🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

Ah, I do it for her but we are local to each other

DM doesn't have a smartphone - one of the things she can't cope with!

My mother's solicitor said to be careful withdrawing cash to 'pay' yourself (as in hundreds, not small amounts) because of how they do the assessment if and when your parent needs care and how obsessed they are with dep. of assets. And to keep receipts, invoices from tradespeople etc. Such a pain.

She does it via the Lloyds banking app.

Thanks for the update. So @funnelfan and @BestIsWest how does or did your DM pay you back for purchases made on her behalf that are not gifts?

When we lived in Denmark I did it all the time for presents for people in the UK - just add in a different shipping address and then verify using your details

@catndogslife I frequently order stuff from Amazon for delivery to DM and to DCs using their names and addresses using my credit card.

I am fairly sure that I cannot do a regular online order using my credit card due to a different surname and address

@catndogslife i used to do this regularly for DM before I activated PoA and got my own card. Admittedly it was Asda not Sainsbury’s, but there was no problem having a different billing name and address to the delivery name and address.

@catndogslife it is all about control isn’t it. I left my parents home 35 years ago and hate having to go back as so many unpleasant memories. It sounds like our mother, barrier after barrier to sensible suggestions.

I am incredibly cynical about our mother’s behaviour. On the one hand it is textbook cognitive decline but on the other it is how she always operated. Dig her heels in with reasons why x y z won’t work for her. I have said it before that she has alienated good people and frankly it seems she is determined to do the same with her adult kids. She certainly distorts the truth so we all get versions of reality and then says she can’t remember doing it. I am pushing for us all to sit down and explain she is going to have to accept food delivered soon. If she doesn’t then she will have to organise herself. We are nearly 2 years into the situation where our father should be centre stage as he heads towards end of life. In stead we are being dragged into this kitchen sink drama just like we always have with her fixations and refusal to see sensible pathways.

It's possible, but defining what counts as local when you live very rurally is difficult.
@BlueLegume I think there are only 2 delivery options - one is Sainsbury's and the other Ocado. I already have an account with the former, so it's likely to be that one!

Thanks for the information ammunition.
At the moment we have reached an impasse. I am fairly sure that I cannot do a regular online order using my credit card due to a different surname and address. I know that the odd "holiday" delivery is allowed, but in that case it would still be my name on the order.
DM has said something to the effect that "no way am I having access to her bank account or having a card!" despite me being down as her PoA (the other person named on the PoA is her late partner).

Correct answer!

@catndogslife do they have any local volunteer befriender services where people help with shopping. The local Age UK might be a good place to ask.

@catndogslife could you set up a shopping delivery account that has your mothers card details on but that you can log into to have delivered to her address? I did this for my parents in lockdown and it worked well. I just FaceTimed them and got a list of what they wanted each week delivered. No IT hassle for them and at least they had food and groceries. Unbeknown to me my mother was also going to the shops and buying all sorts as well…massive washing powders etc and lugging them back to the house. I only found this out as an aunt kept seeing her. Turned out my mother was effectively policing her local village to see who was doing what. On reflection I do think lockdown made her a little more difficult behaviour wise than ever.

One thing drove me mad with deliveries was is she didn’t like the way the driver looked she would ask to change supermarkets. This meant I ended up with accounts for 4 different supermarkets. All about controlling things.

@catndogslife could the answer to how much she did for her parents be nil? Just a wild guess

@BlueLegume he's due to exchange on his sale tomorrow - fingers crossed- yes he's a pretty sensible guy - was a senior project manager - the only thing I would say is he's quite stubborn- if he gets it into his head that something has to be done a certain way then it's a bit his way or the highway and he won't be pushed into things- to be honest if it comes that his capacity diminishes I think he will be a bit of a nightmare- so am trying not to be smug as I suspect many on here had parents who were great- until they weren't as a result of illness/dementia. Although it seems plenty of you have ones who were always awkward buggers/ narcisstic attention seekers etc - whether ill or well

I have POA but haven’t activated it with DMs bank. Instead we went into the branch (Lloyds) and she added me to her account as a third party so I have a card in my name. The account is still solely in her name. It’s been a Godsend. @catndogslife I use it to do her food shopping and for clothes and other shopping for her.

Did your mum's bank provide you with a debit card @catndogslife ? We had a meeting with ours (Santander) last week and they said we'd be getting cards for her account.

Welcome @Crikeyalmighty Your FIL sounds very sensible. My DM lives in Somerset, but is younger, doesn't go out much and definitely fits the ostrich mentality. The trouble is the stuff being buried is getting bigger and it isn't really helping solve the problem(s).
The main complaint at the moment is getting her shopping done. Neighbours have been helping, but I think they have had enough now. The GP surgery have provided a list of approved carers who can do tasks such as shopping, cleaning, lifts etc, and she would be able to afford it. However as far as she's concerned, her family i.e. me should be doing more to help. I have offered to do some food shopping online, but the issue is how she would pay me back. Does anyone else do online shopping and how do you manage it? (I have finance PoA).
PS I live 80 miles away but it takes 2 hours to get to her house.
I don't know where this family must help stuff comes from, guess how much shopping she did for her elderly parents back in the day?

@Crikeyalmighty welcome. What a FIL you have. Sounds really sensible.

Yep- it's very hard when the decisions that would have been best to make when well are suddenly off the agenda- due to either long term ostrich syndrome or suddenish decline- that's what my FIL was acutely aware of- he originally planned to put his home on the market in spring 2020 and covid put a stop to that and I was suprised to see him suddenly having mass clear outs starting in spring this year and he announced he was going to sell up - but wanted to declutter first

That’s great to hear, your FIL sounds like a case study on how to plan well for your later years.

I’m lucky in that I always had a good relationship with my mum. We’ve had our moments and she had her annoying habits quirks, but fundamentally she’s always been a reasonable and sensible woman and that’s carried her through cognitive decline to be relatively compliant and easy to manage. She just didn’t plan for this scenario, and hoped for the best like so many parents discussed here, and so I’ve taken on the burden of trying to care for her from 100 miles away because my personality and values led me to believe it was the least worst option. It’s been a rapid learning curve in boundaries!

@funnelfan yep- he's very open, POA already done for if needed, copy's of will etc given over - and i do admire him for making this choice now
He's deliberately picked a place in good nick, close to shop, pub, medical centre, bus stop , and only 5 to 10 minutes walk into town and a small but nice garden - when he's used to having 150ft one.

It helped that he was never that fussed where he was- it was his partners family area - but he had no attachment to it and is originally from the West Country anyway.

There really are so many awkward parents talked about on this thread who seem to get their one bit of power now they no longer have careers by making their adult children's lives a misery- they are bloody lucky their families haven't just gone NC with them

Welcome @Crikeyalmighty , your FIL sounds fab and long may he continue to frequent the funky cafes and markets. It’s lovely to hear a positive story of an older relative enjoying their retirement with few issues!

Although, I do hope your DH has talked to him and knows his dad’s wishes for various “what if” scenarios in the event your FILs health declines. Sorry to be a downer but I do regret not talking to mum more about this when she was compus mentis, when she decided to stay in the family home after dad died, rather than downsizing to a more suitable property like your FIL.

@Crikeyalmighty welcome, it’s nice to hear about a sane gent living his best life in retirement!

Sorting DFs house has led me to meet some lovely older people with similar interests to his. I wish he had braved some socialising when he had his health.

Evening all- never ventured in here before but poured a nice glass of Bread and Butter ( wine) and am down the rabbit hole reading through as DH away tonight

My father in law is on his own since 2019 after wife and then a partner both died before him- he's 85 and unlike many of your parents he is a lovely gent- all with it, smart, clean, educated ( a bit ex colonial) not bad looking for his age , full mobility, drives - I'm so chuffed that he's due to exchange on Wednesday from his house in a dying village 180 miles away and is in process of buying a nice 3 bed bungalow 11 miles away in funky Frome- I find it quite amusing actually he's going somewhere a bit alternative and hip and is busy checking out all the cafes and markets etc in advance. We are in Bath - so close , but not too close ! He's having a gap between selling and buying of a month and coming away at new year with a view to early Jan move in- I read these threads because they are incredibly helpful in preparing for if there is a big change in health either physically or mentally and what to watch out for- in the meantime if anyone has a pleasant attractive mum ( he still likes attractive much older women) in our area who still likes a good time- I've got just the guy for you !!