🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

@SockFluffInTheBath yes, you and @ArabellaFishwife certainly summed that up well.

DF certainly thinks things happen by daughter magic. My wonderful sister was making many treks on public transport to visit DF in sheltered accommodation and doing a lot of ‘caring between the carers’ and DF had no what idea it involved in terms of time and effort just to get there and be greeted with his demands and moans.

he no longer has the mental agility to see all the other steps involved

i think this is the root of a lot bad daughters’ issues. That and being stuck in how things were 50 years ago. Please look after yourself @ArabellaFishwife

@ArabellaFishwife please step back. The self entitlement is off the scale. I am sure you may feel obliged but we all need to take care of each other on here and encourage each other not to get sucked in.

I hope you're saying no, Arabella.

@Strikingthebalance Oh my fuck yes.

Not for personal caring, but driving. FIL thinks it's perfectly reasonable to ask me to go over to drive him while he's off the road. Possibly permanently. His car will be at his house. All I have to do is a quick 20 minute walk into town, catch a bus, travel 9 slow rural miles, walk to his house, get into his car which will kindly be insured so that I can legally get behind the wheel, take him wherever he wants to go, which is 'only' going to be an hour or so out of my day, because he no longer has the mental agility to see all the other steps involved, take him home, see him safely up all the ridiculous steps to the front door and make him a quick cuppa and a sandwich, wait for the bus to go through the village, walk to the bus stop, 9 slow rural miles back to where I live, 20 minute limp back home from the bus station.
The reason I'm available for this is that I'm long term sick and can't work. Frankly I'd be overdoing it even if his car was permanently stationed on my own drive. If I wanted to give up any prospect of doing other things, like maybe putting a wash on or cooking a meal, to be a voluntary driver, why, I could have done that years ago. But somehow I'm made to feel selfish and lazy for considering my own needs.

Anyone else feel they lose sight of what is normal and acceptable and what isn’t? I am
Being made to feel unreasonable because I have said I can’t do the 6am get up for caring every single day, but it’s not seen as an issue as it’s ’only an hour’ of my time and she’s not asking for much.

When I dared to mention that if it was carers coming on, it wouldn’t be a guaranteed 6am get up, I was met with tears and made to feel like the worst daughter in the world. (Carers are a complete no go from her!)

How awful that they don't talk to you. What the hell? My parents are in a home nearby and we can pop in as it suits, more frequently, for shorter visits. I hope this move works out for you all.

Hello all. Have spent 8 months on the 'waiting for someone to die' threads but have eventually noticed DM is still alive... hope the bad daughters sofa is as huge and squashy as I remember.

We've decided to move DM from the nursing home too far away to one really close. This may or may not be the right decision but she is stable right now and we do think more brief visits from us will be in her best interests. Also we are such a difficult family (apparently) that the nursing home don't talk to us any more. Hoping she will be OK at the new one, we like the manager a lot.

Fantastic news to hear of A level passes 👏

Loving the Harry Potter reference....that is exactly what we both need - the room of requirement!

@sickasapug lovely to hear some nice news - well done your DS!

I’m teetering on the edge of storage but DF would need a whole room of requirement and also has no money now - but if we empty the full house then he could have money again once he has sold the house - except he doesn’t have capacity to make measured forward thinking decisions. So I think we come full circle back to no storage!

Already booked the storage unit....can't wait to tell him he's paying!!!!

Thank you your kind words - I read back my post & now feel a bit mean! Of course, I love him but he does drive me up the wall.

We've actually done loads of donating both to charity & friends & family. On a positive note, I have broken the back of it - although where I am going to put 25 big boxes of books/ 100+ paintings/ prints & 10 boxes of pottery/ china I don't know

@MereDintofPandiculation, glad you are on the mend.
@SockFluffInTheBath well done to your DS! A good news day indeed.

I’ve had a lovely day today doing something for myself which may turn into what sounds like an amazing volunteering opportunity doing something I love so I’m feeling much happier.

Good day here (say it quietly in case the universe hears!). Seems FIL’s leg may be saved (infection threatening amputation), hoorah. Though that would have been the catalyst for them both going into a CH, it’s huge surgery and best avoided. Made a decision on my mum and getting some distance which feels like a weight off but also like there’s a storm in the distance. And in wrong generation news my son passed his a levels and will be off to his preferred uni. A good day.

Good luck @sickasapug I hope the move goes well.

Can I join in please? Love a gin but any alcohol will do at the moment.

Lost mum in March & have moved in with dad temporarily. I love my dad but mum used to do literally everything for him! I've essentially turned into his surrogate mum/ wife/ servant!!! Although he does regularly remind me, that mum did it differently (better).

Currently (& for the last 4 months) packing up their house, which they've lived in for 50 years. OMG so much stuff! To much of everything... furniture/ paperwork/ crockery/ books/ ornaments - every cupboard drawer, space is stuffed full of 'treasure'. Dad was a part time antiques dealer & is so reluctant to let anything go & doesn't seem to understand that Victorian brown furniture/ fancy china etc. is not saleable any more & certainly won't fit in my modest 3 bed cottage.

Hopefully things will be better when we move back to my house .... keep your fingers crossed for me xx

@MereDintofPandiculation hope you are feeling better soon. Interesting observation about viewing care from the other side. I suppose we assume when we are ‘helping’ our parents they should be appreciative but maybe we are quite annoying 🤣

Checking in. Pass me a gin and make it a big one. Cheers all.

I blew up at DH last night. He only interrupted my watching of the West Wing to ask if I wanted anything from the kitchen. I was just so tense and on edge from there being so many little things going wrong all the time that I have to sort out.

Luckily he is very understanding and went and got me tea and a biscuit.

I can’t even complain that DM is selfish or vile because she’s not, she’s very grateful but has just completely abdicated from any responsibility for anything. Added to the forgetfulness, it’s hard.

I’ve decided to keep a diary and log every little thing I do. Today it’s been getting DMs watch fixed, speaking to Audiology about her hearing aids, speaking to the surveyor about the damp in her house, doing her food shopping and finding her packets of Tena ladies that she’d lost somewhere in the house.

All small things but it adds up to about 3 hours just today.

Pours drinks for everyone on the new thread

BlueLegume your mum sounds just like my gran. Everyone had to dance to her tune. I got married abroad and had a reception at home for all our family and
friends.

My mum arranged and agreed to pay for a taxi for my gran to the reception and also one home. My gran said that she expected my mum to leave when gran was ready and go home with her. Mum explained that she couldn't do that,as mother of the bride she had to stay until the end of the evening. Gran then refused to attend,fully expecting everyone to fuss around her and agree to her demands.

I'd had enough of her shenanigans by then,and refused to do the expected begging and pleading to convince her to change her mind,and when she brought it up,saying stuff like she'd miss seeing me in my wedding dress ect ect,and crying,I just remarked that it was indeed a shame.

The best bit,was my mum overheard her talking to someone at the door,saying that her grand daughter was getting married. The caller said that was lovely and gran must be really looking forward to it. Gran told her "oh no,I've not been invited". The bare faced liar!
Mum and I did not give in to her,and told anyone who asked,why my gran wasn't there. I was the only one of her grand children ever to get married,but she'd rather cut her nose off to spite her face and miss it than not get her own way. That told me a lot about how she viewed us. The really sad thing about it was that my very disabled uncle lived with her,and she refused to let him attend without her. He loved a party,so he missed out as well. After this,I knew that nothing was more important to her than having her own way and being the centre of attention.