What’s reasonable to expect from siblings?

Is it realistic for your DM to be at home for much longer? Have you had discussions with your siblings about this?

it would be fair and reasonable to share support of your parents amongst the three of you, eg by your sibs taking turns to cover weekends and anything that can be done at a distance while you do the weekday jobs. But families don’t always work like that and one person ends up doing more.

Expect nothing

I am the sibling in this scenario and manage to make the trip home once every 3 months but can’t afford to do it more as I have to stay in a hotel when I am there.

it sucks not being able to help more I don’t think the feelings of guilt will ever go away. I do however organise the weekly meal shop and manage all of the finances so there are things your brothers can do remotely to help out.

as far as the you have 2 kids and your brothers have none this comment is unkind and irrelevant. Just because you have children doesnt make you any more important or any busier than someone without.

You can't expect anything. You can ask, but they have a right to say no - as do you.

And it's absolutely none of your DH's business to be starting arguments with you about it. How does he think that will help?

Is the issue how much they visit or that they are pontificating about “what needs to be done” ie what you (muggins) need to do?

Did your dp ever help out with your dc when they were younger?

In a perfect world, the load would be evenly spread. 2.5 hours isn't realistic for day to day care but even coming to spend a weekend once a month would be the very least they could do. Maybe every three week, so you can all have a turn doing a weekend as often as each other.

It's times like these I'm somewhat grateful I am an only DC.

There is no normal here and your DBs may be doing as much as they feel they can manage with a 5 hr round trip, Maybe you could ask them to take on some admin tasks if you're doing that.

If your DH is angry because he feels you should be doing less, can you up the carers, or sometimes your DF could use other transport- age concern may be able to give details about volunteers- for his appointments.

It sounds like your DH is making things more difficult for you. How much of the running around and caring (like cooking, shopping, admin) for your DDs does he do? Is it that he thinks you should do it all and is pissed off that helping your parents is getting in the way of that?

In answer to your question, I don't think you can expect anything of your siblings, it is entirely outside of your control. It would be worth suggesting that they increase the frequency of their visits, but being 2.5 hours away means that they are not going to be all that much support.