Sibling not taking responsibility

You won’t get free help unless you are on pension credit with next to no savings. You have to pay. Community nurses only do nursing, not other needs. It’s actually a nightmare.

This is a myth. It is unlikey to happen, What is more is that somebody will whisper in Mums ear and get the lot.

As I said, Watch your back.

@AllPrincessAnneshorses Yes. I knew it was illegal. In the end mum paid for carers and had two lovely ladies. They were great. I rather suspect MPs are impotent in this. SS just don’t have the staff.

did get a phone call after DMs last stay in hospital. Social worker said she had spoken to the hospital and DM was coming home with 4 visits a day. This wasn’t what the discharge team or OPs had said to me. They said a care home. That was clearly the only possibility! I think SS thought they were paying so 4 visits a day was their cheapest offering. Mum went to a care home and died 6 months later. She was over 100 though. I never had 1 second of help from SS or my sisters. One of whom didn’t turn up to DMs 100 th birthday, or her children. So DH and me are done with them. Sticks in my throat that they are getting half her estate.

@EmotionalBlackmail Ah, I didn’t realize that. I’m assuming that the Mum would need to pay for the service? That might be a sticking point.

@Willowcat77 such an interesting conversation thread. Similar situation very unpleasant mother, DF was her enabler and in his defence he had no real option as she was so controlling. Sister and I have done a lot of life admin in past 3 to 5 or so years. Ridiculous requests by mother for food delivery in Covid. Refused to accept supermarket delivery so we had to keep driving over with her very specific orders. I realise we didn’t need to but it was hard to say no. Fast forward DF needed nursing home care. Sis and I spent a week calling places explaining his needs and eventually found one. DBrother kept using the excuse he was ‘supporting my Mum’. Rubbish excuse as he ‘popped in’ occasionally. He was always the blue eyed boy as a kid. Daft as to be honest-really iffy life choices but in our mother’s eyes it was never ever his fault. DSis and I are pretty broken at the moment and overwhelmed at the fact mother refuses to engage with any help except us nearly 60 year olds cleaning for her, buying food and generally stepping up. My DSis (incredibly patient and stoical) partner sent our mother a text late last year asking her to not keep bothering the adult grandchildren at all times of day as they are busy and live on the other side of the country. DBrother showed the text to “everyone “ who proceeded to be “gobsmacked” at the “cruelty”. There is nothing wrong with our mother.She has always been the same so no change in behaviour. He seems to have failed to tell “everyone “ anything my DSis and I have done - my guess is they would be right to be “gobsmacked” if they knew the truth. Like mother like son is my thought. As ever thanks for the support and option to VENT. I watched the 102 year old do the Sky dive yesterday and pondered the fact whilst our mother wouldn’t do a skydive she could live another 20 years and I’ll be nearly 80 scrubbing her shower , shopping etc. Honestly I don’t think I can.

I was just about to say the same thing.
They are often the most entitled to boot

That's what some carers do though. They might be called something like a PA more often but they can do things like shopping, assist with admin, provide companionship, drive/accompany to appointments.

Her Mum doesn’t need carers in the usual sense though, she needs someone to help with shopping and admin, and she needs company. Carers typically help with physical needs, getting someone out of bed, washed, etc.

Honestly I'd be very reluctant to get involved caring for someone that was refusing carers. I know it's selfish but I wouldn't want to risk getting in over my head.

Elderly and disabled people DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to turn down services and then expect their family to do the work

I'm sorry but they very much do have that right. As cognitive decline sets in and the neural pathways are less flexible, they may choose to exercise that right. Common sense leaves the building, elderly friends and neighbours collude. Other people see it as an opportunity to slag off family members ( female) who make themselves ill trying to help.

When your children grow up and know the truth ( as they should) they will be really proud of you. I wouldn’t even keep in contact with your dad

As your Mum doesn’t need physical help, you might want to contact Adult Social Services about someone to help her with admin., etc. After my step-mum died, my elderly Dad was struggling and a Community Assessor helped him with admin/practical matters for several weeks. They support people who are struggling with difficult situations, not just bereavement. It’s worth contacting them and seeing if that type of help is available in your area. A stroke is a life-changing event.

If they really don't, and it is not her decision to refuse an assessment (which can happen and can seem on the surface like SS refusal], that is against the law and you should contact your MP..

Former older people's social worker here. It's so common I used to expect it, and was always pleasantly surprised when siblings worked together. My sis and I have not had the best relationship over the years but we did band together to care for our dying mum. Partly because of my experiences.

I've got a very weak and pathetic mother. She used to be a rock for me and my sisters but from the age of 65 she's become unbearable.

My dad died 4 years ago. She's become old and unbearable. Doesn't move out of her chair.

But I visit 3 times a week... I can't /won't do anything to help her as I've had a Stroke!

You reap what you sow with your kids. Your mother is seeing that now.

You don't have to do everything though. You can step back and force her to accept outside help.

Op please read @AnnaMagnani's post above, it's very important.

Your mum's stroke and the changes in her must have been such a shock to you. By the sound of it, she's not getting the kind of therapy she has the right to expect. I work for a stroke team and I know how we sometimes load things onto the family that they really should push back on - they should ask us to imagine what they are dealing with. But so often they want so desperately to help that they just agree without questions. And then you have this frankly unacceptable response from your brother. Not even calling your mum is pathetic. The distress that causes her, and the anger you feel, is yet more on your shoulders.

Ask the occupational therapist for more information. The stroke association, Age UK may have help, and there are often local organisations that can help too. Tell the OT what's going on.

Mum needs to accept carers, and if she won't you need to back off until she will. Elderly and disabled people DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to turn down services and then expect their family to do the work. And I say that as a woman in my 60s with a painful physical disability. Your mum is the one being unreasonable here.

As for your brother, he's a lousy human being for not contacting his mum, but you can't change him. There are no magic words to make him step up, so stop driving yourself crazy trying to get him to do something he won't. Get carers for mum and let db make his own (poor) decisions.

Completely agree!

I feel if you can communicate somehow with your brother mum needs a carer can he pay some at least, maybe it would ease the burden? It sounds awful I am sorry you are stuck with this. I agree with many posters about brothers being favourites then disappearing when their mum needs them. A future scenario I’m sure I’m going to encounter.

Where possible outsource all.the things that can be done so that u can continue being daughter instead of carer. It will better for everyone all round. This will preserve your relationship. U will be able to do the 'nice' things instead of chores.

Watch your back would be my advice.

it sounds as if your brother has always been a selfish person who takes from others rather than gives. Unfortunately, people like that don’t suddenly become kind and caring when their parents become elderly.

You just have accept that he’s not a kind person. If you want to have a go at him about it, go ahead, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t achieve anything.

Re. Social interaction. Do you have any other relatives or family friends who might be willing to ring/visit your Mum sometimes if you explained that she’s lonely? I’m quite upfront about this for my widowed Dad and have asked ppl to keep in touch with him-and most do. Just the occasional phone call can make a big difference.

I think @Stressmess post above has it with It's just never ending and I'd add to that, it's never enough...