To ask for help defying a dying parents apparent wishes about care…

It's a cathartic thread.

to all who are going/have been through this.

I recommend reading 36 Hours by Fiona Mason.

I know, why don’t YOU have your parent at home with you in their final days?

Because that isn't where the dying parent wants to be!

Oh yes, what a stunning idea that is.

Move a frail, dying person a couple of hundred miles from their Drs, hospital, potential hospice place...

Into a home with adults who work and have small children to look after.

That'll work out just fine for everyone, everyone will have their needs met and no one will be at all traumatised or in pain/discomfort at all.

I tell you what is grim. Berating someone who is going through something incredibly difficult, THE most difficult thing, someone who is grieving and worried about their vulnerable parent.and.exhausted and stressed.

Just horrible. Absolutely empathy bypass on here. I'm so sorry @Whyismycatanasshat .

I would post in the bereavement area instead.

I know, why don’t YOU have your parent at home with you in their final days? Then your other parent doesn’t have to put up with supporting their spouse in their final days?
Absolutely grim!

@Whyismycatanasshat .this is a horrible situation to be in. Whilst i agree ideally dying parents wishes should be met. it appears they arent- as no hospice bed so their hand is being forced. thats unfair all round.
given past experience and serious concerns of mental welfare of other parent.
re you able to visit dying parent and speak in person with hospital.?

My mum died at home. It was what she and my dad wanted but I have never felt more out of my depth. We were lucky that my sister is a nurse with significant experience in end of life care with the elderly so knew what equipment was needed and what to ask (push) for. My mum was discharged from hospital with a supposed care package in place except it wasn’t and wasn’t put in place until I contacted Social Services

My mum’s doctor and the district nurse were brilliant at visiting but it was still a horrendous experience. I cut my hours at work so I could visit every afternoon to relieve my 80 year old dad but I visited more than once to find my mum on the floor as she had convinced my dad to try and help her to the bathroom. We only got overnight help from the local hospice or Madame Curie in the last couple of nights.

Our experience was better than a lot of people’s but I wouldn’t put my family through that. It was only later that I realised Nursing Homes often offer End of Life care.

The opening post literally says 24 hour carers. Having gone through this, the carers were 24 hours.

my friend had a similar situation.

dad had dementia, and had had a fall and was in hospital. he wanted to come home. mum could no longer care for him.

He was assessed and because he had a good day and said he wanted to go home, that was then the plan.
But he only had occasional good days and the testimony of the nurses that he was mostly not able to recognise his family didn't count because on the day he was lucid.

So plan from hospital was that he was coming home, and needed carers, twice a day, couldn't be left along at all and a lot of other things.

My friend went in to the hopistal and got it documented that if he came home, mum wouldn't be there. She would come to live with daughter. So he was coming home to an empty house, please re-assess. Suddenly they could no longer send him home.

I suspect that they cannot send your dying parent home to an empty house, because they cannot provide round the clock care, and they need round the clock care, so I would say - assess them as if they are coming home to an empty house.

Having seen the shambles that is EOL at home care, there isn’t a cat in hell’s chance that I would a) believe a word the ward staff say about arrangements being in place to allow dignified death at home, b) allow an 80+ year old vulnerable parent to be put in a position where it’s foisted on them without them having a say.

@MissDBus

OP says hosp would arrange 24hr home care.

Do you know what that means?

Op says hospital says they will. This is not the same .

It doesn't happen. Carers don't turn up

So who will look after the dying person?

Home cared is preferred by powers that be better because it costs less as it relies on family being unpaid carers.

I respectfully disagree. Its their last dying wish. Surely the best option would be to move the non-dying parent elsewhere for a period of time.

I respectfully disagree.
I actually think this is more about the non-dying parent

But it isn't really the OP that will have to 'suck it up'.

It is the other elderly, vulnerable parent who is alone at home, and will be reliant on carers showing up on time to take care of their partner. Who will be scared of strangers turning up, and also frightened that they will not turn up and that they'll have to provide care they cannot provide, and so will have to watch their partner in discomfort or indeed in pain, potentially for hours on end.

This isn't a 'suck it up' situation. The other parent does have a right NOT to watch their partner struggle and die in their home.

Hi

Not read all posts but I've definitely had patients who's family at home have refused them to come home for EOL care. I would discuss with hospice they may be able to make sure you mum gets some support as well.
I'm sorry for a sad situation

People saying that dying at home will be peaceful and medicated are missing the bit in the OP where they have previous experience of this with the brother and it was very much not the case.

It varies by area what is available and it can be the case that family are left alone and frightened with a dying person who has not had pain controlled and is very agitated in the middle of the night and can't get hold of anyone to prescribe medication in a timely manner.

It sounds like that was the OPs and their families previous experience.

I have experienced a parent dying in a hospice and this was a calm environment where the family felt supported rather than abandoned, which can be the home experience.

Being blunt people went hooting and hollering

heroin has its uses

Sadly we had no information on that and no time to arrange it. And then he was too ill to move within 24 hours anyway.

I hope if @Whyismycatanasshat has time, then this would be helpful.

Have you ever been through this scenario yourself?

Love this! 🤣 At least it balances out all the "how could you be so heartless" posts.

Perhaps consider adding a few sentry gun turrets too?