I can’t do this anymore...

OP, you come across as someone with a really good sense of fun with a truly rotten set of circumstances to battle.
How have you got on with the voice dictation app?

I love my mum but sometimes she can be extremely hard work and I sympathise. I can never tell if my mum is going to be lovely or quite horrid to me. It seems completely random. There's nothing wrong with her but it's as if, as she has got older, her personality has become more embedded. There's a huge list of topics that I now don't discuss with her and if she tries I just swerve the conversation. It seems to work, well so far. it's really hard and I just wanted to sympathise really.

You might find the Fog site helpful https://outofthefog.website

It does sound like age related brain deterioration to me, but you know her well and can judge best. If you are sure she's just being difficult, I would guage what she's like on any given day and, if she's being unpleasant, walk away, or put down the phone or cancel plans, and decline to engage with her. If she is pleasant and friendly, engage with her and make the most of it.

I would avoid quips about dead flowers etc, I can't see how that would help any situation.

That sounds horrendous. My MIL went like that in the earlier to mid stages of vascular dementia before she went into a home.

As a family we collectively agreed not to put up with it and everytime she kicked off, we just walked out her house and didn't return for a few days. It was like reward training a puppy and it did work as all the family did this consistently for around 6 weeks.

💐 Lovely and fresh, OP - you deserve these more than anyone.

You might be disabled with PD but you’re evidently strong and kind as fuck. No one’s invincible tho. Be nicer to yourself and take a rest from DM - sigh, no one gets nicer with age.

Oh, and turn on voice dictation.

I made a silly quip about the dead flowers she got me for my milestone birthday last month (I think I said something like "no dead flowers then?!"

Do you mean she bought you a bouquet of flowers that were past their best?

Yeah I thought narcissist mother. She can't cope with any perceived criticism, can never be wrong, never to blame for anything. Cold and emotionally repressed when you were young. She gets angry with you because you don't think she's absolutely amazing in everything she does, you cannot reason with her. I bet the times she is nice to you are when she wants you to do something or you say something that pleases her. Otherwise you're her scapegoat to take everything out on, maybe she then plays either the guilt or the martyr card on you.

She doesn't care if you leave and if you weren't useful then she probably wouldn't be bothered if she never saw you again. She adores your daughter because your dd adores her - she gets narcissistic supply from your dd.

My mum is the same. I frequently fall into the trap of arguing with her, she loves to tell me what a brilliant mum she was and how I'm not quite as good. She was a brilliant mum when I was tiny as it was very important to her to look like the perfect mum and I was very well behaved. Then when I got a bit older and got a mind of my own I was then broken as far as she was concerned. She's never been very interested since. She'll never phone me I always phone her but generally she says she's too busy too talk. Then when I point out that she never phones me unless she wants me to do something for her she'll phone me to make the point that she does phone me. I've taken a huge emotional step back from her and have no expectations now, but it's sad not to have a mum who is properly there for you.

Anyway that's what I recommend big emotional step back, she can never be the mother you'd like. You could try saying 'anyway' and changing the subject every time your mum starts down the road to an argument, that's what I do if i can't be bothered. Tell her something about your dd to distract her perhaps. I also really think you need to step back from doing so much around her house and start looking after yourself a lot more OP. Your dd needs you and you need to be around for her. Putting yourself through all this is too much, cut back and think of it as putting your dd first.

I’m pretty sure the iPhone has it built in, my daughter uses it. It takes a little while for the phone to get used to your voice, so you have to make a few corrections, but after that it’s pretty smooth.
Sorry about your ma, she sounds like bloody hard work. I hope I’ll have the strength to shuffle off before I get to be a pita.

They way you describe your mum is exactly how my mum can be. The slightest comment you say out of touch with her ideology sets her off.

I had one of these a few months ago and when she started, I just had enough. Said I was leaving. She was pulling on my arms to make me stay, told my dad to make me stay. It descended into a screaming match between us both and she knew fine well she was in the wrong but does what your mum does and dragged up every past issue or diverted, diverted diverted to as not actually get to the issue, which was her fault

She always ends up saying she has a headache and expects it to be ended at that point.

I try to keep her at arms length now. Don't divulge too much. I always overshared with her but try to keep news to a minimum. It sounds really hard.
My advice would be to just shit it down quickly and move on. Or if she starts, walk out!

If you can its actually very enjoyable
The person who is ranting at you can't get annoyed as you are doing nothing wrong, it drives them nuts and the more annoyed they get the more uninterested you get and so on.
They can't even complain to anyone else - "I was shouting at my daughter and she agreed"

It sounds tough but I think part of the problem is that you are engaging with this nonsense.
Would just occasional "yep, uhhu, ok" work when shes off on one?
I appreciate that you want to make your case but it seems thats not possible so just drop the rope totally and don't argue. Another tactic I find helpful is only respond to questions, not comments so "You returned that dress" needs no response and "you returned that dress, didn't you?" just requires a flat "yes"
Stop arguing with the crazy, it just feeds it

Oops, wrong YouTube video. This is the one I was thinking of…