Sibling not taking responsibility

'@BeaRF75 · Today 10:08
There is no obligation for anyone to "take responsibility", OP. You and your sibling have simply made different choices - neither of you is wrong. Each individual has to do what is right for them.'

This.

He has made his choice but that also does not mean that you need to play the role of the martyr and take all the burden.

You need to make it clear to your mother and health care professionals that your mother will need to accept the help of carers as you are not able to step into that role. You have a choice too.

What is being expected of your brother? If it's a call now and then I'd say he's being unreasonable, if it's an hour on the phone a day I wouldn't.

I'm currently in a similar situation, one of four, and do everything for my mum who is terminally ill. The others may possibly drop the odd phonecall now and then.

Sounds fairly normal. We are five sisters and one brother.

As soon as DM became frail, dB became permanently busy.
Two sisters including one who was a trained nurse, semi-retired and lived five minutes away, vanished.

Care/Interaction was left to three of us who all lived 40 miles away or more, and all worked full time.

The same for clearing & cleaning the house after DM died, and handling probate. Annoying. 🙄

We're not at this stage yet as DM is well and fit, but I can see the writing on the wall. Golden child younger DB who also benefited more financially has moved abroad and only contacts DM when she reminds him she exists (he wasn't much better when he lived in the UK), other DB who lives similar distance away from DM as me does keep in contact but hasn't visited for nearly a year. I can't see the older DB stepping up when needed but DM is convinced he will.

I've had friends with elderly parents who needed care and have seen how they shared the support with siblings, I know what can be involved, how time consuming it can be even if it's mainly admin and am dreading having to do it all. I just hope DM is proved right when the time comes and DB surprises me.

If he was the golden, I assume you were the scapegoat and treated accordingly. It seems like this sort of parent also becomes the most entitled and demanding, not caring whether you can cope with the burden, as they didn't care when you were younger. Perhaps I'm projecting. My MIL is similar. I feel no need to help her. She would never help us if the roles were reversed

That's exactly like my "D"M.

If you can’t cope with the care your mum needs you’ll need to talk to her again about outside help, it’s not acceptable to say she won’t accept it sadly and it’s unfair on you to take on this much, you’ll make yourself ill.

It doesn’t mean you don’t care but if it’s become untenable then something will have to give, especially if your brother isn’t stepping up to help your mum.

The pp idea of phrasing it differently, like a cleaner, someone to do some washing, change beds etc rather than a carer is a good idea.

There is no obligation for anyone to "take responsibility", OP. You and your sibling have simply made different choices - neither of you is wrong. Each individual has to do what is right for them.

Two issues here

• yes, disappearing siblings are very much a thing (not my experience but what I see and hear). Your brother is a selfish shit and clearly always has been.
• you accepting your mum not accepting carers, and stepping in to do everything she needs done. Check out the Elderly Parent boards here for excellent advice. It's not fair of her to demand this of you, and what will happen to her when you burn out/get ill/go on holiday?

If he was the golden, I assume you were the scapegoat and treated accordingly. It seems like this sort of parent also becomes the most entitled and demanding, not caring whether you can cope with the burden, as they didn't care when you were younger. Perhaps I'm projecting. My MIL is similar. I feel no need to help her. She would never help us if the roles were reversed.

If you need to step away, do so. I think parents like this reap what they sow. I'm one of 8 siblings. We equally shared the care of our parents while they werestill alive.

How common is it that when an elderly parent starts becoming needy all the responsibility for them falls on one child and the others just disappear?

In my experience, very common. And if there was a Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic the Golden Child never does any of the work.

Golden Child grew up being taught they were perfect and people should bow down to them - so when shit hits the fan, they are overwhelmed and head for the hills.

Scapegoat has been brought up to expect to do everything so they carry on, now with added bitterness.

Sometimes you see the Scapegoat see it for what it is, and walk away but not often.

Everything will fall to DH’s brother (or nobody), but that’s due to FIL being vile. It’s not that uncommon. Does sound like your brother is being very unreasonable in your situation though - but also, if he was the golden child, your parents obviously had something to do with that dynamic.

*paid for services

I'm so sorry about your mum. Sadly, I think what you're experiencing happens in the vast majority of cases. One sibling ends up doing essentially everything for the elderly parents, and it's almost a guarantee to be the sister if the only other sibling is a male.

I would have put money on the missing sibling being a Brother.

I think you're just going to have to accept that he's not around but it doesn't mean that you have to do everything either.

It's your DM's choice not to have Carers that doesn't mean that you have to become her carer OP, as hard as it can be to see them struggle.

Work out what you're willing to take on and what needs doing.

Talk to your DM about a Gardener and a Cleaner. Does she have a milkman and a window cleaner too?

These are all paid for devices that can make life a lot easier for her.

I've recently sold the idea of a Carer to my DA but suggesting that she pays for her Cleaner for an extra session each week just to empty the bins, make the beds and do a bit of shopping. Her Cleaner is local and is happy to do Home Help type stuff so it's working out well.

Lots of older people seem quite terrified of using the term Carer. I don't know if they see it as being vulnerable or losing independence but if you can try and frame it in a different way they usually end up agreeing that they would benefit from some kind of help.

Are you in touch with the local Carers Hub? We have found them very useful at providing support.

There's also a Stroke Survivors group that meets once a week in our Town. Is your DM getting to anything like that?