I feel so sad that my elderly mum's best friend has abandoned her in her hour of need.

People on here end regularly decades-long friendships because they forgot a birthday, cancelled a meeting last-minute, weren’t made a bridesmaid, never texted first, made other friends, were frequently late, had a childfree wedding, ‘stole’ their baby name etc etc etc.

She sounds like a fair weather friend to be honest. Now your mum is of no use they have removed themselves and found a new couple for company. Hopefully your dad can join some groups and forge new friendships, plus luckily he has your family.

That’s your opinion but not a statement of fact. I try not to pass judgement on people as everyone is human and it’s easy to say how you would react but people are different. My husband barely visited his gran in the home at the end of her life because he couldn’t stand to see her like that. She wasn’t abandoned, she had other family. You don’t get to say his reaction is indefensible as you don’t know him or the circumstances. Also in some cases the children may have been treated horribly by their parents when younger. Dementia doesn’t just affect kind nice people.

I don't know what your expecting. People don't want to be around those who are sick / ill. I think maybe 1/10 would continue a relationship but the majority will slowly exit the relationship.

Its terribly sad for you but you have unrealistic expections. People are generally self centred, some are just better at hiding it.

@AgileGreenSeal ah you must also have experience of these people. That's exactly what I saw.

As someone myself who is very seriously unwell and have the misfortune of these people as relatives -they must be put at a distance when you are vulnerable.

OP - your instincts are right.

You never warned to her. Felt she was bossy, domineering.
Is it possible she has narc traits?
I know from bitter experience they cannot abide people being ill and will punish those who are.

Exactly. People don’t suddenly turn into unfledged angels in their eighties. There was another recent thread about an 87 year old man moving in next door to an OP who was, before she met him, cooing over the idea of this sweet old granddad who would need ‘checking in on’ and help with shopping, and was completely blindsided when he turned out to be a sex pest with a flash car.

I could have written this post about my lovely DM. All her "friends" and even her sibling, my sibling and DNs dropped her like a hot potato when she had a stroke shortly after DF died. After an initial call of "how sad" there was tumbleweed for 7 years until she died. Unless there were queries about money when all of a sudden there was a flurry of interest!

Looking back I think some friends of similar age may have been frightened by the stroke and feared for their own health. One even asked me if a stroke was contagious fgs! I got a lot of excuses such as "I want to remember her how she was" when she would have so appreciated a cheery visit for 30mins once in a while. She had been unstilting in her support of them through tough times. I was sooo pissed off that those she considered her best pals for nearly 40 years just gave her a wide berth.
Only one dear couple continued to keep in touch with her and I still see them for coffee from time to time because I know their continuing friendship and affection meant so much to her.

There are some people who will stick by you through everything. And there are others who vanish at the first sign of illness, dementia or terminal illness. I've known several people who refused to visit a terminally ill friend because they wanted to remember them as they used to be. Some people find it frightening or embarrassing or avoid the situation.

It does sound as though Joan has stuck around though. She still phones, several years later. She sounds a bit thoughtless about what she's talking about but she could be trying to make conversation and filling it in with what she's done that week.

When the shit starts to hit the proverbial fan, I think it's common for people to abandon ship.

As your mum worsens and people around ( such as your dad) become more desperate for support and to share the emotional load, the Joan's will demonstrate how incapable they are of giving anything. I understand how difficult it is for anyone to face someone declining in this way so I don't want to be too condemning. I've got an idea of the sort of person Joan may be from what I read so far and the Joan's tend to cause more pain and upset to the people dealing with worsening, desperate situations than providing anything positive.

The sad conclusion is therefore that your dad can only truly benefit here by cutting Joan and her husband loose. If it's of no benefit to him to take the calls, I personally would not. All Joan is doing with her calls is either satiating her need to be seen to be doing something or taking the opportunity to remind herself ' thank god I'm not dealing with a shitty life like this' . I'd try help your dad find other outlets. I doubt it's hurting your mum. It's your dad and yourselves who need to distance from Joan also.

Joan has not abandoned her best friend! She phones every week, presumably at least in part to see how she is, and still occasionally visits.

I'm not saying Joan is being friend of the year, but she hasn't vanished.

If your mum has known her her whole life, you must have a relationship with her too? Can you take her for a cup of tea and while having the tea ask her to visit? At least that way you would know you had done everything you could. I'm not blaming you by the way. I can just see that it would be terrifying to see your best mate like that. I sincerely hope I wouldn't abandon my best friend like Joan has but the truth is you never know how something is going to feel until it happens.

I’m going to be harsh, healthy people in their prime do exactly the same thing with their friends if they become chronically ill.
People, regardless of their age, don’t like illness.

What I’m finding more interesting is that , because we’re talking about older people and dementia, suddenly, it’s a really unkind thing to do. I haven’t seen people reacting like this with younger people tbh.

I'm 67 and can understand Joan withdrawing. As we age we cannot cope supporting others with increasing dependencies- it's just too much to get overly involved or take on responsibility emotional or otherwise. We are facing our own aging and mortality. And want to spend our time doing whatever it is we need to do. Caring at the level required by your mum becomes too great a burden.

I think this must (unfortunately) be relatively common. My grandparents were best friends with another couple for years and years. When my grandmother had dementia and then died, they stopped seeing my grandfather “because it’s too sad for us to see him on his own without her!”

… How do you think he feels?! Poor bloke.

So what she’s doing on the phone to your dad is exactly what she’s always done. OP, you’ve never liked her, by your own admission. You didn’t like the way she was around to your mother in the past — why did you think anything would have changed because your mother developed dementia?

The ‘friendships’ people describe on here frequently near no resemblance to what I’d consider a friendship, but they clearly have some value for the people in them. Most people are doing their best most of the time, and yes, sometimes that best is inadequate, but it’s unreasonable to expect someone to become ‘better’ in your eyes because your mother is ill. Would you be equally cross if Joan visited your mother in person and monologued about her new friends and going to old haunts with them? What is it you think she should be doing?

OP, no two dementia journeys are the same.
Six years is a long and painful journey for your parents, you and your DSis.
However, if Joan has stuck by your mum until only recently, and still phones once a week, she is a trouper. She might not be the friend you would want for your parents but she hasn't abandoned your DM.
You indicate that Joan and her husband would never be left alone with your mum. I find this really odd that friends of such long standing need to be chaperoned; if anything. a visit would have been an excuse for your DF to get a little break in the years of DM's illness, albeit, less so now that they hardly visit...
The longer this thread has continued, the more your 'sadness' appears to be out and out anger towards Joan. To be fair, she doesn't sound like the kindest of friends, but she has shown loyalty. I suggest gently that you don't discuss Joan with your DF any more and that he screens his phone calls.