What’s reasonable to expect from siblings?

My DBs were absolutely fecking useless when DM was terminally ill and DF had dementia. I’d just advise outsourcing as much as possible and have conversations now with your DP about carers, care homes etc so your mum can contribute. Age uk were very helpful with my DP. I understand why your DH is protective and cross, mine was horrified by how little DBs did but we’ve agreed a) they were shit b) that will be their burden to bear during the long dark teatime of the soul…

My sister and I have never got on very well and that made things very complex when our dad fell ill. The honest truth is that she was as much help as a wet paper bag because of her denial that he was dying.

It sounds like your DB's aren't on board with any of it, and I wouldn't even attempt to get them to do more if it's wasting your mental energy. You need to set your own boundaries, take on what you can physically and mentally cope with, and then get professionals to take on the rest. My personal take is that someone with dementia can't be safely cared for at home once the disease progresses to a certain level (I worked in care for many years) so you need to be able to recognise that point. A good nursing home may be the option for them both - and at that point, you can go back to being their daughter instead of their care manager.

I completely burned out when my Dad was ill, just over a 10 month period and truthfully, the last few weeks when he was in a hospice were so much easier because I was able to sleep at night knowing he was safe and that my sister couldn't try and take over. You can't set yourself on fire to keep them warm, never forget that It has taken me nearly a year to feel myself again.

OP

Many people are saying that you can’t expect anything from siblings. The corollary of that is that they can’t expect anything from you

I live 2.5 hours drive away from my late Mum. In the last 2 years of her life I visited monthly but wasn't doing any care for her or taking her to appointments. My brother lived an hour away and was retired, no kids, so did a fair bit more.

If I'd been closer to my Mum and found more pleasure in her company I guess I would have visited more often.

You can’t expect anything from siblings.

“I have reached my limit, DBros - I can do this, this and this. Can you either do that, that and that or support parents in putting it in place?”

Don't feel guilty to ask.
They may have genuinely never thought about it.
Tell them clearly that current situation us unsustainable. Ask for help.

Expect nothing. You can ask, maybe they will do more, maybe they won’t, it depends on their circumstances. What they do or don’t do has no bearing on what you do or don’t do. You need to set your own boundaries and do what you think you can/what you want to do to help - if you are taking on too much, stop doing it. Yes, you can, it’s in your gift, no one else’s. You are not responsible and are martyring yourself which won’t be good for your own health.

You can expect and you can ask OP (and you should - since they're as responsible for your DPs as you are), but if they're not willing to do more, and you can't force them to, then at least agree that the three of you will discuss how to lessen the load on you. It may be that more carer visits are needed, that the three of you (plus your DF) need to start looking at care homes for your DM, that SS need to do a new assessment if her needs have increased, or something else. Perhaps there are logistical things they can do from home - organising the weekly shop, liasing with the care agency, sorting out bills so they're all on DD, sorting out issues with your DPs home - that kind of thing.

In terms of your DF's appointments and you being responsible for ferrying him to and fro, as a PP said, look into volunteers for this. The GP receptionists may be able to help or Age Concern.

Re: your DH, he needs to stop being a dick and actually help - help you more around the house, help ferrying your DDs around, help you to find ways to reduce your mental and practical load both at home and regarding your DPs. You're supposed to be a team and he's supposed to support you as your partner in life - atm it sounds like he's actually making things harder for you, rather than easier.

Unfortunately you can't expect your siblings to do anything and your husband is being unreasonable putting even more pressure on you when you are already under stress. What, if anything, is he doing to make your life easier? He should already be doing 50% of household tasks, life admin, kids stuff.

If he has issues with your brothers, he should raise them directly with them.

As others have said, you can’t make your brothers visit more frequently if they are not interested. I tried to get my male cousins to help out with our aunt & they just made excuses not to (I had 3 small children & theirs were grown up, all lived a similar distance away)

I’d maybe have one more serious conversation with them, laying out how things are & how much time is needed to support them.

Do they have the kind of jobs where they can work remotely for even part of the week? Then maybe they could come for longer and not have to do a long journey in a weekend.

If they won’t get involved more, maybe ask for a financial contribution to make things easier for you - eg pay for taxis to take your dad to appointments, pay for a cleaner (for you or them).

Re your husband’s attitude- it does not sound very supportive but can you change visit timings so you have more time together? A whole half day each weekend is a lot.

Put yourself first! In the same way that others in family can’t be made to do more ( though you can suggest), you too can set boundaries of how much or how little you want to do. You must have things you want to do that aren’t caring for others? Even if it’s just to sit on the sofa and flop. How much time do you have for yourself? It sounds like 0 to me..
you are going to burn out if you continue at this pace - for most people looking after your own children is more than enough! If you burn out you may become ill and then some thing else would have to be arranged for DM and F. ask DBs and yourself to imagine that actually happening. What would be done in such a case? Then you will have your answer. Be strong.

If your brothers could do a weekend per month each it would be ideal. But how do your parents have stuff set up ? all bills on direct debit, stuff like that. MIL doesn’t and faffs about paying some stuff every month and quarter.

You could ask they each do 1 weekend a month, 2 nights each.

Plus are there admin things that can be done from a distance you could share between you?

But if they won't, they won't.

Are there POAs in place?

At 2.5hr they just arent going to be that useful

The question is what is 1 per month vs once per 2 months giving you
If its 2 weekends off pm with your family which you desperately need yanbu

But you need to clearly position it that way
"I can provide this level of support on your behalf but i need 1.weekend per month from each of you in return"

Exactly this.

I think you can’t control their level of input only your own. You can tell them you can’t do xyz and ask them to help source additional care. This might bring home to them the level of care needs. Reality is this is a good time to source additional care that can be scaled up when necessary.

If you are spending a lot of your non-working time running around after other people how much quality time do you actually spend as a couple?
It's easy for the work load with elderly parent to creep up and before you know it you might as well just be housemates. When my DH was doing a lot of running around for his parents I got very concerned about the impact on his own health and even without teen DC to run around there were weeks we barely spoke face to face. Take a moment to think about what can be outsourced for your own sake before you are run into the ground.

Nothing. It’s up to each of you individually to decide how much to contribute. Don’t contribute more than you are willing to, and then you won’t resent siblings for lesser contributions. But that doesn’t help as it’s not you doing the resenting, it’s DH!

Can your parents get extra care/support in? Do you have to do the travel to medical appointments?

I'm the sibling who is 2.5 hours away. So much depends on individuals - some people are happy to do five hours driving in a day plus a load of jobs when they're there. That's more than I could manage in a day. A lot depends on how demanding or physical their jobs are, what their own household commitments are. You can't make them do more. But you can choose how much you do!

I'm the "local" sibling, as my DB is even further away! Is your DH fed up because you aren't getting time together as a family or because he doesn't want to pull his weight with household tasks?

This is probably the time to make a list of all that you do for them, work out what you realistically can do. You could explain to your siblings what you can't do any longer but acknowledge that some will need to be taken over by carers.

Having seen how badly let down my mum was by her 3 sibling RE my gran’s care and all the work dumped on her and me, I am glad I am an only child.
Now she is dead and I can’t see the relationship ever going back to how it was.

Also is your DH angry because he feels you are doing too much, or because of the knock on impact on him. I suspect it's the latter. Even if you weren't looking after your elderly DPs the driving teens around at the evenings and weekends would still remain.

They could visit for the afternoon once a month each , meaning that you could then cut down your weekend visits to twice a month and get back some family time and downtime.

It’s not reasonable to decide what is reasonable for someone else at all. It is not for your DH to decide what his in law are able to provide in the way of care for your parents, it is up to them.

If he wants to do less, then that’s up to him but he doesn’t get to decide it for other people, including you.