🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

No social worker currently. I couldn't get anywhere on the phone today so I've emailed someone.

Thanks for the responses folks. @BlueLegume I am off work on paid leave currently but it's been a while now and my role is going to be made redundant so they are asking if I want to go now. DM is in her own home. I can't cope with the work and stress and money required to move her. It's extra complicated because she and my Dad put their house in trust. I'm so stressed I'm going to bed and waking up with physical pain. Currently have pain in my jaw.

@Newmum738 ; so many knowledgeable pp here to help guide you through; you're in the right place.

@BlueLegume - let her see through dirty windows!!

glad to hear @notcopingwellwithDMdementia that you had a good night. Hope things stay positive for you today.

@Newmum738 yes this is the current thread - welcome and 🤗. Firstly you know you will get lots of support and advice here so good move in logging in. Without knowing if your DM is independently living or in a home hard to help, am sure you will let us know. Job wise could you ask to be signed off for a bit or ensure your employer is aware of the situation? Has your DM got an assigned social worker?

Oh yes, DM lives 3.5 hours away and I have a 6yo at home 🙈

Hi all, is this the current thread? I'm feeling completely overloaded right now. DM has dementia and whilst she has support, I make all the decisions and everyone comes to me about everything. I've been struggling for a while and now completely burnt out. I haven't been functioning at work and now I'm going to lose my job. Can't get through to social services. 🚨Help needed!! 🚨

@PermanentTemporary thing is neither of my parents have ever been frugal or needed to be. High end furniture, kitchens, appliances and expensive clothes and cars, always brand new clothes every season and incredibly expensive holidays. Both in their 80s. Plenty money in the bank and invested. She just wants and expects us to do everything and when we do she then is able to criticise. Genuinely feel for those having to count the pennies etc but this is not applicable to our mother.

Both good points there!

I'm 55 and employ a cleaner and a gardener and it is awesome. But it is also a lot of money. Without wanting to be boomerish about it (my parents are silent generation anyway) the training to be frugal about anything you could do yourself was lifelong for them and it doesn't change easily.

It's still true that expecting your daughters to take on the cleaning and your sons the gardening when you do have the money is not OK.

Mine cancelled the window cleaner too! Because he put the price up by £1. £12 to clean a three bed semi with a big bay and a kitchen extension on the back meaning the bedroom windows are hard to reach! Hardly extortionate. She’s got loads of money. I’ve refused to have anything to do with cleaning them.

Oh no! How frustrating about the windows! Can you send round a contract window cleaner? I'd be irritated, unless there was a very good reason.
Will take a long hard look at the wardrobe.

@Sharptonguedwoman yes to help refusers here BUT expect me and my siblings to do things. I have a few thoughts around help refusing. I think, well I know my mother particularly likes one of our cars being parked outside her house and likes us ‘doing’ things like the garden or cleaning or as we now need to clean the windows as she has cancelled her window cleaner but keeps moaning about the state of the windows. Historically she knows she has been an unpleasant person but has always been very grandiose. I wonder if us having to do all the crappy stuff for her makes her feel superior. Wardrobe wise go for it! Although I will admit I did buy back one particular lovely frock I had taken to the charity shop - they displayed it so nicely in the window I couldn’t resist 🤣

Thank you, I'm going to get DD to say when needed, 'mum, you need a cleaner' and I will listen. Now I have wardrobe envy. I have too many clothes some of them many years old. Retirement means a lot of jeans, fleeces and T shirt wearing. It's hard to ignore the allure of a nice frock but I'm trying.😂.

My parents were help refusers then my mother wanted to come and live with me and DD when my dad died. It would have meant a monumental upheaval and moving and mega stress as she won't talk to DD's father. Then mum fell down my stairs - and bought a retirement flat instead. Phew. We're long past that now, she's waiting for a place in a nursing home. Life is full of adventures!

@Sharptonguedwoman manic declutterer here as well. Late 50s and in the last 5 years I have halved my wardrobe down to things I love and fit me. If I buy anything new it is either for an occasion or to replace an outdated or worn out item. I started when I retired and it is so liberating. I love having space in drawers etc. Your comment about a slide into not coping is interesting. I think it is a slide for the person involved but for outsiders it is much more obvious. Yes we maybe shouldn’t wade in with ‘suggestions’ about cleaners etc but I do believe we do it because we can see the massive headache ahead where everything lands on our doorstep. My own mother has all ways know better than absolutely everyone so has alienated absolutely everyone who have tried to help. I believe she has always been like this but people kept in touch because they liked our father. Now he is in nursing care everyone has scarpered. If only we could.

The thing is, I'm in my mid 60s and don't feel I need either of those things (cleaner/gardener) quite yet. I don't know if illness or injury forces one's hand or or if it's a gentle slide into not coping. I'm a manic declutterer so that must help a bit😳

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia can you ask them for an occupational therapy type assessment? This might help you pursue the type of care required such as the one I mentioned in the PM. It is completely ok to say that her being at home with a care package is not enough.

I managed a good nights sleep last night so I'm feeling more human today!
I haven't heard anything overnight so I'm planning to call the hospital shortly to see how and where DM is.
I'm going to insist that they do an assessment on her safety to be at home on her own. To be honest with work and my own family I really don't have any extra time to give so I will be saying no a lot.
Thank you all for your support - it's so helpful and I'm really grateful for you all

I hope you were able to have a settled night @notcopingwellwithDMdementia . How are things looking today?

You said ^ you feel you're just doing a duty rather than doing it because you want to. I got to this point, I was on my fecking knees when I finally got counselling which helped massively in learning to put boundaries in place. It isn't easy saying 'no' but honestly, you really do have to. And once you say it the once, it gets easier to say it again.

Let us know what's going on today.

Sorry my last post sounds awful and bossy. I meant it in a ‘big sigh’ kind of way. I really feel for you @notcopingwellwithDMdementia it’s hard and it’s frustrating and it just shouldn’t be this way. I hope you get some rest tonight.

Oh gosh @notcopingwellwithDMdementia you must be exhausted.
Turn your phone off and get some sleep! If she's particularly awful in hospital that could help the argument for more support...

The trouble is when the family does rally round then the system ticks the box and moves away. Often the only way to get rapid, meaningful engagement is to not step up to a crisis. We’re very fortunate that DH’s aunt has worked in care, and ran an agency for many years, so knows the system inside out and is leading that charge for us. She sat us down early on and said not to take on more than we’re happy to keep up, and if you take it on then don’t complain about it. It’s true, but hard, and further complicated by being the only ones who do anything of use.

You are quite right @FiniteSagacity - although now the doctors are saying that there is no infection and the rapid acute confusion is just an episode of her (as yet undiagnosed) dementia.

They referred her to the memory clinic (she's already had the first round of assessments done.)

It's so sad but as long as the patients are deemed medically fit the doctors want them gone. And I understand why, but there is just a gaping black hole where the social care support should be.

If DM had gone home alone today she would probably have fallen or gone off wandering and got hurt and then ended up straight back in A&E with physical illness caused by her confusion. The NHS and social care are in a very sorry state.