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Elderly parents
Original poster

What’s actually the worst that can happen if I don’t sign the LPOA? (Rambly/ranty, sorry)

38 replies

SockFluffInTheBath · 14/08/2024 22:42

I will preface this with I do know the point of the LPOA. PILs have one (Alzheimer’s and frailty).

My mum wants me to sign hers. She’s a selfish and manipulative article, made me feel like an unworthy inconvenience, loves to take the shine off anything good. I want to tell her no. I’ve actually flipped my lid at her by message this evening and blocked her because I just can’t take anymore at the moment. Over something that people with normal parents would think was irrational and disproportionate. I am stressed by everything in my life (not competing with anyone here) and I just need her to go away. Far away. She’s written in the LPOA that she wants to go in a home near me, and that she wants her laundry going external to the home. I don’t want to visit her and do her washing I really just need her to go away.

She’s mid 70s active and reasonably healthy. I know she won’t be forever. When social services or a doctor calls, why can I not just say no? Why do I have to be locked into her as well as all the other monkeys in my circus? FFS I just want to cry and scream.

OP posts:
KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 15/08/2024 08:44

I would do it knowing that it would buy me some space. When the time comes you can ignore it. You don’t have to do anything. As long as you don’t do anything ‘wrong’ you are ok. ‘Nothing’ is fine.

It gives you control over situations that are really difficult without it. The only issue would be whether there were arguments with the cousins, but you would still have the right to do nothing.

Original poster
SockFluffInTheBath · 15/08/2024 08:44

BlueLegume · 15/08/2024 08:35

I am learning to live with any guilt ( although it is minimal as I am exhausted) rather than dealing with increasing resentment which I find overwhelming

It’s awful. The good thing about PILs being there first is that I see how much is involved and I just don’t want to do that with her. Bad daughter indeed.

OP posts:
eeyoredebbie · 15/08/2024 08:41

A care home does not require a relative to have both types of POA. I just have financial for my dad, he has DOLs too and I am Cheif contact / next of kin

Original poster
SockFluffInTheBath · 15/08/2024 08:41

Sorry, to answer questions it’s for health and finance, and is the gov.uk one. She’s added 2 of my cousins (retirement age, live ~300 miles away), I don’t have siblings on her side.

OP posts:
Original poster
SockFluffInTheBath · 15/08/2024 08:38

Thank you so much ladies. I was at bursting point with anger last night and fully expected to be told to grow up. Lots to think about but not signing doesn’t seem to be as disastrous as I feared. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 15/08/2024 08:36

You do not have to do it.

The worst that will happen is that she will have to live with the consequences of her own decisions.

TizerorFizz · 15/08/2024 08:35

The worst that can happen is that you feel a bit mean - for a minute.

BlueLegume · 15/08/2024 08:35

I am learning to live with any guilt ( although it is minimal as I am exhausted) rather than dealing with increasing resentment which I find overwhelming

TizerorFizz · 15/08/2024 08:34

Is this health and welfare POA? I’d say I could not do it. There’s also the finance one. Has she got one of those in place? A home requires both? Do you have a sibling? Who has drawn up the POA? You should have had some involvement when there’s big issues at stake. The POAs we have are not a list of demands. They are just giving our DD permission to make decisions for us. If you cannot talk to her about her demands, do not accept being her Attorney. It would be wholly wrong.

velvetcoat · 15/08/2024 08:26
  1. You dont have to agree to LPOA. In fact, its best you dont if you arent fully on board as it involves a lot of work
  2. You dont have to do her laundry- you can say no. Thats a ridiculous and impractical expectation for you to do it.
  3. You dont have to even have contact with her if you dont want to

You have full permission to do all of the above and there is no debate about that- this is your life and you get to decide.
Now, whether you can emotionally adjust to the above is another matter but you shouldn't do any of it out of guilt, it should be done because you want to do it and its perfectly ok to say no x

AudiobookListener · 15/08/2024 08:22

If you don't want LPOA then you don't have to do it. Then when social services or a doctor calls, you absolutely can say no. You'll have to accept that others may end up making decisions about your mother. But you aren't obliged to go along with those decisions. Alternatively, if you have LPOA then YOU get to decide where your mother lives and who does her washing, but you will be obliged to arrange it.

Knotaknitter · 15/08/2024 07:54

She can want to be in a home near you but that doesn't mean you have to visit, she can want her laundry done externally but you don't have to be the one doing it. If there isn't a local laundry that does a service wash then that's too bad. She may think she's tying you to her service but really she isn't. You may tie yourself with guilt but that's within your control.

On the positive side, at least she's not assuming you'll move in and look after her.

BlueLegume · 15/08/2024 07:34

@SockFluffInTheBath sympathies and hugs. My parents made a huge song and dance about getting LPAs sorted some years ago….but proceeded to do nothing but left it to me. I foolishly went along with it doing all the admin getting signatures etc. I was incredibly reluctant to be involved as they are incredibly difficult people. I was incredibly stupid believing they wanted them for the right reasons. Roll forward several years and any decisions we have made for our father, who began lacking capacity a couple of years back our mother has railed against. Even when a DoLs was put in place and we had no option but to find nursing care she refused to accept it was something we had to do. I’m currently pondering removing myself from the LPA - frankly it feels pointless having one even though sensible head on I appreciate it is needed. It is interesting she has specifically put her requests in writing…can you challenge her about them? Also you do not have to sign the LPA BUT if she does go in a home they will likely ask if you have one. Any siblings or relatives who might be willing to be on the LPA with you?