Can't face visiting my dad

You don't have to tell your family that you have ASD, OP. Just tell them that you will not be visiting your F because he is abusive, and you have had enough - far too much in fact. That is all they need to know. You can break the toxic family dynamic by just saying that. You have nothing to lose by staying clear.

I haven't read all the posts.

Is this the time to lie and say you have COVID? or would that not work.

Also, have you seen anyone about how you deal with all of this. It's incredibly stressful and it sounds like you have been dealing with it brilliantly but sometimes I think it can help to speak to someone to help organise and understand how you deal with it all.

Good luck. I hope things settle down for you all.

You can't continue to advocate for him if you are exhausted and distressed. Do not go.

My dad is just as you've described yours and has had "funny turns" like this over the years and is as similar ages to your dad.

Myself and my children all have asd (diagnosed) I'm pretty sure my dad's undiagnosed and it's where it all stems from (the asd)

Apparently undiagnosed asd at a later age (because they didn't diagnose back then) can manifest itself into BPD in later life?

Border line personality disorder comes with an array of outbursts.
Believe me I know.

Sending love

People bully people because they can. No one bullies your dad because he's a cunt. Channel your dad and people will back off.

Do you know if they are medicating him while he is there? He might be calmer if they are. Having said that, you don’t have to go and see him just because he wants you to.

I might do one of two things. Tell him I will go and see him for half an hour if he behaves himself but the moment he starts being abusive you will leave and then use one of the strategies above, busying yourself getting snacks or newspapers etc . Or I might make an arrangement to see him in two or three weeks time, again with provisos but also with the hope they are further along with diagnosing him and on the path to some kind of treatment.

Third option, just say no.

I agree with every word @larklane17 has just said.

Look after yourself OP and definitely do not subject yourself to any more of your father's abuse.

Oh you poor darling, I'm really sorry. You've already stepped up and organised everything you could. It's like a veil has been lifted now and everyone else can see him for what he has always been.

If you don't want to see him then that's perfectly ok. He's an abusive father and he isn't going to suddenly be any different. The staff can see what he is like.

You decide what is best for you and don't be guilt tripped by other members of your family. You've been a really supportive daughter to your parents, it's ok to decide when you have had enough of his rants. He's safe and being cared for. Here if you need to talk some more.

I don't think you should go, as he sounds totally selfish.

Now I'm older I don't let people put me under pressure to do anything I don't want to do. It might be a bit awkward for you, but that will pass once you lay down the ground rules and stick to them.

So very much all of this.
hugs

Oh, sod that for a game of soldiers.

Don't go. Ignore anybody who tries to guilt you into going. Enjoy the peace.

Don't go. I wouldn't, and if staff contact you, tell them he's abusive to you and you won't be visiting.

I wouldn't go.

My dad often ends up in hospital because the only person he cares about is himself. I used to do the rushing 2 hours there to see him and then 2 hours back for half an hour to sit in a room where he was more interested in watching TV than talking to you. I stopped doing it. He lies about how ill he is, (he's not) he just likes the attention. He's 84 and the only time he ever speaks to me is if he's in hospital and he's bored or if there is something wrong with his phone, or kindle or tablet. If I phone mum and dad at home he says hello and passes the phone on to my mum. Everyone thinks the sun shines out of his arse, but he's a dick and I don't visit any more.

You absolutely need to protect yourself. There is no clinical reason by the sound of it for your dad to be that way, he's just been awful and as an adult you do not have to put up with it. Look after yourself first and let all those beating you, step up and do their bit.

Don’t go. And it also doesn’t sound to me as though there is anything ‘over-emotional’ in your response to this, but that you are the only one in your family who is able to recognise and acknowledge the true horror of the situation with your father (now and in the past). You’ve done more than enough. You don’t need to go, and he won’t appreciate it anyway / it won’t be ‘enough’ for him - because you can’t fix this or fix him.

This sounds so hard & I really feel for you.

I would not go. Which family members are guilt tripping you? Why are they doing that? Perhaps they have listened to him rant and want someone else to suffer, perhaps they don't know him as well as you do. Who knows. But you owe them nothing.
If you feel you have to go, get up and leave as soon as he starts on you. Do it every time. I had to do that to my mum when she would start to criticise me. It eventually worked

I've been in a similar situation for the last year or so. I ended up repeatedly walking out on Dad when he started at me. Just pick myself up and walk out of the door. Left him to contact me when he was ready. The longest time was 4 weeks!
I told him I was helping all I could and if he was SO insistent that I wasn't doing enough (he wanted me to immediately give up work to be his and mum's carer!) then he'd find out the hard way about the amount I was doing.
It came to a head on Mum's birthday last year, when we went round to surprise them with dinner out etc and he just verbally laid into me. My son and I walked straight out, my husband stayed behind to give him a few home truths.

I had to just stop, it was destroying me. It made me ill, it made my husband ill worrying about me. My 15yr old son should not have seen that.

Mum and Dad are now together in a beautiful care home, he still rants that i'm not doing enough. But at least I can walk out and know he's safe.
And Mum's safe.

Even if you do go, there is nothing to stop you just getting up and leaving when he starts on you. You don't have to say anything or try to convince him to let you leave, you can stand up, get your bag and walk away.

I know that easy for me to say, and maybe harder to do, but can you practice it in your head? Visualise yourself just leaving? That kind of thing can be helpful, if you know what it looks like in your mind. Then it's not a shock response, it's a planned safety move to take you away from what is a distressing situation.

But you don't have to go. You really don't.

Your other family can be dealt with by saying 'I am supporting mum and dad by doing [the things you're doing]. You can support them by visiting or by taking on some of the things I've been doing. Your choice.'

There's only you can balance up the guilt of not seeing him versus the fear of going. You need to do what's best for you, whichever that is.

If you do decide to go, you can get up and walk out at any point. If he's screaming after you, well that's something the staff can add to their record of behaviour. You absolutely do not have to provide an audience for his monologue. I'd probably go to stop the family nagging me but it would be a token visit and as others have already suggested, I'd have my exit planned.

@Borntorunfast I’m sorry that you’re in such a difficult position.

please don’t feel guilty about looking after yourself first and foremost, any decent parent would want that for their child, even an adult one. The fact that your df is so absorbed in his own needs kind of proves that you owe him nothing.

Dementia might have been ruled out, at least for now but I don’t think they can rule out early stages entirely, but he’s clearly had a change mentally to be uninhibited and acting the way he is. I’m presuming the hospital ruled out physical illnesses like infections? Even then you don’t have to sacrifice your own state of mind for him. Let people say what they want (and be prepared that they will, people love passing a judgement they don’t have to bare the consequences of) - I’m telling you it’s absolutely fine for you to step back. You don’t possess whatever it might be that he needs.

Do not visit this man.

He doesn't sound like any sort of dad to me, it's just a title and it means nothing if he didn't actually do the job.

Keep you peace and offer the help you can and are willing to give on your terms, everyone else can fuck off.

If someone made your child feel the way you do talking to him you’d probably throw them out of the house.

I wouldn’t go but tell the medical staff you can’t put up his abuse any more because it’s making you ill.

I wouldn’t go. Fuck that. He was a shit dad, he makes you scared, he shouts at you. Just nope, you have already done enough.