Can't face visiting my dad

How's your dad my love he popped into my head today randomly sad😢

Maybe it would be helpful to be clear in your own mind as to what you think would do you the greater injury; feeling guilty for not visiting or being so full of fear and resentment it's making you ill. From an outsider's point of view, the latter is doing you no favours. Your dread at the thought of seeing your father practically breaks through the screen and is probably threatening your mental and possibly physical health. On top of that, you rightly worry that it will make you less functional in the areas where your strengths lie; the advocacy, paperwork and admin side of having a family member hospitalised. It's hard to see how anyone would benefit from your exposure to your father's horrible rants, and that includes your father. If he's to benefit from your help, it may be that it's imperative for you to keep away. Remember that there's no iron law preventing you from changing your mind if your father becomes more amenable and you feel able to cope. However, what matters most is that you don't forget to look after yourself alongside caring for and advocating for others.

No I wouldn’t visit for a while. End of

I'm reading your thread, OP, and with you in spirit - and with everyone else on here who's in (or has been in) our very unenviable club

I agree with this OP. I've been through seven years of caring, for a wonderful dad, and it's trying enough without being verbally abused. There was a man like this on my dads Ward and I remember his son asking whether he could be sedated and they weren't looking into it but like you I don't think he had a diagnosis quite at that time.
You've been through enough. You are enough. Explain to the family that visiting with his extreme behaviour affects your mental health/affects the input you've been giving in other areas of care. and my advice would be don't visit unless he is suitably diagnosed and medicated.

We had the very same situation with a relative of mine. They queried dementia, but it was just the way his personality went, very controlling. His antics eventually meant that he was forced into a home.

I wouldn't go, my dad has mental illness, bi-polar (and probably some other things he hasn't shared) all my life. Even when he is on his meds and completely stable he isn't a nice person and has been awful to me at times, both within and outside of an episode. So I don't see him any more, and I'm much happier for it. Mental illness isn't an excuse to be horrible to other people all the time.

Firstly, you don’t owe him a thing. You might decide to direct your energies towards supporting your mum as best you can (if that’s what you want to do).

Secondly; I suspect there are a lot of people of your dad’s age out there with what would now be called a personality disorder, but they’ve never encountered mental health services because they cover well and, sadly, it’s their family who suffers most from their behaviour. When age and a degree of physical/cognitive decline set in, then the wheels come off and they can’t maintain the plausible persona anymore. It doesn’t sound like a radical personality change with your dad, more an exaggeration of how he’s always been. I hope the psychiatry team might shed some light on this issue for you; it can be surprisingly liberating to be told clearly that the person’s behaviour can’t be changed by you and wasn’t your fault (even though you know it cognitively). I suspect you wouldn’t be debating whether to visit if you felt nothing for him.

Thirdly, if you can access it, please do consider some counselling or therapy for yourself. There’s a lot of painful history in your posts.

This absolutely, why should you be scared out of your wits by frankly an old, nasty bully. He’s done enough damage,
Free yourself from this git of an old man, he sounds like he’s been a shit father anyway, so nothing to loose.

I would agree not to be guilt trapped into visiting. But it might be worth making sure that the hospital ward team and psychs are fully aware of the safeguarding concerns re your mum, and that he is consistently abusive to you also, so no one has any expectations that you can provide care post discharge - you may well have done this already, just thought I’d mention

Don't go. What is the point? Does shouting at you make him any better? I doubt it.

You could say to your family "I am not going to see Dad just to get abused - and he always abuses me."

And leave it at that. Broken record
"But..."
"No, I am not going to see him. Why should I go just to get shouted at? Im not doing that."

End of.

Tell him before you go or as you walk in if he starts ranting at you then you are leaving. You don't have to take bad behaviour from anyone, you really don't.
I had my last conversation 12 years ago with my dad and stepmother where I said if they can't be civil then I'll no longer engage with them. They went mental, I haven't seen them since.
You deserve to feel happy and safe, don't give that up for someone who wasn't even a good dad to you.
Tell anyone who has something to say about it that he's had a lifetime of chances. Block them if that's not good enough for them.

If the guilt of not going is hurting you then go, set the timer on your phone as you walk in, when the timer goes off then leave. In the bad old days hospital visiting was 30 minutes, no one came to any harm from it. Allow maybe 20 minutes then leave, if he starts being horrible after 10 minutes, leave. Dont explain why just get up and go, dont be drawn into any debate. You will have done your best and no one can ask more than that

If it makes life easier for you for the rest of the family to think you've visited him, then go to the hospital to talk to the nurses. Report back to the family on what they said.

They won't know that you didn't actually see him, and if they ask your dad, well he's hardly a reliable witness at the moment. You could even say that he was asleep or the nurses said he wasn't in a state to be visited. They're putting unreasonable pressure on you, so I'd not feel bad about lying.

Just one question Op- if you became like your DF in later years would you expect your DC to put up with it?

I suspect my dad has ADHD, now that I can sit back and look at things differently. My brother has ADHD and bipolar too. He's not in the picture for taking over the slack of looking after them, sadly.
I believe i'm on the ASD spectrum along with my son, (but we're not pursuing diagnosis at the mo.) I dont' think my ASD makes me more or less sensitive to this, I think my dad is just a difficult man with an attitude problem!

As a fellow neurodivergent (AuDHD) with difficult ageing parents, I just want you to know this is NOT anything about being autistic, your decision making process, or sensitivity. You don't want to be bullied, hectored and shouted at. That is absolutely human and understandable, and nobody should have to put up with that. I'm very similar to you, I'm the calm, practical one who deals with the advocacy, services, plans, etc. You're juggling enough already. If a visit will only be upsetting and stressful, for everyone by the sounds of it, you absolutely do not need to go.

My late grandmother was mean and nasty to everyone, I remember her calling me ugly and a little weirdo as a kid and when we had family gatherings if I was sat near her she made me switch places with the cousins she liked better. I didn't go visit her after I left home ever. She asked me once at a family party why she hadn't seen me since I left home and I told her, if you are mean to people they won't want to have a relationship with you, that's the consequences of being unpleasant to the people around you. I helped my mum with practical things when my grandmother became old and infirm, but no way was I going to sit around and fake concern or sadness at her bedside.

While older, sick people should be cared for medically and physically, if they were nasty and abusive to their families they have zero right to expect emotional support and comfort from them when they get old and sick. Your da made his choices a long while ago, and these are the consequences.

The best of luck with it all. This shit is hard.

I have the same dad. He’s horrific, always has been. Don’t go and don’t feel guilty. You get one life and it’s not worth the bullying and abuse.

my kids are autistic and I'd tell them to absolutely not go if they were anxious about it. Autism comes with a very specific type of anxiety that it is hard to recover from, and you don't deserve that trauma
Hopefully they'll figure out what his issues are and get him started on some treatment which may make things easier in future.
(I say this with the experience of protecting my own children from an alcoholic dad who was very nasty in his last years)

My late FiL was exactly like this too OP. We took a hard line that any shouting or abuse meant an instant departure from his presence. We also cut back visits to every few months. We did all the life admin too which was how we continued to contribute. Previous posters are absolutely correct. You wouldn’t spend any time with someone who was not your relative who behaved like he does and who is damaging your mental and emotional health - and you would very much not allow your own children to be subjected to it even for a single minute.

I'm glad you are finding support here. Sometimes talking anonymously can help think things through.

If you feel that everything is getting too much, take a step back and concentrate on yourself. Your DH seems concerned so listen to his good advice too.

Don't burn yourself out or make yourself unwell, you've done lots already. We are all here listening and sending a hug your way.

So glad you are getting lovely and support on this thread.

Stay strong

Love and solidarity

Xxxx

Can they definitely rule out dementia? According to this NHS site

"Even if a brain scan does not show any obvious changes, this does not mean someone does not have dementia"

www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/tests/#:~:text=Even%20if%20a%20brain%20scan,someone%20does%20not%20have%20dementia.

You don't have to visit him just because he's your father. You owe it to yourself to look after you too, you are worth it. Having a toxic parent is hard but it is not your fault.