Sibling not taking responsibility

My hubby is the "scapegoat" child and BIL is the golden child who has schemed his way through all of their private pension.

I used to be very close to them, take them places, buy them things, holidays together, take MIL to work, appointments etc. I was there when she received her cancer diagnosis.

BIL behaved in a disgusting way towards us (10 year build up) and we decided to cut ties and distance ourselves from him. MIL wasn't happy with this and decided to punish us by ostracizing us from the wider family and becoming very cold and nasty towards us.

Safe to say after years of frosty relations, my hubby has now distanced himself completely. We certainly won't be caring for her in her latter years, niether will he so she will have a very lonely existence.

My hubby will feel elements of guilt, elements of shame even but he won't relent after all the hurt that's been caused. Sometimes people have to make decisions which are best for them.

It's such a difficult situation isn't it? I have this situation now with my in-laws who have four children. Two have really stepped up and do so much for them. Things like being at their house nearly everyday, organising cleaners and carers, doing shopping, cleaning, running them to appointments, life admin etc. It's just never ending. The other two do very little and I don't think realise how much the two that do, actually do. The father should really be in a care home but they wanted to keep him at home and the mother has become very needy. This takes my partner away from us when we have a young family and because he is doing so much for them he is becoming tired. We have our own juggle of both working, having a young family and trying to keep on top of things in our own house. It's not an easy situation. Potentially they could be around for maybe another 15 years and I don't think that anymore would be able to cope with things like they are for so long. X

@Willowcat77 if I tell you one brother refused to video call my mum in her last couple of months (wanted to remember her how she was. If only I’d had that luxury), one visited once and one didn’t even log on to the remote link for her funeral, you’ll understand why I get the situation you find yourself in. They’ve been no better with Dad in a care home. People are endlessly disappointing I’m afraid. I comfort myself with the hope they will, one day, have a long dark night of the soul…

@DoreenonTill8 Where we live, SS just don’t do them. They are supposed to come to
the home and assess what the elderly person can do. They don’t. DM left hospital 3 times with nothing in place. Every time - over 90. As soon as they sniff a relative, they won’t bother. So you have to pay. Then DM tells you about all those dutiful daughters she knows! The ones who simply give up their lives for their parents. I’ve got dc and a dh. DM had to accept my life was not going to be purely looking after her. Working together with give and take is what is best but not 100% on one sibling.

My DM (when younger) used to volunteer for the Stroke Association. She used to go to a day care centre and help with social activities, also used to go on day trips

Has your mum had a needs assessment?
Is she able to cook, shop etc for herself?
If it's purely social interaction is there any daycare services?

Does she have a cleaner? That can be a way of getting used to someone, other than family, coming into the house. Then build up to a carer.

There are charities where volunteers go into people’s houses just to keep them company for an hour or so. Again could you start gradually with someone like that.

You need to tell your DM that you can’t do everything

OP with your extra information, I would think differently about your mum.

She has been seriously affected by her stroke, especially in terms of memory and emotions.

If your brother rang her, would she remember?

When she says she doesn't want carers does she have capacity to make this decision? Can she appreciate what she needs help with, how much time you have available, weigh this up and make an appropriate decision or does she just fall back on crying and being scared?

When the Occupational Therapist said she needs social stimulation, I would interpret this as getting out, going to day centres, having carers etc not an expectation that you and your brother would be all of it.

My DH does more for my DM than my brother does.

Yes, this is really common! Ironically my sibling only exists because our parents, both only children, didn't want me to be left dealing with their care needs on my own when they got older! They struggled with having an extra child, which affected my childhood too. I see my sibling about once a year now, never speak to him and he wasn't seen until the bitter end when our DDad was dying. I was the one who ran out doing shopping, cleaning, organising carers etc.

I realised this would repeat with our DM and I can't do it again, it was awful the first time round and I actually loved my DDad! I've accepted that my brother will be useless and do nothing to support DM. But that doesn't meant I have to jump in and do everything for her.

Work out what you can manage with your own health conditions. Draw that boundary. Anything else would have to be done by carers or by joining local groups. I do POA financial stuff, support with assistance with online things but I don't do physical caring, don't speak to her more than once a week and see her occasionally.

It also builds resilience. Even if you did take it all on, at some point you'd burnout, have a relapse or catch flu (or similar!). If you don't have a wider support network running then both of you are in trouble.

This is tough OP

But you need to reframe the issue

You are seeing as black and white. You either "abandon her completely" or "take on ALL the responsibilities"

Neither is ideal

You do not have to accept that your mum does "not accept carers or help"

You do not have to take on all the responsibility. You can tell your mum you are unable to do that and that she needs to get proper help.

Nobody will step in and save you I OP, you need to stand up for yourself and protect your own boundaries. You need to word it very clearly to doctors, social services, the council, your mum : I cannot and will not be your caretaker. There is no care in place. There is no family carer.

And yes, I have just done this myself with an elderly parent. I feel zero guilt

I was making the point that it’s not as black and white as just choose not to take on the care, OP clearly wants what’s best for her mum so would also suffer if she felt she was not looked after.

Feel for you OP, I could have written this post myself.

Older DS, younger DB, and neither interested in supporting dad with caring for DM, so it was dad and me right til the end.

They both crawled out of their holes when they thought there might be a hit of inheritance for them though.

Makes me so mad. I see dad every single day now, have done since DM passed - and I'm proud of how well he's coping.
He talks a lot about inheritance and what he should do with the estate when he goes etc.
I've told him to spend the bloody lot and enjoy it while he can - we are not entitled to anything.

You will have the peace of a clear conscience and that is invaluable.

Again to those who say 'there is no choice', people are missing the point that the OP is a vulnerable adult herself with a long term health condition and she admits that she has already been affected to the point where she had a breakdown.

It really is not safe for either individuals or feasible to suggest someone in that situation should look after another vulnerable adult long term.

OP you need to forget about the guilt and the pressure to do 'the right thing' and understand that you can't risk compromising your health in the process.

If you have a support worker or mental health nurse you need to speak to them and say you are not coping.

Your brother is not going to help, so there is no point wasting anymore time trying to get him to get involved, and you are struggling so it is time to ask for help from social services and again your mother will need to accept that you and your brother cannot be her carers.

Your mental and physical health OP is not any less important than your mother's.

@Willowcat77 I totally get your problem. You need to get POA sorted out if you haven’t. For health and finance.

Then you need to accept your brother won’t help. I had 2 sisters who did exactly this. One didn’t visit for 6 years. Absence makes the heart grow fonder though! Other Dsis stopped visiting too. Trained in a senior healthcare role too. I emailed them. DD helped me compose the email. Basically you have to state you cannot do this alone. They do have a role. One butted out completely and the other stepped up and at least visited. After DM died, they haven’t helped clear the house, sort out the funeral etc - nothing. So we now aren’t going to have a relationship.

Save yourself by insisting your dm has help. You absolutely must. You cannot do it alone and need to care for yourself. DM didn’t want carers but we had the minimum. She then went into a care home. I simply could not look after her alone and the hospital said care home too. So selling the property was then down to me - of course! It’s relentless and it breaks you if you let it. I’ve not got anything for my efforts in financial terms but I have the moral high ground! I bothered. After 18, they disappeared for years. Look after yourself. No one else will. Your DM must be told what she needs to do to help you. You matter too. It’s a partnership.

I agree.

I grew up with that and put up with that shit for another twenty years as an adult. I too struggle to say no. I am not even sure it's a feature of autism, but of parents not respecting their own boundaries and teaching their children to not have any boundaries of their own.

However, interacting with my family was slowly erroding myself and I struggled to function on a normal basis every time I got another cry-call from my mother or after having to deal with my father's tantrums. I got sick of it. I realized that if I don't take care of myself, no one else will.

OP, you are the only one who can protect yourself and guard your own boundaries. It's not cruel to look after you own needs first. In fact your mom has been very cruel leeching off of you emotionally and now guiltripping you into tying yourself to her like this. You need to look after yourself.

You can do what you are able to for your mom if that's what you want, but not at your own expense.

Well. Ready to be flamed for questioning an individuals right to do whatever the hell they please but…..
of course he should call her OP. And visit. And generally help. No wonder things are the state they are with all these people expecting everyone else to do the hard work. What was it one of you said ‘must do what’s right for the individual’ my goodness, what a truly depressing nihilistic selfish attitude.
if you want community, society and family support - you do rather have to participate in it.
if your parent was half decent and not abusive the idea you just walk away and do what’s right for you is beyond sickening, if you think the current NHS can provide above minimal care and you want your mum to sit in her own s**t then go for it.
Sometimes we have to do hard, unpleasant, difficult things because they are the right thing to do. But the levels of selfishness all around have now reached the heights that apparently none of us even owe care to a decent parent. Obligation and reciprocity is the bedrock of society. And frankly, most of us are rejecting it.

I'm in the same position with my siblings and terminally ill mother. I'm also autistic and it's very hard, but I'm also glad I can support my mum. From what I understand, this is very common

SusieSussex · Today 12:27
Sorry missed she won't accept carers

She may well if OP doesn’t go so often.

Sad for your Mum but equally sad that your mother will not accept help so that you are not as burdened.
You should only do what you can do happily.

Insist that your mother uses the services of others too.
Arrange for a cleaner etc.

Absolutely this. If family members don't help, then the situation will deteriorate rapidly - so who should deal? Not saying it's right by any means but some can walk away more easily than others.
My siblings left it to me - they didn't even respond to call alarms when I was away - the police had to attend. Our mother would have died for all they cared.
She's gone now but I actually treasure the time that I spent with her before she died.
I never want to see them again - I hope their DC treat them the same way.

I think it is common.

Some people need prompting to keep up very basic contact with their families, perhaps he is one of these. It sounds like his girlfriend hasn’t figured out that it’s her job yet. 🙄

having said that there might be more to his personal situation or his relationship with his mum that you are aware of.

@PolaroidPrincess It's not always the brother! My husband was the one who was doing a hundred mile round trip three times a week, and staying over some nights, despite being disabled himself, while his sister, who lived 5 minutes away, was never there. This was not at all unexpected, as she generally was only nice to MIL when she wanted money. Her Oscar worthy display of grief at the funeral was truly nauseating though.

The best solution to this is to find a carer that you pay privately.

She then comes with you whenever you visit your mum.

You treat her like she has always been there. Play board games with her, watch tv with her, do hand physio with her, etc etc.

Over time your mum will get used to her and you will be able to leave "early" and then eventually your mum will be ok with her on her own.