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Original poster

I can’t do this anymore...

37 replies

User100000000000 · 07/10/2024 13:25

I just need to rant because I'm so fucking close to disappearing and I have zero friends, my husband is dead and my DC is only 9. Plus I have to attend her harvest festival this afternoon with a big smile on my face whilst fantasising about driving off a local cliff...*

Since my Dad died 15 years ago, my Mum has changed quite drastically. I'm pretty certain she doesn't have Dementia as I think i'm fairly familiar with all the different types, their early signs and different levels of progression etc.
I think it's just personality shifts as her life no longer has to be centred around my quite demanding Dad, anymore. So I think her true personality has appeared and it's like there's two of her!!!

She's 80 next week but you'd mostly never know it. The nice version of her is (mostly) awesome, laid back, down to earth (bloody funny) and in many ways, much more modernistic than I! In fact I think I can be very old fashioned in not just my tastes, but my thinking also at times.

However the nasty version of my Mum is VILE. It's not that she just randomly hurls abuse, it's that she becomes utterly incapable of seeing any thing or any point, from anybody else's point of view. If something is deemed as a criticism of her regardless of it being constructive or otherwise, she throws a massive tantrum, will not be corrected if she's misunderstood something and will scream and, usually, twist the narrative to reach martyrdom.

She will not ever allow anybody to finish any sentence (that's across the board with each version of her) and as this is my pet hate, you can see how we'd clash and oh boy, do we clash.

Today's latest episode began by me asking for rough ideas for gifts for her 80th birthday from my DD. I've never ever needed to ask for ideas from her as I {forgive me the self-compliment) am usually good at remembering what people like - even those not close. But DD wants to get her something Grandma really wants.

Well, today we seemingly have the meaner version of her so as you can imagine, it didn't go well. It's partly my fault that it escalated as I made a silly quip about the dead flowers she got me for my milestone birthday last month (I think I said something like "no dead flowers then?!" Fully expecting her to laugh as nice-Mum would've done). Wellllllllllll no. She didn't laugh. I got every previous gift I've supposedly 'disliked' brought up - none of them I disliked nor said anything of the kind. Then right on cue we got another round of the infamous 'Dress Gate' 🤦🏻‍♀️
5 years ago at Christmas, she bought my then 4yr old a dress in age 4-5. Loved it, but sadly she was in 6-7 by that point and it couldn't be squeezed on. I had two choices, either tell my usually very understanding mum, get the receipt and swap it, or put in charity bag and quietly buy the next size up myself. Stupidly I went with the former. Thinking that way the dress is still is a gift from Grandma. Got the receipt & swapped it. Job done.

Wrong. Every birthday, Christmas since when I'm asked what DD might like and in my list of suggestions when I mention clothes, I get this huuuuuge melodrama recited, about how "But whenever I buy her any clothes it's always wrong! I bought her that dress but nooo, it wasn't good enough, was it?" So I have to point out that the size was wrong so I swapped it for another identical one two sizes bigger? What else should I have done? I could either get rid of it or swap it? "But it was age 4-5 and she was 4?" Yes but at the time she was in age 6-7 clothes, so I gratefully & politely asked to swap it for a bigger size. What's the big deal? "But I didn't intentionally get the wrong size!" I know that! I never said you did? "I should've known you wouldn't like it! I'm never buying her clothes ever again!!!!!" I loved it! So did (DD). That's why I swapped it. "We'll never again......." Ad infinitum. Every. Single. Birthday & Christmas.
There's no other way of wording any of my responses either each time either, she still kicks off about how I rude of me it was to swap the size of that bloody dress.

This is just one of thousands of examples. It's several times a week that the nasty version of her appears. She twists my words like a helter skelter in order to play the victim, as soon as she detects that I'm about to make a valid point against her. "But I'm just sat here having a cup of tea and now I'm in the wrong" is a particular favourite, said right after I've (calmly) responded to something vitriolic that she's just said to me, to give an example.

I know you're probably wondering why on earth I don't go NC with her. Trouble is, my DD has not only a very strong bond with her, but she's quite literally the only other family she has besides me, as unbelievable as it may sound. Sadly it's true (and extremely sad and frankly worrying but that's another thread).

If I was reading this I'd probably be thinking: "but you can’t have her treating your DD like how she treats you" however the thing is, she's completely different with my DD! Completely different. DD can do or say no wrong whatsoever, thankfully.

Plus there's nobody else to do anything for her as my older sibling is utterly useless and refuses to do anything for anyone.
That's another issue tbh. I'm allllways doing jobs in her house which outweighs the capabilities of my disability but I do it because I know if I don't, she'll try and end up bloody chopping a limb off or something. I don't mind doing {most of} these things, I really don't and she is usually grateful. But the total lack of compassion (also across the board, even when in nice mode) alongside the ice cold nastiness of her nasty mode, just makes me sometimes resentful and angry inside. And having no friend/s to talk to about that anger & resentment once it's built up, is tearing me apart.

*The genuinely suicidal thoughts aren't just consequences of this issue with my Mum. I'm also severely disabled and fucking lonely as fuck (I don't usually swear but I need the cathartics of it right now, sorry). Life is miserable at the moment and woe is very much me.

So sorry for the essay. I guess I just needed to rant and/or to ask if anyone else has experienced this sort of thing. Thanks

OP posts:
LimesTime · 07/10/2024 15:09

PS. If it’s not dementia - and is instead simply toxicity/narcissism* getting worse in old age the you might find this video on enforcing boundaries helpful …

Or else a combination of both toxicity and dementia.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/IvoLOj78Q_w?si=gMul8m2TacY0M6OX

SunshineSky81 · 07/10/2024 15:05

Oh op, you sound worn down and at your wits end. I bet you feel like you have the world on your shoulders and are slowly being hammered into the ground with it all - So big hugs to you.

It is so hard to draw a line between protecting your own well being and that feeling of Duty we have to our parents.

I don't know what the answer is - i am in a similar situation with my own mum, although there is dementia there. I am a single parent, with a chronic health condition and sometimes i just want to hide under the covers and sob. I day dream about something happening to me and then i get even more pissed off as i don't even have the luxury of the option of jumping off a cliff as there are two many people relying on me.

Sometimes things are ok, and it is like all is ok with the world, but most times it is like living with a feeling of utter dread.

Try to stay strong, and try to carve out sometime for yourself where you can xx

pizzaHeart · 07/10/2024 15:03

I don’t think it’s necessary dementia. When older most people get more selfish, less tolerant and patient so it’s probably this. I’m not surprised that she is different with your DD it’s often the case. If DD is happy I would leave it as it is.
At this stage you should treat your Mum a bit as a child - plan and choose your actions and words, don’t argue and ignore. I suppose as you have a lot on your plate your patience is not endless either, but try not to count on her for moral support (I know it’s easy to say that), just for spending time with DD.
Also if you are struggling with little jobs, don’t do them please. You have a duty of care to Dd so all your energy should go on her. Your mum is an adult and she is capable in dealing with issues herself would it be physically herself or arranging someone else. I’m not saying don’t help her but you and DD should be your priorities.

LimesTime · 07/10/2024 14:51

Even if it’s dementia, you still have the right to limit your exposure to such behaviour.

PS. Was she a good, loving mother prior to the last 15 years? It seems unusual to have such a sudden change and with such an advanced level of unpleasantness for so long with no other changes - whilst prior to that being fine.

Original poster
User100000000000 · 07/10/2024 14:13

Londonmummy66 · 07/10/2024 14:12

I didn't want to read and run as I've been to that dark place. You've been given some good advice on dealing with your mother - but don't forget that you need to look after you as well. You clearly have a sense of duty but that often makes us give and give until there's nothing left. Tell your DM that you are taking a break for a few days over half term (even if you don't go away) and ive yourself some head space/spend time with your little girl.

On a practical note my DM has Parkinsons and we got some dictation software which has really helped - depending on what sort of phone you have there might well be a free one or an inexpensive app. We had advice from the Parkinsons Society on what people were finding helpful at the time.

Good advice thank you and that software sounds good thanks. It's an iPhone so should work, thanks.

OP posts:
Londonmummy66 · 07/10/2024 14:12

I didn't want to read and run as I've been to that dark place. You've been given some good advice on dealing with your mother - but don't forget that you need to look after you as well. You clearly have a sense of duty but that often makes us give and give until there's nothing left. Tell your DM that you are taking a break for a few days over half term (even if you don't go away) and ive yourself some head space/spend time with your little girl.

On a practical note my DM has Parkinsons and we got some dictation software which has really helped - depending on what sort of phone you have there might well be a free one or an inexpensive app. We had advice from the Parkinsons Society on what people were finding helpful at the time.

Original poster
User100000000000 · 07/10/2024 14:12

Thank you for responding everyone. The main reason why I don't think it's Dementia is because she's been like this for 15 years almost. To my knowledge even the slowest Dementia is usually quicker than that - however of course it's not impossible.

I guess it's my own fault for being entirely unable to simply 'let it go' whenever incorrect nonsense is launched at me. That's me in general, pretty much. I've also never been capable of that mindset some people have where they don't care what a stranger or un-important person thinks of them in a scenario. I find myself compelled to correct them. Madness I know. It's my biggest character flaw.
When it's my Mum, it's amplified. She pushes my buttons like nothing else.

OP posts:
Grannyinnwaiting · 07/10/2024 14:02

I feel your pain - my lovely, funny, strong, capable, flexible mum was a right PITA for the last couple of years of her life. She could be funny and sunny one moment and then horrid and wound up the next. In her case it was a combination of anxiety, brain damage after a stroke and depression about her health. You just have to realise that it's probably health related, involuntary and try not to take it personally. I remember the good version of my mother not the crabbit one

HFJ · 07/10/2024 14:01

Echo the above. Make peace with the fact that your mother, who has been living by herself for 15 years now and therefore has no significant other to sense check her ways, will not change.

However, you can change! I’m assuming your dwindling social circle is because you have to spend so much time doing admin and DIY at your mother’s house (as well the the limitations of your disability). Decide your schedule ‘Mother, I will come round on Thursday evenings’ sort of thing. When it comes to the comments, just let it go over your head and bulldoze in something else to chat about, like the weather.

You clearly have a sense of duty, which makes you a great person. A sense of duty does not mean you need to put up with abuse, or be someone’s servant.

You also have a child. Do prioritise time with him/her. Think of the positives - the hugs, the chats, the being proud when they do their exams, when they get a job, maybe one day becoming parents.

username7891 · 07/10/2024 13:47

First you don't know if it's dementia as early signs could be personality changes. My aunt turned ferocious and a few years later was in a home with dementia.

You need to stop hoping your mum will be nice and just accept her the way she is. Therefore I'd cut out the humour, cut down on time spent with her and leave if she gets nasty.

If certain things trigger her then don't mention them eg presents. Talk about neutral things that won't cause a reaction and if she acts up then make your excuses and leave.

kaos2 · 07/10/2024 13:46

Dementia does change personalities and removes filters . My mum was fine until she had a stroke now she says everything that comes into her head . Good , bad , racist , fattist .. she is possessed by the dementia monster and I rarely get a glimpse of the old her

Anyways regardless of if she does have it or not I feel your pain

I can't go NC because I'm her PA essentially while she stays on her home as she doesn't want to leave it 🙄🙄

Original poster
User100000000000 · 07/10/2024 13:30

Apologies for all the typos. I have Parkinson's and typing is particularly difficult as I only have a phone. This has taken me two hours to write. I don't think I can ever use my right thumb again 😬

OP posts: