🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

@MotherOfCatBoy so many of us in this position. It has fractured our family as our parents were just like your situation. Mother is now in a house that needs decorating from top to bottom - but historically she only ever does a room every 20 -25 years or so and everything had to be ‘top notch’ or bespoke. So the curtains that cost an arm and a leg 25 years ago are now rotting. I suggested a trip to Dunelm to replace them - she was utterly horrified. This year alone my husband and I have both had some minor but still surgical procedures- she didn’t even ask. Daughter due a corrective procedure on her back. Mother not interested. I try and be upbeat but frankly I am miserably looking at the future with dread.

Couldn’t agree more @BlueLegume . Both my grandfathers had instant heart attacks in their early 70s. My grandmothers then lived to mid 70s and late 80s. My maternal grandmother was cared for by my spinster Aunt, so my mother did nothing there. My paternal grandmother was very independent and on her feet baking every weekend until a week before her death. My Dad visited every week to be fair but general keeping an eye was done by her neighbours.

My parents, in contrast, are “independent” but in a house and garden far too big for them, they refused to downsize, refuse to clear out and de clutter, refuse a cleaner or a gardener. For my part I refuse to take on those jobs wholesale, though I do what I can here and there, so they are increasing living in mess and squalor and will not make the choices to change it. It takes a day a week from me, sometimes more, when I would rather be focusing on my son doing his A levels - whom they never babysat.

@FiniteSagacity absolutely to your point about our elderly parents having had a life well lived at our now current age. Mine had a whale of a time during their 50s -mid 70s. They were clear they wouldn’t child mind any grand children other than an odd day out here and there - words to the effect ‘we have worked all our lives and want to enjoy our retirement’ and they also had no elderly parents to mind. All died before our parents were mid 50s and relatively quickly with no more than a hospital stay of 3 weeks. That said my parents have been part of the generation that have been sucked in by the big pharma world of medicating every single ailment like guinea pigs to ‘stave off death’. Exhausting for our generation. Welcome to everyone and hugs and sympathy.

@BlueLegume you hit the nail on the head with “…if we agree to help and turn up that she has us for the full day”!

Welcome @anagram32 🍷 this is a safe space as @SockFluffInTheBath says, no expectations here you should sacrifice your life for theirs. They’ve often had lives well lived at our ages and it’s not right to expect us to give up the same.

@anagram32 sneaky it most definitely is. My mother needed some new clothes last winter. Point blank refused to order anything online with our help, even though she has always ordered clothes online. Set aside time to take her into a very complicated town (think one way system more like a labyrinth). She refused to select anything but stood in the middle of a well know department store and simply said ‘It’s all tat’. Eventually my sister and I selected an array of practical but nice separates to try on. Reluctantly she agreed to buy some of them. Within a week she was telling me they had ‘fallen apart’. They hadn’t. Cut to Spring this year. On a routine visit to the GP I was driving her to I suggested we stop in town and get some new summer clothes. Her response was ‘not if it is like supermarket sweep like last time. I like to take my time looking for new clothes’. Zero consideration that I had driven an hour from my home to hers, put on a load of washing, taken her a lovely selection of food then taken her to the GP. She seems to think if we agree to help and turn up that she has us for the full day. Manipulation and guilt tripping has always been my mother’s way - it has just got worse.

@BlueLegume this rejecting of much needed help is not only maddening but a bit sneaky because as you say, they are more than happy if you do all the onerous and unpleasant tasks they can no longer manage. We had years of visiting to discover huge cobwebs everywhere, dirty loos and mouldy food in fridge before mother reluctantly caved in to our three line whip on a cleaner. Even now, she seems to think this service should be provided for free. "And I pay her"! she announced to a friend recently in an incredulous tone. Dear God ..... 😮
Unfortunately the sense of entitlement gets worse as they get older. Friends are either dead or equally decrepid by their 90's so neighbours are viewed as an unpaid cab service to drive them anywhere they want to go at the drop of a hat because of course nobody else has any commitments or lives of their own!!

@SockFluffInTheBath very true about it not being socially acceptable to discuss our situations. It seems people with no experience of difficult parents think that we should all be putting our usually middle aged lives on hold and becoming our parents carers. In our case to a mother who rejects any sensible assistance such as shopping delivery, using her freezer, a cleaner etc. No to everything but more than happy seeing us on our hands and knees scrubbing her shower and shifting heavy furniture to vacuum with the heaviest vacuum known to man - because not moving furniture is apparently ’slovenly’ and unhygienic 🙄

@anagram32 it really does help knowing you’re not alone. It’s not socially acceptable to talk about how hard it can be caring for elderly relatives, so this place is invaluable.

@Malbecfan hopefully he will fall in the brambles next time…

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia how did it go?

@anagram32 welcome! I'm still quite new here and by comparison to many, I have it quite easy. DF is pathetically grateful for everything - this morning I walked a mile each way in the pouring rain to get his newspaper. I enjoyed the walk apart from the moron who tried to push me into the brambles because he couldn't wait for 10 seconds whilst I reached the passing place.

Several of you suggested I head over here in response to my post about my extremely spiteful, impossibly difficult 94 year old mother. So I've parked up and am lugging a crate of Cremant in to share. Thank you to all who responded. I am now on day 5 of no contact after years of nightly calls on which her stubbornness, emotional cruelty, vindictiveness and lack of respect have left me wanting to throw the phone out the window at least once a week. And yes, it does still feel great and all the aches and pains of my various health issues are not nearly as bad as they usually are. Solidarity and knowing you are not the only person in your situation goes a long way.

@Choconuttolata that sounds awful - I think getting signed off for a while is a good plan (just don't tell anyone so that you get some time to yourself.)

This is such an unbelievably tough situation for everyone on here to be in, and so 'un-talked' about in real life.

I'm off to DM's shortly for my weekly visit and I find myself dreading it more every week. She's very cross with me this week because currently she thinks I live with her and haven't been going home. I haven't lived with her since I was 17 - nearly 40 years ago (for good reason!) So I'm expecting lots of abuse when I get there.

@Choconuttolata that's incredibly tough on you. A trip to the dr is a good plan. I got signed off when my dad was dying, couldn’t perfect the art of being in 3 places at once and fell asleep while driving home one night. Put yourself first. What’s the worst that happens if you step back from being lead pony on your aunt’s affairs?

Sorry not to reply individually I am still lurking and sorry to hear of all that everyone is coping with. It really is shit and so frustrating when you are dealing with resistance to help and change and no recognition of the impact on the other people around them.

Struggling with my stress levels at the moment as neither of the other executors are doing anything to help with the mammoth task of my Aunt's estate, one is also being obstructive. DH also not always being helpful as he is annoyed with them because of the impact on me and our family, but sounds off about it at me which I just don't need. Just organised some counselling, but I may end up getting the GP to sign me off work if I don't feel better.

DDad also still resisting all suggestions and back to peeing in a bucket which smells and means flies are everywhere 🤢 DB still incommunicado and not stepping up to help with DDad at all. One phonecall where he apologised and said he had just been playing computer games, promised to do better and be more helpful then nothing.

My autistic kids are also struggling with being back to school and changes with support staff so me having to be away sorting out Aunt's estate is not good.

I need a holiday and 🍸

I’m sorry I’m still lurking to help me count my blessings after a long week. So much solidarity here. DF’s catheter rejection was so frustrating because it could have meant freedom for him and those caring for him.

The smell of stale urine and the attempts at rescuing mattress/chair became very familiar. We wanted to weep the day the NHS delivered a fabric riser recliner because GP and District Nurses knew about the day and night incontinence and that a whole bed wash including duvet was necessary every day.
I’m pretty sure the chair needed burning after what was only really a few weeks in between hospital admissions and respite. But in a patient so resistant to help or any change.

Gosh, all our elderly parents seem to be giving us some trouble these days!

I'm mostly recovered. Well enough to be back to running around after my mum anyway. I'd organised a food delivery but then she went shopping with a friend to buy biscuits/cake/chocolate/crisps. She knows I disapprove (even though I still buy whatever she asks me to) as she has chronic kidney disease so that's probably why she only asks me to order the healthy stuff.

Dad definitely slowing down, eating less and spending more time in his room at the care home. His Parkinson's nurse did say that this was the beginning of the end when he went there a year ago so maybe things are getting closer. It's hard to know when to make the decision that my sister (who lives overseas) should come for a visit.

so does FIL actually realise the severity of him saying no to having the surgery to fix his catheter?! Yes, when it was first fitted he went through a phase of pulling it out, and his consultant was honest, I would actually say brutal, about the consequences. Intervention coming when DH gets home.

My cupboard is freshly stocked @ArabellaFishwife , just the thing to get rid of the stale urine smell that lingers in your nose. For MIL we use a waterproof mattress protector and a normal one on top to make it less crinkly/sweaty.

@Projectme I’m glad you’re in a better place mentally. Can’t pour from an empty cup (of something strong and bitter 🥃 < closest I could find!).

Happy Friday everyone.

Minor schminor, honestly. It's not ten days since I was moaning about stuff that now seems trivial and petty in the scheme of things, but it was still having a serious impact on our freedom and quality of life. And the things we've put in place to make things safer and more comfortable for FIL have only highlighted the gravity of a deteriorating situation.
Keep me a negroni for later on, will you? I'm off to clean up a pissy mattress.Or see if it's salvageable at least.

Yes, @Malbecfan I have done a typed and signed letter from DM that is on file at her GP's so I know the Doc will share the information with me when I call them. I don't have PoA for Health and Welfare because I just didn't want the full responsibility of making those kinds of decision for my parents. (read that as wimped out!)

@SockFluffInTheBath so does FIL actually realise the severity of him saying no to having the surgery to fix his catheter?!

On the whole, I have minor issues with regards both my parents compared to some of you and I was very nearly on my knees earlier this year (so god knows what mess I'd be in if I had to deal with what you have!) but having received some counselling and following boundary settings (that have not buckled and everyone has survived) I'm in a better place thankfully. On top of dealing with the practicalities of their requirements, underneath it all, they are going to die (as we all are) and it's the anticipatory grief that plays a huge part too. That's hard to switch off even if parents have been a bit shit along the way.

I hope things improve for you all, one way or another. 💐

@SockFluffInTheBath the catheter situation sounds awful. DF self-catheterises and being honest, if he stops being able to do this, I really don't think I could do it. Your poor DH - none of this is his fault and to be honest, he might find work a helpful distraction. It works for me!

Morning all. Too early for a negroni? 😅

FIL discharged himself late last night after a few failed attempts to replace the catheter. They told him it would need to be done surgically so he refused and left. Ambulance brought him back just before midnight. Emergency additional carer arrived early this morning for MIL and we’ve left it in place as FIL is clearly in no fit state. District nurse came about an hour ago, left 20 mins later, still no catheter. The valve at the bottom of his bladder is collapsed so nothing drains without intervention, he will die without a catheter. Going to read him the riot act shortly. DH is on his knees, he was off work with stress for half of last year and I see him rapidly deteriorating now in the same way. He’s had to go into work today, can’t wfh as contractors onsite. Time for a change and I think I will have to be bad cop. MIL was happy as anything last night without him, much less agitated ( probably from not being shouted at) and happy chatting to her photos. Sounds daft but if she’s happy and safe then that’s all I want.

@FiniteSagacity it’s not a competition, we all have shocking days and ok days. Solidarity indeed 🙂
@Projectme i know the little girl lost routine, FIL does it very well. Very frustrating.
@Malbecfan its so hard some days, you’re doing great.

@SockFluffInTheBath solidarity! Your BiL sounds as helpful as my sister.

@FiniteSagacity I wish you strength in dealing with the crap.

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation

@Projectme last year, a good 10 months before his fall, my DF and I went to chat to the reception team at his GPs. DF said that as his memory was bad, he wanted sister and I to be contacted in the case of any major changes to his health. They suggested that he wrote them a letter expressing these wishes with our contact details. I typed the letter & printed it, sent a copy by email to sister and hand-delivered it to the GPs. It has our mobiles numbers, email addresses and postal addresses. We haven't yet invoked DF's LPA for Health & Welfare but it means that the GP is happy to explain things to me and booking appointments is much simpler. Would this work for you? My DF hates those "dial one to be moaned at, dial 2 for aggravation.." type situations, so I sold it to him as one way I could ease the burden for him.

@FiniteSagacity so frustrating.

I've still not sorted it. It's just 1 phone call to make but I'm just dreading it because when I make the call, it'll get me involved in more shit, more appointments that they'll moan about having to go to and that I'll have to attend cos DM does 'the little girl lost' routine with big confused eyes (she understands more than she let's on) so she need take no responsibility if it all goes tits up!

@Malbecfan I'd go for option 2. Sounds like sis is majorly pissed off to not have been invited to the party etc so is going to make life more difficult for you!

@SockFluffInTheBath what a bloody nightmare for you. And you can't get away from it, living next door!!

@Projectme I definitely haven’t solved the instructing various medical depts to talk to family (not the patient as he can’t get anywhere by himself) thing. Why can’t I ‘tell them once’ when someone is still alive?!

Does anyone know if it’s worth me taking Health & Welfare LPoA to the GP? Still no diagnosis to formally invoke it, although GP sees DF in the nursing home and he is under the mental health team (passed memory assessments but jury is out on some other diagnoses ).

Also, DF would hate me (yes, me personally) doing anything because when I visit him (note this is in a nursing home) he snaps at me that I must not help because he ‘must show he can live independently’. Although I can totally get something he wants from the other side of the room because it saves him getting up which takes a long time and shuffling slowly over (he really needs the exercise!). Might ask the nursing home if they have visiting physio.

I’ve popped back for a healthy dose of reality check, so I can feel better about my own situation (nursing home but the admin never ever ends and why don’t different departments in the NHS talk to each other, or even different teams in the same council’s social care dept).

Wishing strength to @Malbecfan, @ArabellaFishwife and @SockFluffInTheBath as my challenges are different now.

Thank goodness for the solidarity that can be found here 🫖 ☕️ 🍷