🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

@BestIsWest yay for the win!

@SockFluffInTheBath sympathies, I remember DB tackling similar. Should we have a cockroach award for the day’s most unnecessary task?

DF also has no concept of the time and seems to think he’s doing us a favour by filling our days. But conversely insists he will do he won’t the things that he wants control over, such as talking to charities that might take some of the clutter we have to remove from his house. DBIL suggested I give him deadlines and say, if you haven’t contacted x by y date then I will. Mulling this tactic over, as it feels provocative.

Sounds good @BestIsWest

We were woken this morning by the phone summoning us to fix the toilet blocked by the carers flushing gloves and kitchen roll. DMIL didn’t realise (Alzheimer’s) so it was a bit of a mess to say the least 😱

Yay! I have managed to secure spare hearing aids. The ones she lost have mysteriously reappeared after I’d paid for replacement NHS ones. So I’ve taken posession of the new ones and have them at home with me, ready for the next time she somehow breaks or loses both the pairs she already has. A small victory but mine, nonetheless.

@PermanentTemporary new home sounds good. I’m carefully storing up all the tips from here, it will inevitably happen here, I’m sure.

My DM does this. I phone every Sunday night at the same time for a chat, Dad always answers the phone. Somehow Mum always has “her programme” on so can’t come to the phone. Except in the summer when she’s still gardening (obsessed with the garden). I think she just doesn’t want to speak to me, we’ve never had the greatest relationship.

Mine was moaning that I didn't phone her enough so I started phoning on an additional week night. But that wasn't right either as a TV programme she liked was on then! She wanted me to ring earlier as she went to bed after that.

Any earlier would have been in the time I was commuting from work, having tea with infant school aged child and getting them to bed! I'd also offered multiple times to show her how to record said tv programme but no, it had to be watched when it was broadcast apparently and everything else revolves around it.

Went back to phoning once a week and being moaned at for it. Other week nights she simply couldn't grasp that if child had an activity that meant DH and I would eat later that meant I wasn't available to phone her either.

Also moaning that she doesn't get to talk to gc. So find a time when both people are available. Then moans that gc talks a lot!

I do think some things are a wartime
rationing mentality carrying on - extreme desire to make do and mend, or sell stuff that is worth very little and the amount of effort it would take to sell (think time taking photos, writing g listing, dealing with no shows and negotiations, maybe taking to post office) isn't worth it for someone with very little spare time (ie me). She was shocked at what a local eBay selling shop was charging (a % of any money made in return for listing, packaging and posting) and wanted me to do it for free as it's "not much work".

I think they are out of touch completely with the reality of modern life. DH said to my DDad tonight that he would come on Friday evening to cook his requested liver and onions with mash potato and sit with him for the evening. DDad was really resistant and not listening as he wanted it to be on Thursday evening. DH explained that I would be out at work until 8.30pm so he couldn't because he needs to sort out the kids and it would be too late afterwards. DDad still said 'oh well we discuss it tomorrow' when DH said outright that no he wouldn't be coming as it isn't convenient for him. DDad goes nowhere so it doesn't matter which day, but for us it does.

@ArabellaFishwife you know I think they do think they’re helping us to find ways to spend all that free time we have after commuting to our full time jobs, running our own house, and looking after our kids and pets. FIL makes lists for DH of all the terribly important nonsense that he thinks DH would like to do for him.

DH had to set some boundaries yesterday when FIL asked if he'd do him a 'quick favour' and transport some items he wants to sell. Without going into too much detail it would use up half of DH's day off for a likely net gain of less than £20.Conversation went like so:
'When am I going to do that, Dad?'
'On your day off.'
Funnily enough, DH wasn't up for that, having spent every weekday evening for months going over there to do various jobs and make sure he's okay. FIL was mystified. Maybe he thought DH would be grateful for something to fill his time.

@PermanentTemporary - kudos for getting the transition successfully to the nearer home that sounds so much better.

@NoBinturongsHereMate wishing you strength, glad he’s doing better.

DF has moved rooms in his nursing home, which he seems happier with (just not thankful for, as usual). I’m overwhelmed dealing with his millstone of a house so will now be cutting my visits right back despite being closest. Those boundaries are very important and putting my own oxygen mask on first.

She’s in a home in the town where she was living- she went into hospital after a fall, it was obvious she couldn’t go home, so she was moved to the nearest care home with space. And BIL is a lot closer than we are (though still not round the corner- an hour round trip).

@NeFretForth how did she come to be so far away? My mum's needs at the time of admission couldn't be met locally but that's changed now.

That sounds good, PermanentTemporary. We’re thinking we ought to move MIL nearer to us: at the moment it’s a four hour round trip to visit, and I’m sure it would be better all round if we could just pop in most days. And, frankly, the home she’s in at the moment is an all-singing all-dancing one with lots of facilities for people who still have capacity, but she’s well past that: she needs a comfortable bed and carers who pay attention.

That's excellent, PermanentTemporary. A good GP and relationship with the carers makes a huge difference.

Sorry nothing helpful to add @NoBinturongsHereMate hope he’s over the worst.
@PermanentTemporary that sounds really positive. Well done.

Well, Mum moved into her new nursing home on Thursday and absolutely none of the dire predictions from her previous home have happened - she doesn't seem agitated or particularly upset and she hasn't needed sedation. It feels amazing to be able to nip over and see her for half an hour and for the whole thing to take an hour at most. The new GP is a dream - Respect form done and dusted immediately, mostly the way we'd want it. It's a small home so it feels a lot easier to understand who's running things and we're already getting to know the carers. Maybe... we did the right thing for once.

I'll check about prevention teams, thanks. He's a bit stronger today and drinking (and eating jelly and custard), so that's one problem off the table for now.

Does the local area have a hospital admission prevention team that can help? We tried and failed to get my Aunt to accept help from her local team and they will do home visits. She can syringe in fluids or spoon feed them into his mouth if he is able to swallow.

Sorry no helpful suggestions. The situation seems very much a “betwixt rock and hard place”, hope your mum is coping ok.

Oh joy. StepPaBint (dementia, heart failure, cancer, for those without a dossier) has covid . MaBint wants to keep him at home if possible, because his last hospital stay sent his delerium through the roof.

But he's not able to sit up, stand up or drink, MaBint can't lift him, and every time she leaves the room he tries to get out of bed.

Anything I could send/organise that might be useful? I looked at jelly drops for the hydration side but they don't do express delivery.

Endurance vibes to all, particularly @Lightuptheroom and @notcopingwellwithDMdementia . Both sound impossibly difficult situations. The huge bottlenecks in referral systems are so frustrating. Best wishes to your dad Lightup. I'm trying to imagine what it would be like to be assaulted so regularly by your wife of so many years. I only moved in with dp when I was (secretly) able to imagine being his carer, but I'm not sure I could endure that. Best wishes for the respite. Maybe a warning; someone who was on my caseload got respite care and the safeguarding meeting was immediately cancelled as the risks were no longer present. If you can bear to make a big fuss to safeguarding as soon as the respite placement starts, do so.

Welcome @notcopingwellwithDMdementia , how frustrating about the appointment. I hear you about the driving to take her to the appointment. One time we walked into the clinic only for them to look at us and say - but clinic is cancelled today, we called you earlier. Mum remembered she had a call but didn’t process it at all. I’d done the whole rearrange work, 100 mile drive, wrangle her to the car etc etc. I changed the contact number after that to me not her.

Mums neighbour is having building work and the voices of the builders are obviously unsettling her as she keeps asking about the man on the roof. She’s in a detached house, no one on her roof. Her mother used to say exactly the same thing 25 years so at least I was semi prepared for it.

Now, of course, she has changed her mind and wants me to re book the B12 injection for her.

In other news, the memory assessment clinic called and they are booking her in for an MRI and an appointment for a memory assessment so at least I feel that we are getting somewhere with that.

Is ok to pull up a chair? I'll bring wine and gin to share!!

DM is awaiting a dementia assessment (she had one offered to her but thought it was physio so turned it down and so have had to get GP to re refer.)

She's supposed to have B12 injections every three months since a uti/delirium/hypokalemia related month long stay in hospital at the beginning of this year.

There is only me and I'm an hours drive away. She is self funding carers twice a day to support her with her medication.

She has decided today that she doesn't want her B12 injection tomorrow because of the GP missing shingles in her eye (which she has occasional outbreaks of) during Covid which meant she ended up under a consultant at the hospital for a couple of years & because she takes an iron tablet every day.

I tried to explain that B12 is not iron but she wasn't having any of it, so I cancelled the appointment.

Part of me feels I should have pushed her more to have it, but I'm tired of constantly explaining things to her and repeating the same answers to the same questions over and over and over again. And she has capacity, refuses to believe anything she doesn't want to so I just can't be bothered to have the battle with her.

I was supposed to be driving over to her tomorrow to take her for the injection so at least I've saved myself about 3 hours and some petrol.

I know you lovely lot will understand and won't judge me!! Thank you for listening and cheers 🥂