Who ‘should’ have to look after my mother?

Yes - so if social services are for example funding care at home then it will be contracted out to an agency,

It's common for agencies to "match" people to clients so for example my dad who had cancer had male carers who came and washed and dressed him because he expressed a preference for that.

Individual carers can also refuse to deal with particular clients - and in some cases groups of carers will not be matched to a client.

Often men with dementia can be quite inappropriate with women carers and so some men will have a "males only" tag on their file, for example.

Most agencies have some carers who are very experienced at working with the more difficult clients and are happy to take them on. Sometimes it'll rotate so they do a week or so and then move on.

Worst case if the behaviour is actually dangerous (violent etc) then the agency can hand back the contract and state increased care needs. That'd mean two or more carers and de-escalation and possibly restraint training.

The professionals are very experienced in these situations.

Oh gosh I've come to the thread as was going to start something similar.

Mums currently in hospital and they want someone to sort out her affairs so she can go home and I just don't know that I cna do it. Her flat needs industrial cleaning really and I don't have energy or money...

I have a meeting Monday with social worker and the nurse and I'm losing sleep over it

I get her on the phone each day begging me to fight for her/just bring X in/whatever but I can't be her carer. I'm exhausted.

And yes bipolar. Alcoholic and I feel so bad not being able to absorb her into my life but I can't.

What specific tasks is she unable to do herself?

As much as possible she needs to do it - even if it takes her a long time.

Once she stops, she stops - it's much better to maintain some level of independence, using adaptations where possible.

People frequently step in too early to help, which only leads to a faster deterioration in independence/mobility.

If she is assessed as requiring care, then she will be given it. The carers will have a low tolerance for poor behaviour and will be in the right to refuse care if she is abusive to them.

Why do you tolerate her rudeness and unkindness?

She wouldn't be one person's problem though, and that's a big part of it, I think. She would be "in the system" and various agencies and social workers would do their bit. If she upsets individual carers too much they can refuse to work with her or move on, in ways that it isn't really possible for you as her daughter to do.

There is also the sad reality that SS will likely try to guilt you into doing way more than you're comfortable doing. I'm in a Facebook group for carers and it's increasingly obvious that SWers are just being told to outright lie and pressure family members into taking on responsibilities that are the SS or NHS' responsibility. If you step right out of it you sidestep ALL of the drama around it all. If you don't you get to be the person with ALL the drama and stress and mental load... AND you get to put up with your mum's abuse etc.

If you don’t like her then being her carer is a really bad idea anyway. It’s hard enough when you do love them I should imagine.

I am in the opposite position where otherwise say I should step in, and due to years of difficult relationships with my M we are in almost full no contact. In my mind she has her own savings and house and if she wants to pay professionals then so be it. The reality is that unless someone really has very little in the way of savings/capital social services won't pick up the expenses. But often the older person will be more likely to listen to professionals than their own family.

Do what is right for you. Worry less about should and could.

If she has her own money above a certain amount then she can employ people to care for her and they can quit or stay as they choose.

Social services will only fund if she basically doesn't have any money (I forget the asset limit off the top of my head).

That's assuming that they assess her as having care needs - being an alcoholic and an unpleasant person isn't a care need in itself.

If they don't think she has care needs (and being an alcoholic won't be enough) she'll be left to drink herself either to death or until she does have care needs.

I thought a large part of council tax was for social care.

So, given that we pay the council to do this kind of work, they therefore “should” do it.

It is completely understandable that you are feeling this way. You don't have to justify caring for your mother (difficult though she may be) however, you also don't have to remain in a caring position because of the plight of the taxpayer or the underappreciated workers in social care.

It sounds as if other people are trying to help (in their own way), by reminding you that you have autonomy, you can choose to step back without having to carry the guilt of her being neglected. Alternatively, you can choose to care for your mother because you feel it is your responsibility.

Just remember the choice is yours and you don't need to martyr yourself because there are no rewards for doing so, the value you find from caring for her needs to come from within you. If you're doing it as a people pleaser or because you want to protect the social care system, then you run the risk of resenting it and that can be harmful to your own mental wellbeing.