What’s actually the worst that can happen if I don’t sign the LPOA? (Rambly/ranty, sorry)

Good for you, now block again, if it goes bang you don't need to know.

You are an adult and don't live in North Korea. You do not need sign anything and do not need to do anything.

You do not have to do it.
Even if you sign the forms you can resign at any time.
Using LPOA to state where your laundry should be done is all kinds of bonkers and not going to be enforceable.

@SockFluffInTheBath You absolutely don't have to accept the responsibility. Don't sign. Don't activate it.

But bear in mind, if she is showing signs of dementia, that it may make sense to have it. You then don't need to facilitate her crazy demands as you are the one who makes the decisions on her behalf. If you decide the best home for her happens to be 200 miles from you, that's the place she'll go.

I have responsibility for my mother and tbh it's not a huge amount of work, but there is the mental load.

Meanwhile, she can ask to move to a care home near you. You can get a job in Australia the following week. She can't control your life with PoA or without it.

Just say no - return unsigned. It's a lot to ask, especially if you don't get on. They can find someone else to do it.

I've just turned down a relative who asked me to be POA but lives 5 hrs round trip away. I work full time, DH is v unwell, 3DC. I don't have any spare time to care for another adult right now.

I found that even when we didnt have LPA for health I was called as parent told them to. The Doctors, health professionals etc will cling onto anyone they can find to enable them to pass the decision making on. I already had Health LPA during my Father's last days and I asked the hospital whether they wanted to see it as I knew what he wanted but they dismissed it. I guess what was going to happen would happen.

The system is very scrappy tbh. The Health LPA is only when someone lacks capacity so its limited.

Basically I found if the parent was calling for you with or without an LPA the professionals would contact you. They assumed that the elderly person was giving permission. Thing is they dont know whether you have refused to be the attorney for other reasons and its very very difficult if the Doctors are asking you to attend hospital to put the phone down.

Health POA is for when the donor loses capacity. My DM didn’t but obviously dementia patients might. You don’t need to do anything if donor retains capacity, however discussion with a loved one is always best.

Finance POA. You do the work if you have accepted it. It’s not a solicitor unless they are the POA. Expensive!

My DM’s lawyer had her financial POA, and the care home passed all bills to the lawyer. This included chiropodists, dentist, etc, and paying carers to accompany her to clinics.

I had welfare POA, but mum hadn’t explained to me just how far-reaching it was. (hospital treatment, phone calls from doctors, DNR, etc). Mum retained capacity and was able to discuss with her care team and decide dnr and end-of-life care herself.

I’ve just read your update, OP. I hope you don’t need that hard hat too much. I was lucky in that we had a good relationship and mum clearly knew that I would be overwhelmed no matter how well we got on.

With internet banking anyone can be an attorney. In theory, yes. but a lot of initial faff as you change all those branch-based BS accounts into internet ones

Depends. DFs nursing home needed Finance fo payment - presumably because they need to know I was allowed to hand over DF's savings. An emergency doctor at 2am was being sniffy that they didn't have his Health PoA and wasn't happy about accepting me a nok, he wanted assurance that I was also Attorney. But given that he mistook DF's Letter of Wishes for a PoA, I think he wasn't sure what he was talking about, he just felt he ought to ask for it, he didn't know whether he needed it. (We didn't hit it off).

@TizerorFizz they did ask me whether he had a health LPA but he was past capacity by then, fortunately they didn’t insist and they still consult me on health matters (ring me every time he eats something not gluten free when he’s a coeliac 🙄)

@eeyoredebbie My DMs home did want health and welfare one. DM died before OPG got round to dealing with it! Finance definitely vital.

@SockFluffInTheBath With internet banking anyone can be an attorney. Not that it matters but one person makes life so much easier.More than one is hard to manage. That said “easy” is not what it is. Dodge the bullet and don the hard hat. If others will do it, let them. Forget about laundry. If she had been to a solicitor, this would have been excluded I would have thought.

Just say no, you don't want the responsibility. She or the cousins, if they want to be attorneys , can arrange where she lives and the laundry service if she does move into a home, she'll have to pay for that. Don't get involved.

If you sign then make sure the options are jointly or severally with the cousins, not just jointly. Trying to get everything agreed together is a real pain and if one of you will not or cannot continue to be an attorney then the whole thing is then invalid.

You can choose to sign or not. Or you can sign it but remove yourself later on.

I have POA for four people (two activated, the other two may never be needed). One I haven't seen the person for ages due to Covid, then distance and family/work commitments, but I know their wishes re care and end of life, and bank accounts/payments to home can be done online. Other people who live closer do the visiting. Sometimes it's a bit of a pain if you have to go to a bank branch.

They can express the wish to be in a home near you, but that doesn't mean you have to visit. If they don't want their laundry done in the CH then either the CH organises someone else to do it which they bill (I know someone who worked in one who did this as an extra for residents with "nice" wool or otherwise special garments) or a local launderette could do a service wash with collection/delivery.

What a great thread and advice from everyone. I was LPA for both parents and the financial one was most useful once the various banks got it in their system. Both parents trusted me and let me get on with it.

Its not a dicate from some callous parent who thinks they can control you to doing what they want. Washing indeed and how self absorbed to demand they are in a care home near you where presumably they can shout out further demands and tell the care home to call you at every opportunity because 'you are just around the corner'!

LPA can be time consuming and stressful in my experience.
stay firm OP! You don’t have to do this.

but also, if you do choose to sign the poa, to keep the peace, you can remove yourself at any point. You just need to write to the office of public guardian to revoke your poa.

It's difficult enough dealing with elderly, failing parents when they have been nothing but loving, supportive and generous all your life. Even then the resentment over the personal cost is quite enough.

in your circs I think you are well entitled to tell her to sort her own self out and have nothing to do with it all. Good luck, I know that's easier said than done although if you start out by saying No then the professionals will soon realise there's no family to clear up the crises and not to bother calling.

An LPA is a great thing in the right circumstances, because it allows willing relatives to support a vulnerable person to manage their finances and to have input into decisions about their care.

In the wrong circumstances, the LPA can be a nightmare. It's important that a person who takes on the responsibility of being an attorney has the time and headspace to make decisions in the best interests of the vulnerable person. Abusive or coercive relationships can make it difficult to do that.

If a person doesn't have an LPA in place , then the social workers and medical professionals will make decisions in their best interests if needed.

@eeyoredebbie sorry should have clarified they wanted the reference at the home for the LPA. Think I gave them both but they probably only needed one.