Sibling not taking responsibility

Sorry missed she won't accept carers

Op I'm so sorry this is how you find yourself, in my experience yes.

My sister has completely washed her hands of my my mum she's in her 80s and needs help, my sister has decided that my mum was somehow abusive and written an entire untrue narrative to justify her lack of giving a shit. She's simply walked away. No we don't speak.

It's awful but afraid it's what I'm dealing with as well.

Tell your rich, successful brother to pay for a carer to cover his 50% of help for your mother if he's not able to help himself. Point out you're stressed too.

If you look there is generally a lot of support available for elderly people especially if they can pay for it.

I am not elderly but I am disabled following an accident.

I go to various physio groups for people who have had strokes/accidents, my local church runs coffee mornings and lunch clubs. I have joined a community choir.

I'm about to employ someone to batch cook for me every week as I'm too disabled to cook any more. I have a cleaner.

Your mother does not have to rely on family for socialisation. She can get out and join things and in fact there are many organisations who specifically organise stuff for people in her sort of situation,

She could try:
Her local church/or if she is not Christian her mosque or gurdwara
The stroke association run events both online and in person
Her local hospital will offer physio and she can also employ a private physio (I have done this for eight of the last ten years)
I go to seated exercise groups run by my local leisure centre.

I have no choice but to help her as she is very frail but will not accept carers or any outside help

You do have a choice.

Your mother sounds like a very selfish manipulative woman who is happy to watch her disabled daughter struggle to the point of a mental breakdown, as long as she gets what she wants i.e. no outside help.

It’s not your brothers fault you can’t say no. Was your mum really an okay parent if there was a ‘golden child’ dynamic? That doesn’t sound like it would have been healthy for either of you growing up.

Have you looked into things like befrienders to support your Mum with social interaction? Age UK have lots of information about this and how to find a befriended which can be via telephone or face to face: www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

I treat people based on how they treated me in their prime, when life was easier for them.

So my dad spent his 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and early 60’s getting high on cocaine and alcohol. He went to rehab 3 years ago and has been clean since. He is expecting everyone to rally round him and for him to basically pick up from where he left us in childhood.

I’m a parent myself and have had to sacrifice like most parents for my children, my dad never did. I can’t fully forgive him, so when he says how lonely he is I think well you made your bed.

He is very charming but once you speak to him a few times he becomes a racist who says things about how my mum stopped him seeing us which is a lie. I have to keep fact checking him it’s just that he has no excuse for why he preferred to get high to seeing his own children. When he gets like this I have to space out the calls again until he goes back to being surface level nice.

Was your mum nice to you? Were you the scape goat? If you were I would be doing the bare minimum and getting carers in.

From a different point of view - maybe the DB is totally overwhelmed with both his mum and sisters medical / mental health issues and his way of coping is to totally withdraw?

Ask for all the inheritance to be transferred to you before you die. If you were to leave your mum to be at the centre of the care services, the cost weekly will be substantial. People in your circumstance are treated like slaves and after your mum dies. The vultures will be flocking for their shares.

Exactly the point I was trying to make.

@user1474315215 it’s not always the physical care but actually checking there is care in place? My DB sending flowers isn’t checking whether DM is still able to fend for herself, eating well, mental capacity is still there etc That bit is very much left to me.

I think that posters saying that there is a choice are deluded. There isn’t the care system in place to ensure that elderly lone parents that are not needing full time medical care get the assistance they need from the state to live independently.

This. You can’t change him op. That doesn’t mean you need to do it all. It is not your responsibility, or indeed his. If she needs carers, she gets carers. Don’t be a martyr, you will only hurt yourself.

BeaRF75 · Today 10:08
There is no obligation for anyone to "take responsibility", OP. You and your sibling have simply made different choices - neither of you is wrong. Each individual has to do what is right for them.”

Absolutely this. I feel no responsibility for my mother.
We are very close to our children but the idea that they should feel responsible for us in years to come is just wrong. We are putting things in place to ensure that they never feel any such pressure. If they want to visit because they enjoy our company, great but the idea of them in anyway providing “care” is just not on the radar. That’s not why we had them.

I have a slightly different situation but your comments really resonated with me OP.

My absolutely wonderful DF passed away completely unexpectedly about 8w ago. We were incredibly close. I have/had a more complicated relationship with my DM. It was very turbulent as a teen, pretty awful to be fair. I was a difficult teen and we didn’t get on. Fault on both sides. It’s obviously improved over the last 20 years, but I’ve never had the same easy relationship with her.

My younger brother was her golden child. Most definitely her favourite. He got on well with both our parents but he and my mum were probably closer. Over many years I have felt that he was ‘babied’ by her. He’s in his mid 30s but a bit of a man child to be honest.

This has become extremely obvious over the past 8w. He is a teacher so has been on school holidays since my dad died. He has no children. During the school holidays he has always reverted to behaving like a teenager- staying in bed till the afternoon and spending a lot of time gaming etc.

I had really hoped that, given the circumstances he would have stepped up these past few weeks. He hasn’t.

I am the one going to visit her every day (altho, having now gone back to work in the past 10 days I’ve had to reduce it to 3/4times a week). I’m the one messaging or calling every day to check in on her. I am the one helping out practically with things like taking her to the shops. I am dealing with the mountain of paperwork and did everything for organising the funeral. I have asked for more support, he’s told me he is ‘busy’.

i am so angry with him. I feel like he’s always been her favourite, why is he not taking some responsibility now?! It feels very unfair. To be honest, I’m now at the point that I am completely disgusted by his behaviour.

i don’t have any answers for you, I’m afraid, OP. I just wanted to say you’re not alone in being in this situation. It’s really shit.

No one has a duty to look after their parents. I'm in my 70s, and currently in good health, but I absolutely don't expect my DC to care for me should my health decline.

@Namechangejustincase24 · Today 11:07
It’s easy to say ‘you have a choice’ but no paid help is going to house admin, appointments and arrange shopping.

Again if the OP is disabled and is struggling with her own health issues and running her own life, she has the choice to make it clear she cannot take on responsibility for someone else in her situation.

Her mother might have to consider that she can no longer live independently.

Bet these absent siblings won’t be so absent when the will is read

It’s very common. My partner’s mother developed dementia a few years ago and as he was living with her he ended up being the one having to look after her. He has three brothers and three sisters who didn’t want to know. She is in a nursing home now and the only reason that happened is because we were going on holiday and his siblings refused to look after her while we were gone away.

My DB phones my DM every few months and will send flowers occasionally. Which is nice but isn’t exactly the hands on help she is beginning to need. Doesn’t even check that she is getting the help she needs

It’s easy to say ‘you have a choice’ but no paid help is going to house admin, appointments and arrange shopping.