Mum moving 300m from us

There is a middle ground here. She could move to your community but not to your street. Read the many threads on here about caring for elderly parents, she is already 80 and you have a little one, foreseeably in the next ten years you could have a very elderly mother in need of some level of support and a school age child, a 30min distance could be challenging. Perhaps having her settled, decluttered and set up in a simple small home nearby at the age of 80 is future proofing for everyone's benefit?

I don't think I would mind this but can understand it may be too much for you. That being said, her moving close to you doesn't mean you will be seeing each other every day. I have relatives who live very close, I don't see them more often.

She would be living on the same street as OP. I would call that living on her doorstep.

I don't know why she is feeling 'unwanted' if you are seeing her twice a week. She is trying to make you feel guilty which is completely unfair.

Please try to let go of the guilt.
My therapist might say something like ‘what are you achieving through the guilt?’
i e it achieves nothing.

But more to the point - you are allowed your own needs and wants in this relationship. You matter!! She has shown she doesn’t respect your boundaries (I shuddered at the sharing of photos online, sorry. I had to have some ridiculously firm discussions with my dad about baby photos online, and he will still tell anyone who will listen how he’s not allowed to share photos, but he has stuck to it). Having her on your doorstep would mean having to reinforce boundaries more often.

I’m sorry. If you’re like me, you keep hoping that they will start respecting boundaries so we can have a different (better) relationship with our parents, but it doesn’t always happen, and that is sad.

I echo what others have said - maybe closer but not so close. And it doesn’t have to be now either.
i think it’s good she’s pulled out of the sale - it was too nearby, too soon for you (and too pushy of her ).

Try not to feel guilty OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong. You see lots of your Mum as it is and sound like a very caring daughter.
The same street is too close, your Mum should have discussed her intentions with you before putting in an offer.
It's a shame that she's depressed, but you and your family can't be the sole solution to this.

she thinks “family” is more important than anything, even though her parents were abusive and her siblings estranged.

But that's WHY family is important to her. I had a terrible life as a chid, moved away as soon as I was old enough, and my mum continued to be a nightmare for another 70 years after that.

Because of that, being a good parent and creating a happy family has been massively important to me, and it's more important than anything, precisely because I didn't experience it with my own parents and sibling.

Any update OP? Is the house purchase off hopefully?🤞

Oh I do feel for you.

I think if you're this stressed now, how will you be when it's a done deal?

Your mum has already demonstrated clearly that she does not respect your boundaries. Having to reinforce them time and time again while she is stood on your doorstep or hinting to come round, or popping into see your DD while you're at work etc will be so hard.

I think you have to protect yourself and your family, including the nanny, and let her pull the plug on this idea. Has she said what her expectations would be if she moved? I am going through something sort of similar with my father, who wishes he lived in our village and I wonder in what ways he thinks his life would improve.

As to all the PP who say how wonderful it would be as she gets older and needs more help, well would it? How would you fit in being her carer too? Please don't feel bad, you are in a tricky situation.

@Lobelia123 I'm with you on this. I think the OP's mum could move nearer but not that near. I think though that what she wants to happen is not realistic, the popping in and out, keeping an eye on the nanny! AND do not assume that you have to become her carer, someone mentioned "helping her into bed", WTAF! You can be caring but not a carer when the time comes

I live next door to my dad!
It has its ups and downs. It was great when the kids were little, he was a very hands on grandparent, and helped me hugely (DH in the forces, full time business, 3 dc). We all went on holiday together, it was great.
But in his later years my dad has really changed. He is grumpy and moans constantly. He is argumentative. He loved the dc when they were little and cute, but now they are young adults and have their own opinions.....He forgets that DH and I are still working and expects us to do everything for him. He has no social life outside of us, which puts a huge burden on me (only child). He comes into our house and reads our mail if its left out! We cook for him every night after work, and he critiques everything! His health is not great recently, and it's all he talks/ moans about. No interest in what we are doing, or in what the dc are doing (although he feels he has a right to tell us all what we should be doing!) He won't join clubs or make friends because he "doesn't need them". He has recently had to stop driving, so expects us to take him where he wants to go, when he wants to go (like suddenly needs to go to the tip).
I love him, but it is very wearing!

She should have cleared it with you first.

I empathize, OP. If my Dad (86) moved so close to us, he’d be poking his nose in our business all the time! OTOH, his health is very different to five years ago. His mobility suddenly deteriorated and he went from being a keen hiker to using a walker very quickly. Plus, he’s great with my teenagers, he adores them. And I could support him far more easily, which he now needs (emotional and practical support).

So I’d suggest thinking it over. As other have said, your visits may become less intense if you’re so close by.

Let her throw her toys out of the pram. She knew she was being unreasonable or she wouldn't have snuck around behind your back and presented you with a fait accompli - she gambled that you wouldn't make a fuss. She was wrong and now feels humiliated.

Is there anywhere near you that rents out as an Airbnb? Maybe she can test drive living near you without committing first for a few weeks. She may miss her friends and her familiar life. It may confirm that it will kill the existing relationship between you. Or maybe it won't be as bad as you think. It must be an extended period though so she can't just mask her natural tendencies for a day or two.

Good luck. My parents have both passed but the mere idea of having my mother that close makes me feel ill.

I wouldn't say that 300m is on your doorstep. It sounds like a decent distance.

I would let her find somewhere else suitable but not so near. She patently does not respect your boundaries (safeguarding) so unlikely to respect any clear boundaries around living nearby. And you don’t want to lose the good rekationships you have with nanny and DH. She can be encouraged to use carers and clubs for social support. I feel for her emotional needs as her background sounds tough but making your life stressful win’t fix her. As long as you continue to see her she will still enjoy DD.

They are literally saying "speaking for myself". It's not hard to understand.

All the people posting 'speaking for myself, Id welcome this' really grind my gears. Its not you, its not your mum, or your life or your relationship - its the OPs, who obviously has a different perspective and history. So stop pushing your narratives onto her, and just try to understand where shes coming from and offer some positive support and advice. There is definately a Mumsnet version of mansplaining....shall we call it Mumsplaining....where smug people who are not epxeriencing the troubles and stresses of someone else, very piously opine on their lovely lives and how THEY would experience or deal with it all. please just read and understand and try to be a support and not just another stressor.

300m is too close. I would* suggest looking for a place that will provide good access, but give everyone that crucial breathing room.*

What makes you think that the OP has any right to dictate where her mother lives? She doesn't.

Being closer might be better. My MIL lived next door to us for the last ten years of her life. Seeing her for 10/15 mins most days was infinitely better than having to pack, drive 3 hours and stay for weekends every 5/6 weeks. My sons spent as much time in her house as ours and they were very close, lovely to see.

My mum is 83. For the past four years I’ve been doing soooo much for her. She went downhill from being very fit, active and independent so quickly. She’s a mile away and I want her to move into an annexe with us (she doesn’t want to). At the moment I go twice a day.

Im wondering if your stress over your return to work is making this a bigger issue than it actually is? I’m also thinking it’s hard to imagine sitting alone for five days when your own life is so busy. But I do understand. I love my mum but we’ve always had a slightly difficult relationship and see things in different ways. But she’s always helped me when she could.

There's a lot of people on here assuming you'll be caring for your mum and it'll be handy having her close by.

You do not have to do this! No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. I have had to point out to mine that, if she moved to our city, that wouldn't mean I had any additional time to spend with her. It's basic maths. I still have the same full time job and child. She was fondly imagining being there at mealtimes, meeting up for coffee in the daytime etc and has little idea of the reality of juggling work, children's activities etc.

Several people have portrayed idyllic pictures of local grandparents pottering in and out of family life but there is no guarantee that's what you'd end up. I grew up with a grandparent next door - which severely limited what we could do as a family. Only being able to go out for a family meal somewhere she could come too, not being able to go far for a holiday because of needing to get back for an emergency.

It can be incredibly difficult dealing with Mums who have embroiled themselves in their children’s lives from childhood.

i wish I’d anticipated & understood more when my children were younger.

I would try as hard as possible to trust your feelings & stay with them for longer. Read about emotional abuse ( hope this doesn’t feel too strong a term). Read You Are Not The Problem.

Whether your mum is 30m or 300km away can really make little difference times.

A friend recently suggested a great idea to help me (87yr old mum). Writing a kind of agreement. Eg, When you raise your voice I will leave. Respect my views and no pictures of my children on line.

Look after yourself OP 💐

Having read your updates @marmite2023 I do think she will be much too close. It's a very difficult decision. Yes - she may, when her time comes, go quickly, or she may grow very elderly and frail more gradually and live into her 90's. A half hour drive to her current house, at 3 am in the morning because of a fall or similar - repeated frequently and getting worse as time went on is no fun. I have been there.

On the other hand, I am also well aware of the complaints about not phoning enough, the criticisms and the pressure - what you describe as claustrophobia - and that was hugely wearing. My Mother was also fit and able to get out by herself, see friends and was still driving until she was 89. She died at 93.

On balance, for me, it was better that she WAS 30 minutes drive away, or she would never have been away from our door. She was quite selfish, so her perceived needs trumped everyone else's. If she wants to move so close to you, she is thinking about all the company she will get, how involved she will be in your lives, how much you will look after her as she ages. You would be better trying to encourage her to find more company closer to where she lives just now, in my opinion (based on my experience). Or lay down the boundaries right now and more importantly STICK to them. But that will be hard to do. Otherwise you could find things very difficult now and in the future

As someone else said, unless she is moving to a bungalow, you should be trying to persuade her, that another house with stairs is not a good idea if she is trying to 'future-proof' her position as she ages?

Good Luck