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Elderly parents
Original poster

Can't face visiting my dad

62 replies

Borntorunfast · 23/08/2024 12:12

This is complicated and it's long, sorry!!

I've posted about my dad before. We thought he had dementia. It has taken ages to get the GP to take our concerns seriously, and in the meantime his behaviour went off the scale: eg. seven 999 call-outs in 4 days, all due to him making up illnesses, flinging himself on the floor ("falls") and then wedging himself between furniture so that no one could pick him up, screaming (ironically that he couldn't breathe, but he could breathe well enough to scream for 3 hours straight), terrible verbal abuse towards my mum, uncles, the paramedics, and me.

Anyway, after all those call-outs, the paramedics triggered a safeguarding report (mainly for mum, due to his verbal abuse), and they took him in.

Dad has been in hospital for 2 weeks. He's had a CT and MRI scan.

He doesn't have dementia.

He has now been referred to the hospital psychiatry team for an assessment next week. They want to put him on an anti-psychotic medication, as his behaviour has continued in hospital. In some ways this is good as we now have evidence/witnesses (dad lies all the time and puts "on a good show" whenever we have tried to get him help in the past). Though he's refusing the meds.

But - Dad wants me to visit. I've been on holiday for 2 weeks but am now back.

I've not had a visit or call this year where Dad hasn't shouted at me. Or been angry and abusive. I don't want to see him because it upsets me to the degree that I then can't sleep for several nights. I have ASD and so get upset more than (I think) 'normal' people; he makes me feel deeply unsafe, I can't quite describe it.

He's also been a shit dad all my life.

I spent every day of my holiday on the phone advocating for both him and mum, and speaking to mum 2-3 times a day, messaging in between. I am super calm and practical and know that the best help I can give is this - sorting and pushing and advocating. Being the grown up.

I can't be that person if I feel so frightened when we are in the same room. I feel like a tiny child being terrorised by this awful looming bullying man, even though he's 80, clearly out of his mind, and frail.

Should I just woman up and go see him? My family think I am a massive bitch for not - but I do SO much for my parents, just not in a showy way (unlike my brother). If I go I'll get my 'good daughter' credits and they'll back off for a bit. None of my family know I have ASD, btw - I don't feel safe enough to tell them. I have long been characterised as the 'weird' and 'emotional' one, though they are all happy enough to lean on me when something difficult needs sorting out.

I don't know what to do. Would really welcome advice as I feel, as someone with ASD, that my decision making is off. Thanks if you read this far!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Borntorunfast · 23/08/2024 12:34

Cross post @Lexy70 - just read your last post. Made me tear up. Thank you x

OP posts:
Flossflower · 23/08/2024 12:34

Really if it upsets you that much I would not visit. Why would you care about somebody that didn’t care about you? My Dad was a horrible person. He lived until 97. My husband thought he lived so long because he looked after himself and didn’t spend time thinking about other people. I didn’t see him an all after he was 90 and very little for the years before that. He died several years ago and I have absolutely no regrets.

Octavia64 · 23/08/2024 12:34

In your shoes what I would do:

Book a lovely hotel near him for after your visit.

Arrange some nice things for you to do after the visit.

Tell your DH or anyone else you can rely on to phone you at a particular time.

Arrange with your DH that he will say one of your DC is ill and you need to leave immediately.

Tell your dad you need to leave immediately explain the "situation" and go.

I'd suggest a vomiting dc.

That way you "see him" but for a very short time.

Your dad sounds seriously mentally ill and very difficult to be around. Feel free to take this advice if you need to but also feel free to not go.

He is NOT your responsibility.

I suspect he will wind up on an NHS ward on safeguarding grounds.

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 23/08/2024 12:33

Thanks @Lexy70 and yes, that's what the hospital have said, they're all scratching their heads trying to work out what it is! He's always been selfish and self-absorbed, gaslights for England and inflates his self-worth via grand stories, but a lot of this is new.

Mum and me are OK. She has her own issues, can't deal with (what I know now are) my ASD traits, but she's a good, loving person. She doesn't deserve how he now treats her.

Really sorry to hear about your mum. It's horrible, isn't it? The no end in sight bit. Sending you love.

And thanks for your kind words. I think I'll continue to stay away but maybe be honest with the rest of the family about why, even if they don't understand it.

OP posts:
Lexy70 · 23/08/2024 12:32

He sounds horrible and he scares you. He sounds like before his illness he was an abusive bully. His entitlement is off the scale. Don't let anyone scare and intimidate you. What does your mum do when he is bullying you, does she stand up for you?

He sounds like an entitled arse expecting you to sacrifice your life for him. Ignore your wider family, take on what tasks you want to do from a distance like phonecalls. Take your siblings etc moaning at you rather than the fear that is generated by him abusing you.

What positivity has he ever brought into your life? I think you are driven by fear, obligation and guilt.

Prioritise your own health and happiness. Easier said than done but you don't have to suffer at the hands of this bully now you are an adult woman with agency

Much love xxx

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 23/08/2024 12:26

Harvestfestivalknickers · 23/08/2024 12:20

As much a you hate it (and I would too in your position), I would go and visit him but I would busy myself with making sure he has water, check if he needs a news paper, pop down the corridor to get a coffee etc, etc just so I don't have to sit and listen to him ! I'd make it clear I couldn't stay long and as soon as he started shouting at me, I'd say ' right it's time for me to go, obviously you're upset'. And go.

This is what I have tried in the past, but he talks at you and won't let you get a word in, and if you try and interrupt (even with, I need the loo!) he gets very very angry and the abuse starts. If I say I have to leave, he starts shouting at me to get my priorities straight. If I say I have to go to work, he says I should be better at earning money so that I could look after him more. If I say I've been listening to you for 2 hours, he just says well you should bloody listen then (shouts the 'listen' bit) because then I wouldn't have to keep talking.

It's like torture. He's not interested in you as a person, he just wants to talk and talk and then maybe ramp it up and shout at you. There's no reasoning, no distraction, nothing that works. His record is talking 'at' my uncle for 4 hours straight, and even then he was fuming that my uncle had to leave.

(Sorry, that was a long reply!! I mean, I've tried everything and nothing works, he just wants to have me sit there and listen to him shout.)

OP posts:
Lexy70 · 23/08/2024 12:25

It does sound an odd presentation with strange behaviours rather than say confusion or psychosis.

Has he a history of this kind of behaviour or is it all new. Hopefully they will keep him in long enough to establish a diagnosis and treatment plan.

What is your relationship with your mum like?

I have a horrendous m enabled by my father. They are mid eighties and I see no end in sight.

Look after yourself, it sounds like your dad has already taken up an awful lot of your time and headspace. Why should you visit and be his whipping boy. Don't subject yourself to that.

He is safe and being cared for, give yourself a break from him xxxc

AnnaMagnani · 23/08/2024 12:21

If you do go, it doesn't have to be a long sit there all day visit.

It's fine to plan it as 'I am just dropping in quickly after work, need to get home to make the kids tea' or any other set up that works for you.

It is also fine not to visit at all if that is going to work better for you.

This isn't going to resolve quickly so you need to protect yourself.

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 23/08/2024 12:21

Thanks @Lexy70 . We're waiting for a formal diagnosis, no one seems to know, and the community mental health nurse who has assessed him so far (who is lovely) admits that he's a very complicated case. It's just staggering to see him go from being relatively OK to ... this over the past few years.

OP posts:
Harvestfestivalknickers · 23/08/2024 12:20

As much a you hate it (and I would too in your position), I would go and visit him but I would busy myself with making sure he has water, check if he needs a news paper, pop down the corridor to get a coffee etc, etc just so I don't have to sit and listen to him ! I'd make it clear I couldn't stay long and as soon as he started shouting at me, I'd say ' right it's time for me to go, obviously you're upset'. And go.

Lexy70 · 23/08/2024 12:16

Sorry just seen he is nearly 80 x

Lexy70 · 23/08/2024 12:16

Hi there,

Don't go, he is safe in hospital and it is out of your hands. Why subject yourself to more abuse. You've done plenty and taken plenty.

How old is your dad? What are they thinking is wrong with him for his behaviour to be so extreme.

Poor you. Please don't visit, you don't deserve to be abused x