Watching my lovely mum slowly rotting away is destroying me.

had to post. Huge hugs to you. Both you and your mother sound like tremendous people. You are a very loving daughter and should be proud of yourself.

I can relate OP.
I was actually relieved when my parents died. Of course I was sad, but their last few years were miserable and there was nothing I, or anyone else could do to reverse that so I was glad it was over - for them and for me. I felt really guilty about how I felt but talking to others later I discovered that it's really common and I have come to terms with it over the years.
My PILs are about 15 years younger than my parents so whilst I was going through this my DH was also very pragmatic and more or less said "well that's the way things are, circle of life etc etc" but now his parents are in the same situation it's a different matter. I haven't reminded him of what he said to me as I do of course understand the stresses whereas he didn't when I was at that stage, but I can't help feeling just a little bitter.
No advice sorry, but just wanted to say I understand and that you are not alone.

I'm 8yrs into Alzheimer's with my mum, she's no longer the person who was my mum, generally unable to talk, walk, feed herself, understand much or do anything except she still loves music and that sparks something in her.
It's stressful, awful and draining. It's somewhat easier now mum is in a home that she's settled in, calm & content.
It was somewhat easier as my mum wasn't always that nice before she got dementia but has turned into a much nicer little old lady (she could easily pass for a decade older than she is, the toll it's taken on her)
Siblings have been difficult over the years adding to the stress.
Mum doesn't really know who my kids are but she still likes to see kids so is happy when they visit.
My brother and I have come to agreement with the home / drs that she has no medical treatment except to relieve pain (or jabs to protect those around her) , as what are we prolonging her life for (she has no quality of life). She had a hospital admission 20mths ago that was such a truly awful experience that I would do anything to keep her out of there again.
It's hard & that's before you get to balancing work, family or your own health (I have a chronic disability)
Support groups (online) help a little, having a good cry is necessary, accepting it's shit and that's going to be the case is part of it but also finding some good moments.
With me & my mum it's music, she has always loved the musicals so I bought her a new stereo for her room and we play musicals & I sing along (she doesn't always respond but when you find the right one it's magic) and I carve out movie time and when I can I spend a Sunday morning with her watching movies, she unexpectedly loved the Barbie movie & Indiana Jones so we've stuck with bright and silly stuff.
She can't speak but spending time with her 'doing' something positive helps keep the relationship alive.
Find a positive no matter how tiny and grip onto that

I’m so sorry this is happening to your mum OP. It’s the cruelest thing.
Are the BC appointments achieving anything? If hospital appointments are causing her (and you) distress is there a case for just leaving it be. All very well to see how its progressing, but if she’s not up to treatment maybe best left alone.
I’ve found that medics seem to only treat their disease/speciality with little thought of other conditions the patient suffers from. Probably doesn’t cross their minds that a scan is a big deal for a dementia sufferer.

Don’t feel guilty for wanting this to be over for her - I used to pray every day that it was the last day for my relative, they became a shell of their former selves, and held on for years like it unfortunately. But you can’t admit that to anyone thats not experienced it themselves without looks of horror!

Try and get a little bit of an escape every day, where you forget all your troubles briefly - a coffee with a friend, walk in the woods etc. only has to be 20 min, but essential for your own well being.

There’s nothing wrong with grieving for a much loved one. Take as long as you need, there is no timeline at which you need to be done.
You are doing an amazing job of carrying on your caring work and being there for your mum and your dad. Your husband has no business shutting you down just cos he’s so good at shutting off his emotions.
If you need someone to offload on , do see a counsellor, just for you so you have someone to give you an hour now and then so you feel heard. It’s very healing being heard. Sending a hug x.

are you able to carve out any time for yourself to look after you? Even if it’s just 15 mins or meeting a friend for a walk. I have a lot of caring responsibilities and this keeps me sane just about.

Oh op you sound like you are doing an amazing job for your mum and its completely understandable how devastating you would find it.

I think with men a lot of the time this kind of response comes from their own guilt that they feel like they don't know how to support you. It's not actually anything to do with you, it's their own emotional incompetence coming out.

I don't know what to suggest about how to cope. For me, probably I'd be walking or exercising and trying to be kind to myself.

for you

I’m wired much more like your DH, but am
supporting my husband who is going through a very similar situation with his dad. You are obviously an incredible daughter and your mum is so lucky to have you. You are honouring her, and your relationship with her, in everything you are doing. You’ll get so much comfort when she has died when you look back at this time and know you did everything you could. Life is hard and death is awful. You are doing so well.

The only thing I can say is be thankful your Mum has you to do this for her. I know this doesn't alleviate the burden but it's so sad that many don't have this.

However do your parents have all the at home help they are entitled to ? I would suggest that you try to cut your visits to maybe 3 times a week?

Really feel for you, and can sympathise. My mum was chronically ill for years, and eventually it changed her personality. She used to be a fun and loving person, but she became nasty and selfish, hurting people like she was hurting, it was awful.
It feels bad to say, but it was a relief when she died. She was in constant pain and had zero quality of life. It took me years before the bad memories faded and I could remember the good ones, and put it in perspective, but I still feel like I lost my mum years before her death.
I'm a similar age to you, and now I'm watching my dad slowly go downhill too. It is heartbreaking, it really is. 💔

What a hard thing to live through OP, for all of you.

What do you think would help you get through this? If you are not able or willing to adopt a more stoic / pragmatic approach to death and suffering, then counselling isn’t going to help you as this is the basis of most of it. You can’t control this and banging your head against reality isn’t going to help.

i had a very close friend die a painful and protracted death due to cancer very recently. The way I look at it is: if I am freaking out about this, I can’t help anyone. If I am undone by my own grief and anger, I can’t actually help my friend, or her daughters, or her family. The way I help my friend best is to be calm, brave, helpful, constructive - and of service. That’s where I put my grief.