Advice: gentle encouragement to stop driving not worked

@Prenelope the DVLA have a standard procedure of letting the person know and asking for permission to contact their GP.

The letter makes it clear you can't say no and then expect the DVLA to give up.

0ld people seem pathologically wired not to consider using taxis imo. When “old people” were growing up, taxis were not the commonplace mode of transport that they are today. Partly the expense, partly perhaps because it’s that much more complicated to order one if you don’t have a mobile.

OK, not sure the DVLA will listen otherwise anyone could act in bad faith. Gp might though. The police will refer you to her gp.

I'm getting to the same point with my own mum, she is 80 and definitely has some deterioration in her driving, she now only drives to the local Tesco. Won't drive in the dark. But the last few times I've been in the car it's like she's oblivious to what is happening around her, she's driving half into the other lane, terrible going around roundabouts, slow pulling out of junctions, etc. But if she has you in the car as a captive audience she is so busy yakking that I'm not sure whether the lack of focus is due to that or genuine loss of ability.

My fil was always going to stop driving, when he hit 80, then 85 then MiL was diagnosed with dementia so it was I need to drive to take her to the hospital. It wasn't until MiL wouldn't leave the garden that he gave up, mostly. We got him set up with Tesco delivery, which we'd do for him, but he'd always say he didn't need anything. He'd dash into town whilst MiL' s carer was there

If we suggested going to see them it was always MiL isn't too good today and doesn't want visitors.

Luckily he never had an accident but I think it was luck more than anything

We convinced my FiL to stop driving using finance. We added up all the costs associated with owning a car, versus what a taxi would cost to take him to SiL's once a week, Sainsbury's twice a week.
He saw the benefit of not owning a car, especially when he got cash for selling it.

@NettieHead
Maybe you could organise an older driver assessment

www.olderdrivers.org.uk/driver-assessment/find-a-driver-assessment/#:~:text=This%20type%20of%20driving%20assessment,taking%20further%20training%20if%20necessary.

This is the good and responsible thing to do. Thank you for doing it and keeping other road users safe.

Write to the GP, contact DVLA and call her local police station.

What are you going to do then?

I’d love for it to be none of my business.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that in real life.

Of course I'm not in denial 😄 if a gp has told them don't drive then don't drive. Otherwise its none of your business.

My step father passed the test although he had dementia. He had a particularly good day. What stopped him was another motorist pulling him over and telling him straight he shouldn’t be driving.

My mum stopped aged 88 after 2 accidents - 6 months apart. The ambulance man talked to her about his own mum who had recently stopped driving and she realised that she could not go on.

I think someone, health professional, police or whatever needs to speak to them, family views are disregarded.

My mum was adamant she wouldn’t use taxis after a rude driver years ago but now she has a great relationship with a local firm and gets on well with the drivers. She had previously said she would commit suicide if she had to give up driving.

My friend who is 92 drove me into town last week.

So?

You think everyone at that age is fit to drive? Of course not! Blimey. Talk about denial.....

<sigh> of course worrying doesn’t make me feel like I’m ’doing something’.

The events around her driving are escalating and she won’t stop. She’s had be driven home by a passerby (a nurse who told her she shouldn’t be driving) and her car brought back by someone else because she wasn’t capable of driving home.

Reporting anonymously to the police is probably the best option.

Well if worrying makes you feel as though you are doing something then crack on. I guess you could dob her into the police if she's been expressly told not to drive in writing.

This happened with my parent and we booked her an assessment with a driving instructor so they could independently assess their driving. We were there for the feedback after.

Fortunately a hike in insurance and other costs meant they gave up,soon after.
0ld people seem pathologically wired not to consider using taxis imo.

You mean stop worrying about the fact that she’s unsafe, seriously debilitated and a liability on the roads? She’s had several near misses. I don’t want a death or injury that’s she’s caused on my conscience (and it would be).

I suspect as with a PP both the GP and the consultant think that the other is doing something about it. My DM hides the letters and lies about them to us.

From my experience the best way is to make them think it's all their own idea to give up driving. My friend is in his 80's, kept maintaining that he could still drive perfectly well (despite also moaning to me about his near blindness, inability to balance or judge distance or move quickly). I kept asking him about how he was managing to park (it seemed the most neutral point) when he couldn't judge distance. After a while it did seem to occur to him that, yes, parking was getting tricky and he managed to convince himself that the decreasing size of local parking spots meant that he ought to stop driving.

The self-delusion was very strong, but EVERYONE was telling him he wasn't fit to drive and I think he just didn't want to back down and say 'yes, you're right'. By blaming local businesses for wanting to capitalise on parking revenue by making the spaces too small to get his (stupidly oversize) car into, he could rationalise that it wasn't his fault.

Stop worrying about it? Her consultant has written to the gp, she doesn't want to stop driving, there's nothing more you can do.

I told the police about my neighbour. Car had no tax, no MOT and he shouldn't have been driving, having hit someone else's car and not even noticed

He managed to make it out it was all my fault and I was picking on him and I got a bollocking off the police for "bullying an old man" (try the other way round)

Driving may be a privilege and not a right, but in most of the country it’s also a prerequisite for taking an active part in society. Yet the majority of voters, who-are drivers, care not a jot about this, nor do they give any thought about their future selves

The thing is it doesn't depend solely on age. There are very many drivers older than 75 who are still good careful drivers and safer than the 18 year old boy racers in their souped up cars. Decline and being unsafe to drive is very individual.
My mother is 86 and shows no sign of any cognitive or physical decline. She has been driving for almost 70 years and continues to do so, although has decided she no longer wants to drive to places further than 4 hours away. All her similar aged friends still drive, they are all widows but did regularly drive prior to being widowed, so want to retain their independence, one of them even still drives to the south of France with no issues.
However they are aware that the time will come when doctors or their children will say the time has come to stop, and they're ok with that, until then they continue with their families' blessing.

We have the same issue, there’s no way DM should be driving, at 92 she has very limited mobility in her knees and spinal degeneration and could not do an emergency stop. Her consultant has written to the GP saying he was worried about her driving (we are not supposed to know this).

We’ve tried pointing out that the costs of running the car would easily cover taxis, but she’s not having that. She is financially comfortable so says she will pay whatever it takes.

We’ve tried saying that we’re worried that she has an accident that might not be her fault and ends up incapacitated and unable to live independently. That made no difference.

Stumped now as to what to do - either inform local police of our concerns or the DVLA?

It's very difficult. Had to stop my mum driving due to medical reasons. GPs don't always inform dvla as they often think the consultant has made the necessary referral and vice versa. Sister and I very much demonised for being up front and truthful that we wouldn't let our kids in her car with her so why should kids/people we don't know be put at risk because mum is driving. Lots of fear reloss of independence and it did happen so I get why lots of people are saying older drivers are fine. It is such a huge change to their lifestyle that they don't want to admit, even if they are well, their response times aren't good enough for driving.