Appalling behaviour-dressed up as old age-it has to be addressed

Interesting. When my father was terminally ill with cancer (she was in her 40s then) she wanted him offloaded as soon as possible and had him in the local hospice far sooner than he ever needed be as she knew the director and laid it on thick about how she was struggling to cope. Dad was nowhere near needing intensive nursing care at that stage.

She also did the same to her second husband 20 years later when he was in the same situation, and also to her batchelor brother who lived with her.

However, she would love to sweep onto the ward, ensuring everyone was aware she had arrived and projecting and playing a role. Not that of a loving wife, but overdressed and very theatrical and being all sparkly for everyone but dad. Looking back, I wonder if she really couldn’t cope or face with anything less than 100% perfect?

She managed to play the grieving widow wailing and ‘fainting’ at all their funerals though!

I gave no advice that might help you, apart from agreeing that if your mother doesn’t want to visit, you can’t make her and tbh, if she was unwilling, it might create a negative vibe for your dad.

I know it’s not easy, I’ve been there exactly and not sure I could have done it, but are you able to temporarily withdraw some of your support? I’ll admit to occasionally blocking my mother’s number when I wasn’t in a good place or didn’t feel strong enough for her nonsense. I know you are trying to shield your sister too, but maybe suggest she does the same, so your brother will be forced to step up to the plate?

You deserve and have more than earned quality time with your immediate family. Please take care and look after yourself. X

Agree
A lot people don't like visiting/ seeing loved ones being very ill.
I would never judge anyone for that.
And it was very brave of her to be honest.
( it may be better for the staff/ your dad anyway from previous experiences)
Ps glad you had your nails done.
We all need a bit of a lift sometimes- best perfume , best wine - pamper yourself and be your own best friend.
It really recharges the batteries

Does she have to visit? If she doesn't want to go then not much point trying to make her.

Judging by your previous descriptions of her she's now attention seeking by refusing to get dressed.

@BlueLegume how shameful your nails should be bitten and bleeding from scrubbing her floors!!!

@BlueLegume you are not substandard or sub anything. From what you have posted you are an intelligent and eloquent woman. With a loving husband and kids who cares for her mother. You are amazing not sub standard xx

I think my mother always had some poor aspects to her personality. When I was growing up, there were some issues. But now, it's actually worse than ever before.

I remember reading not long ago on a dementia form. Somethintimes with dementia, people can change. They gave an example like someone might keep up with paperwork all their lives and then they neglect it. As an example. But then for other people with dementia, sometimes it's like their own personality but they are now on steroids.

I think this is applying now more to my mother than ever before. There's stuff that's just not making sense at times.

@BlueLegume s advice is very valid @Canjo

Unfortunately, because my mother’s behaviour was always contrary, stubborn and confrontational, when she did end up with dementia, there was a delay in diagnosis because we assumed it was just her.

I also recognise the deliberate misunderstanding or ignoring of facts because she didn’t like what was being said. Again, can be red flag in cognitive decline, but such a familiar behaviour trait in her that we dismissed it. Lying or stretched credibility wasn’t unusual throughout her life either.

The one thing that did highlight an issue was she started to talk about other people living in the house, that the house belonged to someone else and that the owners regularly talked to her.

Another indicator can be to ask your mother where she lives. I know it sounds very obvious, but my mother confidently gave the address of a house she lived in 60 years previously. Thats when we knew she wasn’t right.

I would bet on my mother having dementia but so far I got no help whatsoever and I keep getting written off. Her mind is just not well. I have a big list. Her planning and organising is not great. For example she would put the first aid kit into a box and put storage into the box and other stuff on top of the box. You wouldn't want to be bleeding to death because you won't be getting a plaster any time soon. She's always coming up with these little 'life hack' ideas that are ridiculous.

Another time she used a suction cup holder in the shower to hold soap and shower gels but she had it in such a way that you would need to be 6 ft tall to reach it or wear stilts in the shower. It was up so high it made no sense and if you were in the shower doing that, stretching up high it was going to be a hazard for falls. It made no sense.

Currently she moved the position of the hand towel in the bathroom. She used a suction holder over the bath. So you would wash your hand sin the sick and she would expect you to walk across the room to the bath and then stretch your body and arms out to dry your hands. It just makes no sense.

We had a drinks fridge in the sitting room and also used for other things and she attacked it at the weekend and dragged it up the hall to a spare bedroom and she thinks it s a great idea to start holding more food in it. So if you want to cook a meal food may be in the main fridge or up the hall in the spare bedroom. It makes no sense. None.

I keep getting written off for 'memory loss'. Her planning and organisation skills is on the floor.

This is one amongst the many things I love about my DH. On my first birthday after we got together for the first time in my life feeling somebody actually knew me and bought me something for my birthday that I want and love and will use!

The cards thing is so familiar! I do put some thought into buying cards, I wouldn't buy one with a cat on for someone who hates cats, and I always check what's written inside to make sure it's not got something inappropriate or upsetting (eg for someone who has just been bereaved!). But I do not have the time to agonise endlessly over tiny details of the card, and its size or whether it fits whatever outlandish requirements there are now, or what day to post it given the state of the mail these days.

Sorry not had time to catch up properly but thankyou everyone. And sadly nodding too to the "test" re presents,cards,phonecalls. A total head f##k in which the rules are ever changing and we always lose. So so tiresome and needless. X

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas yes to the 'who spent most'. Despite parroting "it's the thought that counts" it was obvious she only liked high-value presents.
Yet she was bloody awful at gift giving because she didn't know anything about the recipient. After all, she wasn't interested. So she would buy gifts she liked for others.
For years I asked for book tokens, I loved to read, to me you were giving me the gift of spending hours browsing book shops looking for a book... Heaven.
instead, I would get body lotion( I don't use) Nail varnish I couldn't wear (nurse) slippers I never wear, etc.
One year I actually asked why she never got me a book token and she replied "Oh that's a boring present", she literally could not put herself in someone else's shoes and imagine what they would enjoy. her whole world revolved around her.

Thank you for this thread. It was linked to in a previous post of mine.

I have some neighbours who are well into their 70s and they are beautiful people and I don't bash older people.

My mother can be unreal. I live in a country with a horrifying housing crisis and I am greatful to her to live at home and have a roof over my head. But it's getting very hard now.
There's so many things and I just can't stomach to write it all out now.

My mother has noone else in her life and surely I would bring company and security to the family home. She tolerates me but doesn't respect me. She can be domineering too even thought the home we live in was built by my father and she obtained it through a divorce by me and my siblings paying for their mess. She has no comprehension over the work that we did to keep her at home. She can be so bitter so easily.

Oh yes. ‘Love’ was always measured in phone calls, material gifts or cards.

It was always some sort of competition about the number of birthday or Christmas cards she received.

“I got 20 birthdays cards/60 Christmas cards” I’m clearly very popular. How many did you get?

“Uncle Fred spent SO much on my present” but “Aunt Gladys obviously only spent £5” Therefore Fred loves me more, rather than considering financial circumstances or the spirit in which the gift from Gladys was given.

I recognise the duty phone call issue. I had to get myself psyched up to ring because I always knew it would be so draining and I invariably got the sarky comment about the fact I obviously didn’t love her as I didn’t ring every day or that she might have been lying dead for days and that I didn’t care.

She wanted to be told constantly by me that I loved her, but I couldn’t do it because our past history was so bad. I lost track of the number of times I tried to tell her that DH and our DCs don’t go around saying I love you all the time because you know you’re loved by the way someone treats you, respects and cares for you, not the mere words.

@BlueLegume Yet again I recognise so much of this! I promise I’m not copying you, but we could be talking about exactly the same person.

The mental gymnastics of trying to do the right thing. Similar ‘flower’ story here. I sent her a birthday card with very carefully chosen words inside. Even birthday card choice could become a minefield. Unfortunately, I chose a card with flowers on it - apparently she ‘hated’ cards with flowers on them and she was ‘distraught’ that her own daughter had still sent it ‘intentionally to upset her’ Despite for 50 years previously, I was completely unaware of this illogical dislike! The tears and the tantrums were nuts over a bloody card!

Also agree about their behaviour and our upbringing also impacting adult relationships. I have to admit to not having much patience with needy or clingy people and have developed a bit of a sixth sense about manipulators and controllers, both in friendships and partners.

Thank you also for all your kindness and your wise contributions. My mother died four years ago, but I’ve still been carrying the mental legacy of the damage she has caused. This thread has been so very cathartic and helped unravel the tangled web she left. I’ll never understand why she behaved like she did, in the past I think I thought if I did, our relationship would get better. But now I’m learning just to accept that it wasn’t my fault - she was clearly aways an unhappy, damaged woman and nothing I did or didn’t do would ever change that. X

I,ve given up on present-giving a long time ago. She gets an Amazon voucher. because nothing was ever suitable anyway so this is less stressful for me.
Her whole life is 'testing' people. Presents are a test, the number of times you phone is a test, whether you show you are thinking about them or considering them is a test. my mother goes from phoning daily to falling off the face of the planet regularly. I will suddenly realise it's been a week and ring her (duty) which is always met with "Oh you remembered I was alive have you" or words to that effect. She keeps score of who rang last and who failed to return her calls, which I find so weird. If you phone someone and they're not available you try again another time. She doesn't, she will refuse to try again until they have returned a call. I refuse to play that game anymore because no amount of passing her latest test resolves anything. She's a deeply unhappy women.