🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

Thank you @BlueLegume - it's true how 'jangly' they can make us feel.

If the only thing I truly achieve in my life is not creating that feeling in my own child then I will consider myself a success!!

Thank you for replying @PermanentTemporary
Unfortunately she phones me from her mobile so the ward cannot control that.

In an ideal world I'd like her to go into a nice care home permanently (without her mobile!) so I could switch off from worrying about what is going to happen next.

It would be nice if her neighbour wanted the cat - they have 3 of their own though so I'm not sure if they would want another one, and of course should DM be able to come home then there would be cat wars!!

I'm going to start asking around locally to see if there are any charities that offer foster care for these sort of situations. I will ask her vets as well - good idea - I can call them tomorrow.

I think I need to call the hospital tomorrow as well to see if they have any more information on what they think has caused this big decline in cognitive function/increase in confusion. She had an MRI on Thursday so maybe that will show something - if they can say that this state she is in is not going to get better then plans can be made to sell her house etc.

Thank you

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia you know it is fine not to visit so please only do what you have to in order to get her settled. I can completely understand how childhood emotions resurface, it is horrible even when we know they can’t hurt us or undermine us anymore. I look in the mirror and see a middle aged woman who had a successful career raised tow children into independent adult hood with great careers, yet I feel jangly all the time around our mother. You have my sympathy. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

God that's awful.

I'm afraid I would rehome the cat right now. It's not fair on it to wait indefinitely, and it might take a little time to sort out. Do you have contacts who would help - local vet, charity, or is the neighbour interested?

What would you like to do? Would you choose really to completely cut off contact, or would you rather not do that?

I certainly wouldn't rush to visit anyone who was so deeply nasty to me and apparently didn't think much of me except as a useful servant. You could stay involved enough to know where she is and that she's being looked after. You could ask the ward to try to reduce the number of phone calls (they could say the phone is in use - it often is on most wards).

Firstly I'm sorry that all I seem to do on this thread is moan - I feel like I don't give any support to anyone else, and everyone on here is so helpful and supportive to me.

DM is still in hospital, finally on Friday the discharge team spoke to the social care team who have agreed to fund a place in a care home for DM as a next step from hospital. They have no idea how long it will take to get a place as there are very few places available in our county apparently and it could be anywhere in the county.

I've been to see her once this week and she really didn't want to talk to me other than to 'tell' me off. Fine - she is turning more and more into the parent she was when I was younger.

What has annoyed me more than anything this week is that she keeps phoning me (while I'm at work so unable to answer my phone) and leaving vague messages asking me to pick her up. She then doesn't hang up and I get to listen to another 2 or 3 minutes of voicemail of her telling whoever is there at the time how awful I am - I never answer the phone to her, I want her dead, I'm angry that she won't give me all of her money, I just want her money etc etc.

It's all so reminiscent of my childhood and how she treated me/spoke to me. And if I'm honest I just don't want to go and visit her at the moment.

I need someone to tell me it's ok not to visit - how stupid is that? I know it's ok not to visit, I feel so burnt out with everything that has happened this year with DM, the time and mental energy I have spent trying to help her. Again it's like my childhood - trying to make her feel ok and being constantly told that whatever I do is not good enough.

I still have to make sure her cat is being looked after - at what point do I look to re-home him? She could be in a care home for weeks/months/forever - I can't keep relying on her neighbours to feed him.

I feel like everything I am doing for her is out of duty and because there is no one else to do it, not because I want to.

Added to that she will probably live for years yet and I just can't keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this. Someone tell me I'm not completely evil for feeling like this please!

But if he does that @Choconuttolata , given she has "red-flagged" it, won't it look like I'm behind it?

If he still has capacity then he can remove her as POA. Partial deed of revocation.

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/change-your-lasting-power-of-attorney#:~:text=power%20of%20attorney-,Removing%20an%20attorney,'partial%20deed%20of%20revocation'.

Thank you @catndogslife . You are correct about her. However, I have been utterly transparent and copied her into all dealings with any professionals. I have tried my best to always act in DF's best interests, even though the H&W LPA has not yet been enacted. I feel judged at every turn and it is making me anxious and ill. DF is furious with her. She can't do any more because 20 years ago she & her DH fucked off abroad and have lived there ever since. DF says he has no wish to go there - he speaks 2 other languages fluently but not that one. When he's here, he potters about chatting to my neighbours, something he would not be able to do there.

I think that the OPG means Office of the Public Guardian. I suspect that your DSIS is monitoring what you are doing as an attorney and that her views about it aren't very positive (and that's the polite way of putting it).
The trouble about all this looking after other people's affairs is that you are taking on a role with a lot of responsibility with next to no training (unless you already have professional experience in that area) and with the emotional and physical strain that brings.

Can anyone tell me what a "Red flag at the OPG" means please? Sister has pulled another of her stunts and I am at the end of my tether with her. She twists the narrative to suit her ends and is now threatening me with all sorts. However, she thinks it's fine to give her DH the keys to DF's place without consulting DF. DF is very upset about it all. BiL is going to collect post for her because apparently whilst Barclays don't mind a POA person living abroad, they can't actually send anything there. TIA

No, not a day trip to here then back. I've suggested overnight/weekend in the nice B&B round the corner (they have plenty of money and enjoy nice weekends away elsewhere in the country), nice meals from me, etc but nope, travelling the 6 hours+ further to sunny Greece is more fun.

Instead I'm expected to spend hours travelling to them 6 times a year and use my annual leave up clearing up their mess.

moan moan moan 😂

@EmotionalBlackmail see also "too far". Before the dementia kicked in, DParent claimed it was "too far" to visit me a few hours away. Oddly though it wasn't "too far" to drive the extra 30 minutes past my house and on to the airport twice a year, then a 4 hours flight to Greece🙄

Mine was claiming she couldn't cope with public transport and the drive to not-local hospital was too much to deal with.

This seemed to be a thinly disguised attempt to get a lift from me. Trouble is, she's driven from one side of the country to the other over the summer without problem but that was something she wanted to do!

Yes, my DM has always been difficult too. Today I took them out for lunch with my DB as he was passing through. They haven't seen each other in 18mo as he lives over 250 miles away. It all went well and everyone enjoyed themselves. It was suggested to DM that they could get a taxi once a month and go out for lunch, but no, apparently the taxis are too unreliable and she wouldn't manage.

@SesTheBrave when your DM says she couldn’t cope with public transport my ears pricked up….my mother uses the ‘couldn’t cope/can’t cope phrase all the time. It strikes me it means - ‘oh no BlueLegume, I won’t‘. By keep then saying ok we will take you is just enabling her awful attitude. And before I am flamed she has always been difficult. Always.

Thank you for the welcomes.

My DF also needs footcare but thankfully doesn't want me to attempt his toenails. DM gets podiatry on the NHS but I do her fingernails. Footcare specialist sounds like an option for DF.

The appointments are non-stop and require me to provide transport. At mention of a taxi or patient transport, DM says she couldn't cope with that.

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation that’s useful, I didn’t know that!

Welcome newcomers, and so sorry to hear of everyone’s stresses and sorrows. Sometimes I think all anyone can do is keep buggering on, with as much grace as you can muster, even with love if you can, and for the times you can’t quite manage it, draw a lovely big boundary around yourself and have a good old rant; then re-enter the fray when you feel stronger.

DM to me today, after making an NHS podiatry appointment: I don’t want to wait until the end of November, can you cut my toenails?
Me: No. But I took Dad to a private podiatrist, I can take you too if you like?
DM: I don’t want to pay for that.
Me: Then I’m afraid you’ll have to wait for the NHS one.
🙄
Got to draw the line somewhere. The rest is today’s fuckwittery was enough. And PS God I hate Barclays.

Hello! Think this thread is for me sadly. I'm struggling at the moment working full time, 2 secondary school age children plus trying to support my parents as much as I can. There's a lot to their situation but I'll try and summarise.

Dad is 81 and suffers badly with arthritis in his knees to the extent that 10 days ago he couldn't get out of bed. Short term care arranged from community support team and he's doing better but reliant on a frame now. He also has a history of being an alcoholic although doesn't drink spirits now, will drink 3 cans of beer a day and some wine at the weekend. He has shown in the last 10 days that he can go completely without and it doesn't impact his health as it used to.

Mum is 80yo and has had health issues most of her life - rheumatoid arthritis since her late twenties, depression and anxiety, breast cancer resulting in bilateral mastectomy and more recently she fell at home just over a year ago and fractured 3 vertebrae and was subsequently diagnosed with Parkinson's. Recovery from the fall was around 12 weeks and no surgery was needed thankfully. Her anxiety though has worsened.

My parents have never had a loving marriage. Frequent arguments and misunderstandings. Dad is a natural introvert but with a sense of humour. Mum enjoys social company but doesn't get Dad's sense of humour and will snap at him. There is no real relationship except that they live in the same house. Separate meals, separate bedrooms and separate rooms they watch tv in. They also have separate finances and don't know what money the other has.

It just feels a mess and I'm caught in the middle trying to keep them happy, take them to appointments, etc. I have 2 siblings but they are not local like I am.

Any advice? Happy to just have found a space to share, rant and support tbh!

Can I come back and join the crew again please?

So sorry to hear how many of you are juggling multiple family members who require care and help, and that the knocks keep coming some days. It’s a hard stage of life I am finding.

After a scary period over the summer/into the autumn for DM health wise, she was given some good news last week. DF has now had a significant health issue that result in being admitted to HDU on Saturday, and after he started to make some progress with that, he then had a heart attack on Monday. He’s sitting up in his bed in HDU talking, hooked up to oxygen etc and all sorts of drips to help everything else going on. We know his heart and arteries are too damaged for them to do any surgical intervention, but have no idea what the future looks like otherwise or if he will make it home again.

It feels like such a roller coaster. I’m an only child, and DM has mental health difficulties that require a lot of support anyway (not dementia) so just feel so bowled over by this when juggling my own kids.

How do you cope when things look quite bleak and/or they are in hospital? I tend to want all the info I can find, and phone the hospital frequently but I’m beginning to think that’s actually not the most helpful thing as all it does it make me worry, but it doesn’t change the situation.