boys and just leave everything to me.

Mum was on good form this morning so I had a nice time with her. It's always been a bit hit and miss, our relationship. Like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates.

Just caught up with this thread. Re the rememberingredient who is going to / has visited when we visited one home there was a resident who was constantly asking staff if he is having a visitor (he asked the person showing us round). They'd given him a small diary he could keep in a pocket and family put planned visits in it so whichever member of staff could ask for his diary and tell him who is coming and when even if it was just am/pm.

This is all such a minefield! I think brother is your main problem @GnomeDePlume Your mum is probably as content as she's going to be. I wonder if you need to just to what you can, and are responsible for, and let brother do his thing.
I came across Mel Robbins and the 'Let Them' theory somewhere on these boards recently. I listened to her on a podcast, and she's got a book out as well. I think you might find it useful 🌻

My mum is well aware of home, and she still means her own home. What she's failing to process is that she's not there because she wouldn't cope. She believes she'd be ok because she had good coping strategies before her hospital admissions. She's very clear on what and how she would do things, such as commode by the bed. She knows she can't get up unaided at the home, but believes she'd be able to at her home. She's talking about cooking and gardening again. What an amazing positive attitude though!
She'll still argue black is white on other subjects too, so I agree with her mainly. It's a bit like a conversational quickstep.

Is there not a lounge and dining room in the nursing wing?

I know how hard it is to stop trying to make things better but is your mother content? Sometimes that is all you can ask for. Things may not be perfect or the way you would want them but any move know would probably distress her even more.