Mum moving 300m from us

@marmite2023 my mum sounds a bit like yours. Emotionally draining and unable to respect a boundary but also genuinely loving and wanting to help. I would absolutely combust if she did what your mum has just done!!! Stick to your guns. She is being completely utterly unreasonable. A move like that is something you agree together.

This.
It may make life easier for you going forward. No driving to help her into bed or to just check she is OK. Could you look into clubs she could join in your area, a church if she likes that, a day centre where she could go to meet people and so hopefully she gets a little life before it's too late. I drove 30 mins a few nights a week to put my mum to bed as she became incapacitated so 800 m would have made my life so much better. Had siblings do the rest but l needed to do my share..for 5 years. Don't overreact. It is a shock but see the advantages.

It depends on your relationship abd the dynamic between you. I personally would live it if my parents lived in the same street. Instead they live far away, have missed out on so much in relation to seeing the grandchildren grow up. They're now old and frail and I worry so much about not being able to help them.

I had the experience of DMil moving to our road and , quite honestly, I think it was really positive. The DC we're able to have a close relationship with her, we didn't need to have her to stay or use up time going to stay with her, she could step in if a plumber was coming or the DC needed emergency care and as she got older and eventually frail it was easy just to pop in frequently to clap eyes on her, help with care etc rather than having to devote longer lengths of time visiting and also worrying from afar. It was a much better arrangement for everyone than for example her having to move in with us or staying more distant. A similar arrangement has happened with my DSis and our DM and it works very well as , she too, has been able to remain in her own home into advanced old age. Obviously it requires some compromises and boundaries to be made but imo families should support each other if possible.

shes already stressing about lawyers and estate agents and I’m the one who has to absorb all of that energy

You choose to absorb it. You don't have to.

Speaking for myself, I'd welcome this. The extra pair of eyes/hands would be great. But I am very good at setting boundaries so I'd have no problem saying we are not seeing you this weekend etc.

@marmite2023 You're not a shit daughter and you're not being mean, you're perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. (I moved 7000 miles away from my mother, and frankly it wasn't far enough - but I appreciate your relationship is probably not as dysfunctional as mine was).

Your mother has put you in a very difficult position which is completely unfair. If you can have a sensible conversation with her it would probably be a good starting point.

No the mother is doing it to prove a point. Rather than just take her shoes off.

How do you feel about the relationship you have with her? I ask because it sounds like it's that that is the issue rather than the distance but by moving so close it will become unbearable for you?

So sorry to hear this. With everything going on, this added news must make you feel overwhelmed.
First, it is not your emotional baggage to carry about your DH going through a challenging time about his mum's return to her home country. And that should not be a reason for any negative behaviour towards you or the situation. Kindly, OP, that's an entirely separate issue.
Your nanny is essential to you being able to work and you are happy with the dynamic between yourself and your nanny so you should protect that. Nanny will not be taking DD round. Fullstop. It is not up for discussion.
Like i said earlier, respect is essential if this is going to work and you have to make your mum understand that. Boundaries have to be respected.
Otherwise, her move would destroy the very relationship, she is hoping to enjoy better by moving closer to you.
Your work and everything else is the stresses of life. They don't go away. Having the stresses of life and having to drive 30mins to see your mum if she is ill/hurt/or in need is very difficult, even more so with your own little one to care for. Popping down the road to see her/help her, makes a lot of difference.
You are not mean. You just have a lot on your plate. Can that deadline be moved? You should not be so stressed about work during your maternity leave.
All the best.

Obviously it's up to her where she lives. But I would be clear your relationship would remain the same and point out you may move at some point so where ever she loves needs to be somewhere she is happy with for her. Not due to its proximity to you.

It sounds as though life is an awful lot at the moment @marmite2023

Your feelings are all fair, but I think it is easy to see only the negatives when something like this happens.

It sounds to me as though the issue, more than the move itself is that your "ability to cope" cup already has some seriously big rocks in it - your work, a recent house move with a baby, stuff going on with your husband's family, and that this is the absolute max and has tipped you over the edge. It's totally legitimate that that is what's going on.

On the other hand, the posters making the point that having her nearer may well be convenient in the next few years make good points as well.

Do you think there's any compromise to be made here? E.g. mum moving 5 minutes away instead of 30 but not literally 30 seconds?

Excess stuff needing to go into a storage container instead of your attic.

Some really firm boundaries about the nanny even if this is uncomfortable.

And maybe you need to examine what the options are at work? I think work stressing you out as much as it is before you've even got back to it sounds really difficult. You know yourself but if that were me I would be having what I term "referred anxiety" when I'm not actually as anxious about the thing I'm freaking out but it's been referred from the thing I am anxious about but that I don't feel like I have the capacity to change.

I wish my DM lived closer as I am currently doing a 90min round trip 4 times a week to help her as she has been ill

I agree with those positive about this. I think it was harsh to encourage her to pull out, i feel quite sad for her. Lots of elderly move nearer to relatives. People can move where they like surely?

My parents are both in their 80s and have recently given up their car. I think they're being very sensible as lots of older people carry on when they're not really safe to drive (due to slower reactions etc). Do you think your mum foresees this happening in the future? If so, would the 30 minute drive become a bit of a nightmare for her, or is it easy by public transport?

Is your mum’s depression being treated effectively? Or is she trying to tough it out by keeping busy? I think elders’ moods can gradually deteriorate until it’s seen as personality rather than a treatable condition.

I’d bloody love this. We have no family help to speak of (DM bends over backwards to help, doesn’t drive, is 82 and sadly often very ill.) MIL hundreds of miles away and 74, good health, dating, too busy. Oh to pop DD down the road, especially when they get a bit older and you fancy a night out, day out, baby number 2, have a pet, get sick yourself- nobody knows what’s around the corner.

If your mum gets sick it’s easier to have her closer, plus she’s 80, probably won’t be around that long - just being realistic. One fall can be all it takes- literally to change her life (and yours) forever. Your DM sounds active, can she join any clubs etc so her social life isn’t just you? If you’ve argued then she clearly knows how you feel about her/the situation. I couldn’t put her off moving though (personally). I can see a lot of posters hate their DM’s- very sad.

I understand you feel claustrophobic. I guess a lot of that may be due to the relationship you have with your mum.
So her moving so close has triggered some anxiety and panic at managing your relationship with her being so close.
It does sound like you have a lot of love for her and she you. In your shoes, i would not ask her to withdraw from the sale. In the long term, it will be very advantageous for you both ( & your family) that she is near by. I think a conversation needs to be had. Respect for each other is essential for this to work. Your mum needs to know this.
Once the shock settles, hopefully you will see why this is actually a good idea.

In the future you may be pleased that your mum has moved closer you.
Her health could change very quickly. If she’s near by, you will be able to manage this much more easily. If she needs carers one day, I have found, it’s better if they know a family member is near by. Some can be marvellous and others not so much.

Just set clear ground rules with your mum from the start. You are in a strong position now to negotiate these, as a compromise, after the huge fall out.

Or is there an alternative move nearer to you? My Aunt lives in a Sheltered Accommodation Bungalow. She enjoys the company of the other residents, who are all over 80, but are all capable of independent living. She has a better social life than I do.

I do sympathise with you. I was in a similar position to you once. The move did all work out for the best for me and my mum,in the end.

Good luck.

Well I thought it read 300miles!! D'oh

At this point in my life, I think it would be nice to live close enough to my ILs to walk to their home. Not so close though that they can see of our lights are on or off without leaving their own property.

300m is too close. I would
suggest looking for a place that will provide good access, but give everyone that crucial breathing room.

So, after everything she's done for you, you think you have the right to tell her where she can and can't buy a house?
It seems to suit you at the moment, her being just far enough away not to bother you, but close enough to be at your neck and call.

You may have different politics and you don't always see eye to eye but she is 80 and she is your mum. Keep her close, she sounds like a nice lady.

I understand your point of view, OP. I'm in the process of moving mum closer to me (much less close than yours) and I'm dreading it. I'm being all cheerful and encouraging to her because it's a big step for her to admit she needs to give up a bit of her independence but inside I feel quite sick with dread at having her and her judgey comments closer to my life. I do love her.

BUT I've also recently seen a close friend run absolutely ragged by trying to care for elderly parents that were a bit of a distance away. I'm talking about calls in the night, falls, having to go down there and back and then that same day go back again as dad was on the floor and the ambulance said 10 hours. Long spells staying away from home as each recovered from various hospital stays etc. It made her absolutely miserable - if you would care for your mum in the event of ill health (as opposed to her going into a home) it will really benefit you to have her nearby.