🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

What a delight, @SockFluffInTheBath , and how fortunate you are to be right next door to such an idyll. I can hear your internal scream from here.

It’s been one of those non-stop calls days. FIL has been taken off in an ambulance because the district nurse messed up his catheter. It’s a permanent fixture connected to a bag, short version is he’ll die without it. BIL is here but itching to run off, leaving MIL (Alzheimer’s) alone overnight. But it’s ok cos we’re next door so we can keep popping in. It needs to stop. FIL throws bags of urine out the window because he cba to go to the toilet to empty them. He poohs in the house and treads it into the carpet. MIL is miserable in there with him, they need to go into a home but DH is just drowning and can’t see the wood for the trees.

A physio would be a good investment for him if he wants to stay home (or stay mobile, wherever he is). My dad benefited enormously from one who was a Parkinsons specialist and did a combination of physio and Pilates.

It was falling regularly that precipitated my dad's move to a home. It's not sustainable. Once he's spent enough hours on the floor waiting for a carer to come, and then waiting again for paramedics, he may become more receptive to moving somewhere with instant on-site assistance.

He had a fall and injured his leg a few weeks ago due to Parkinson's, and, these things never being straightforward, has been housebound ever since. The leg got better but over the last week he's fallen pretty much every day/ night, and is too weak to get himself back up again. Whether this element is down to lack of muscle tone that could be regained, it's hard to say. He'd needed help to get back on his feet intermittently before the leg episode.
Other associated symptoms have left him feeling very debilitated, and when we're there he only shuffles a few steps here and there. I've seen him do more when we show up unexpectedly. He's been checked over by paramedics and his GP, and there's no infection there.

What do you think has happened @ArabellaFishwife, is he unwell/small stroke or is it just a progression?

He won't live anywhere else while he still has the ability to shuffle a few steps between bed/chair/toileting, I suspect. There's a degree of dementia there but he still has capacity. As he can fund himself I'm getting the vibe from SS that they want us to source carers rather than use theirs. Maybe I'm misreading it.

Good grief @ArabellaFishwife thank goodness he’s accepting the necessary without resistance, but equally it’s making it harder for you. Do you have a plan for escalating care or slipping him into living somewhere else?

Bloody hell. Crisis County round our way as FIL has slid way down in balance, speech and mobility over the course of a week. We've spent more time in his house than our own. One thing I will say for him is that he's suddenly discovered a hitherto absent adaptability which will allow him to accept anything that lets him stay in his own home: carers, cleaners, sleeping in the dining room, and shitting in a bucket. Anything but move somewhere actually suitable.
Commode's due soon, then we can dispose of the bucket.

@PanettonePudding the bank had a copy of the PoA where she is named as a Joint and Several attorney. DF wanted me to get my own cards etc so I could take over his online banking as he was struggling with it as he got older. The bank set all this up 18 months ago. She came over last weekend and without saying anything to either of us has got herself added. All she had to do was speak to DF as a courtesy.

But if she has POA she has this already? Or do you mean she has just logged it with the bank?

I think syphoning the money out sounds the simplest. Why not move money to an instant access savings account? Then if you get asked you can just say there was a better interest rate.

No idea @PanettonePudding other than her and her weasel DH having access to DF's funds.

What's the benefit for your sister in having this "authority" over and above having POA lodged with the bank?

I could do with some advice.

DF received a text and an email from his bank today saying that a request for authority had been granted. He didn't remember anything, so I called them. I have PoA and 18 months ago we went into the branch together with the stamped copy of the PoA for me to be officially added to his accounts. I now have my own cards with PoA after my name, so I can talk to the bank without him. DF still has capacity.

The lady said that a request had been made this week and when I asked if it was my sister, she confirmed it. I explained that my DF had not given her express permission and had certainly not been with her. The lady said that because she had the PoA and could prove her identity, they had to allow it. DF and I could revoke her permission in writing, but next time she came in, they were obliged to add her back. I asked if the fact that she lives abroad is an issue and they said it wasn't.

DD2 was with me whilst I was trying to control my anger about yet another dick-move from S (probably egged on by her odious DH). She is just brilliant and did a good job.

I think we have 3 choices: 1 is to do nothing, but monitor the accounts really closely. However, S has got away with it - she has form for things like this.. Option 2 is to open new accounts in another institution and simply not inform her. Keep the original ones open so she doesn't realise and gradually syphon money out. She would cotton on eventually. Option 3 (my favoured one) is for DF to revoke his PoA completely and take out a new one naming me & my adult DDs as his attorneys. He is reluctant to do this as it will really piss her off, but she has proved to be untrustworthy at best (fraudulent?) and I am not sure that she has acted in his best interests. DF does not like conflict and it pains him that we do not get on. She is a narcissist who resents the fact that I am older - like I can help that! Advice and/or sympathy welcome. TIA

I doubt it's thrush because she has had a dentist appointment recently. I suspect it's just a sign of ageing which seems to have accelerated over the last couple of years.

And then, once, I got from my DM was 'I'd have done it for my mum...' while side eyeing me.

i remember my mum doing everything for her mum. I also remember her complaining bitterly about it. Having said that, one day when I was cutting her toenails she said out of the blue that she could never have done that for her mum. Luckily I think she remembers enough that she never consciously tries to be a burden. She just has a very small bubble now and doesn’t get what it’s like trying to juggle a job and a life as well as care for someone who lives 100 miles away.

i find it hard enough dealing with all of this and I was fortunate to have a good relationship with both my parents. My mum is also relatively compliant, ie doesn’t make life hard for the carers. But you folk who cope with all of this while also dealing with a legacy of difficult relationships and personalities have my deepest admiration and sympathies.

This sounds awful for you. Definitely yes to getting the carers to do more. The mental load of doing your own stuff is bad enough but to then have to deal with your DMs requirements will pitch you over the edge. I feel your pain.

My DH and I went away for 3 days recently but I still had to do phone calls to sort their life admin whilst away. Pisses me off no end but if I don't help/do it, I get awful guilt feelings. They've got noone else. And then, once, I got from my DM was 'I'd have done it for my mum...' while side eyeing me. 😑

@Projectme @notcopingwellwithDMdementia it really is too much sometimes. Be kind to yourself.

I cant seem to add posters to this, sorry but thank you for the replies.

yes i will be chasing up the GP for info...i just feel i shouldnt have to...but ill add it to the list 🙄of things to get done.

I also just repeat my answers but after 2 hours of repeat, repeat, repeat I'm ready to be sectioned myself! She can't help it but god, the frustration!!

Thank you again 😊

Sympathy from me too @notcopingwellwithDMdementia . I really don't have any good suggestions, although I definitely get the part about the same story several times in a few minutes.

Today is one of my days off. I did DF's washing and then a food shop, stocking him up with gin again. He got very excited when I tell him how I compared the price of a litre of Gordon's with a litre of Greenalls as with my Clubcard, the Greenalls was cheaper but it was the same ABV. He hasn't lost it yet. Then this afternoon was the last session of physio. The guy is lovely and gets DF. We were waiting to go in then the physio appeared and called us over. DF used both his arms to lever himself out of the chair which the physio noticed and praised. DF veers between saying it's a waste of time going to how much he has improved. He really has more movement and we have further exercises to do going forward. I messaged hideous sister to let her know and she was going to phone him. I have retreated to my own house next door so I don't have to listen to her nonsense.

Wishing everyone a calm and pleasant weekend

Hi @Projectme - if you organised the dementia check I would imagine you could chase up the results/recommendations? Unfortunately the wheels turn very slowly in my experience. It does sound like the early stages of dementia though. I've trained myself to answer "no thanks, I've got one" every time she asks me if I want a cup of tea, which is usually once every 2 minutes. If I say I do want one she doesn't make it, just asks me again 2 minutes later if I want one!

I turned my phone off today so that I couldn't be contacted and couldn't be aware of any attempted contact.

DM has carers twice a day for 30 mins morning and evening, I've been in touch with them today and said we need to increase what she has as I cannot carry on the way things are. They are going to get back to me.

While my phone was off I've had a message from DM saying she's going to tell HMRC just how long she has been working for me so that they know the truth. Make of that what you will. This morning at 6am she was going to take her urine sample for the doctors into the street and pour it down the drain because she was so angry with me that she had to do a urine sample, and it was the last time she would ever let me do this to her.

I just need to pull back and stop doing so much for her. I've told her that I'm not taking her shopping this weekend - I go every Saturday and I'm sick of losing half my weekend to her. I also think I will be turning my phone off more often!

That does sound very like the early stages of dementia @Projectme . It would be useful for all sorts of reasons to have a diagnosis. Can you chase up? Will the nurses speak to you or DF?

Sympathy to @notcopingwellwithDMdementia too. I know what you mean about the nasty streak - it doesn’t get better with age.

@Projectme the lack of information is frustrating. Especially when you see ‘daughter supports’ etc in the medical notes and care notes.
Are you next of kin on NHS system, or able to ask GP directly?

I just need to rant at the world. Compared to some of you, this is nothing but I fear its all the small things that add up

DM has really bad memory issues. Will repeat the same question or say same thing about 5-6 times in the space of half an hour. Ie how are the kids/I've missed Alice's bday (she hasn't, it's not for another 4 weeks)/how are you/how was work today...you get the ghist.

I organised a dementia check. 2 Community nurses came out around 4 weeks ago and did a series of questions (I couldn't be there as had to work) and we've not heard anything back?!?! So yet again, I'm having to enquire as to what the results were/are and what do we do going forward. She's driving my dad mad with all this. Its exhausting.

I'm guessing they'd have been in touch if they thought she had dementia? So if it's not, why is she like this?! What's causing memory loss? I'm just in despair with all the bloody issues that she has and that never ever get resolved unless I'm the one spinning all the plates!
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!