🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

@BlueLegume ha, ha!! Good to hear your father is in relatively good form and having a laugh- will do him good - I honestly think one reason 'some' older couples are such grumpy gits is partly ill health and partly the fact that they piss each other off , so fresh company is probably doing him good !! yes FIL is off to Frome- we went with him on Saturday as he wanted to have a viewing before exchange with heating on !! ( check it works as had been off for a few months and only on a low tick over) met the seller as although it's an empty house he lives around the corner( literally) he was lovely- told him who all the neighbours were , explained any jobs he had done on the place before he handed it over to his mother to live in- showed him the short cut across the park to medical centre etc, - all in all I've got good vibes - it's real shame your mother can't be persuaded to make a real change and take her focus off you and your siblings-

All sympathy but people who won't wear their hearing aids are annoying. They are so sophisticated (not perfect but so much better than they used to be) that I don't understand why anyone would resist. I'm a hearing aid wearer.

@countrygirl99 understand, I hope you get a fast and proper resolution.

@Crikeyalmighty so pleased the sale went through. I have just been telling my own mother about your FIL - cue sad face and ‘I wish someone had told us to do that’…..she is younger than your FIL and we did.

Yay to him absolutely and yay to you for keeping us updated. It is reassuring to know not all elderly parents are as selfish as some of us experienced. Also visited my father today in his nursing facility-looks better than he has in years and he has a new ‘friend’. Much younger guy which is heartbreaking as he can only be early 60s but they were having a right old chortle together. Dad used to love a laugh and sadly Mum didn’t - very good to see him smiling.

Keep us updated on FIL it keeps me sane knowing that at some point I will channel his approach-stored on my notes on phone as ‘CRIKEY - FIL - FUNKY TOWN’.

@SockFluffInTheBath it's unproven allegations of behaviour out of the home that is causing significant (& costly) problems for other people and consequently putting her at risk. Don't want to give the details because it's very public local to her. Going to be a tough one I think.

Crumbs. Hope you’re ok and it gets sorted.

Good news here today -85 year old FIL has exchanged - completion in 11 days. He is moving to around 12 miles from us from 160 miles - but not till after Xmas- will be in lovely holiday lodge and away with us at Xmas/new year . He's been totally sensible on purchase too, roomy bungalow in midsized funky town , nice nick but small garden and tons of facilities and services on doorstep - yay to him!!

Not currently in the UK and I've just had a call from the care agency with a safeguarding concern. Nothing I can do from here so one of my brothers is going to have to pick it up.

@PatchworkOwl I am so sorry you are going through this. The not knowing is so hard. My mother lived for six weeks once she stopped eating. She responded a little bit in the first few weeks then gradually became less responsive. Eventually I asked the doctor if it was time to remove the fluids and she said it was. I could not bear to visit after that and she died 2 days later. Knowing when to make that decision was so difficult.

To add to the problem, her husband had dementia. He kept asking me when the funeral was going to be . I decided it was best he did not visit in the last few weeks as I worried he would try to wake her.

My consolation was the end was peaceful. No pain, no intervention, just sort of slept her way into death.

@PatchworkOwl she was. She died more than 11 years ago so I can look back mostly fondly. She had many faults but something that stayed with us was her telling DH how much she appreciated him, how he had been a wonderful son blah blah just a couple of weeks before she died. Her exact words were "X you have been a wonderful son, never caused me a moment's worry..." DH had told us numerous times of all his childhood escapades such as throwing a science experiment out of his bedroom window as the fumes became too strong, which left a strange indentation in the concrete path that she could never work out, of him burning one of his school shirts doing yet another bedroom-based science experiment and having to sneak bits of the burned shirt into the bin over several weeks. MiL was convinced someone was stealing the washing!

DH taught a science discipline at a RG university so all the damage wasn't entirely in vain. And after 2 sons, one of whom is severely mentally handicapped, MiL was thrilled to become a grandma at 75, with 2 lovely granddaughters. Yes, they have inherited DH's love of science, but thankfully are less inclined to do bonkers home experiments.

Enjoy each day you have with her, but don't beat yourself up at all. You have done a great job.

@Malbecfan
Oh yes, the rush because it's happening, then it... doesn't. I'm glad to hear went peacefully in the end. It sounds like she was a brave and interesting woman!

@PatchworkOwl you have my sympathies. We were told MiL had hours to live. We prepared our DDs who were then 11 & 13 but they wanted to see her "one last time" in the side room at the hospital. DH spent all Friday night there, giving her sips of water etc. We took the DDs in on Sunday afternoon to see MiL only to find her sitting up in bed, demolishing a banana watching Ski Sunday. The resilience of that woman was immense.

To be fair, she had survived her village being overrun by Red Army soldiers in 1944, escaping to the West on the back of a milk truck, living in occupied West Germany facing homelessness and hunger before meeting FiL, cooking for and translating for the British army before they married. She passed away very quietly a couple of months later in a nursing home, having seen all her important people and being at peace in her late 80s.

I've been her carer for so long but am woefully unprepared for this last stage, especially as it drags on.

It's seemed the end was near a few times but then she's stabilised. Yes, it's the not being able to predict how long she has left that adds an extra layer of difficulty.

Posting here is helpful. I wish I'd known about this year's ago!

I'm sorry, @PatchworkOwl . It's very hard. A colleague is going through the same thing with her mother and it's been over a month. We're not good at predicting how long people have got. Look after yourself.

https://plumbingking.co.uk/product/nova-flo/

What about this @funnelfan ? A plumber might be able to help install it?

My grandmother is still receiving end of life care, this has been several weeks now when we initially thought it would be a matter of days.

The waiting for the inevitable as she slowly declines is one of the hardest things I've gone through (I am her next of kin, POA, etc) and at this stage there's very little I can actually do other than waiting.

What a stressful situation @funnelfan
I'm not sure what else you can do to stop it from happening again if you've already removed the plug, aside from disconnecting the bath from the water pipes. If it has already happened six times, unfortunately it's likely she'll do it again, I'd think. Can you disconnect the bath then have the carer help her in the shower instead? What does your mum say if you bring it up?

Agree with pp, can she shower instead and lock the bath taps? I can only imagine how vexed you are @funnelfan

Wouldn't a walk-in shower be a safer option and ditch the bath altogether, or somehow disable the bath taps if you can have both? Baths with the elderly are always dodgy, she may fall.

It’s the sixth time she’s done it now. FFS.

I’ll be honest, one of the reasons I’ve not pushed for residential care is that it will be a load more work for me in the short term, whereas at the moment things are (usually) ticking over in a manageable way. I’ve no intention of fixing the water damage until mum leaves the house one way or another anyway. it generally dries out over several days as she has the heating on all the time, so no mould etc.

Plus she’s always tended towards being introverted and will hate communal living. When Dad died she responded to people’s concerns about her being lonely very positively saying that she’s always been quite happy with her own company. Her experience of the reablement faculty after her last hospital stay was other residents wandering into her room which she absolutely hated.

Aargh!

@funnelfan oh so sorry. I think the AGAIN word gives you the answer you need. I can only hope someone can help you acknowledge you need to consider she cannot live independently anymore, even with carers. What an utterly difficult situation for you 🥰

Just had another urgent call from mums carers. It seems that she has managed to flood the bathroom and thus the downstairs room AGAIN by running a bath and forgetting and going back to bed.

This is despite me taking the plug off the bath and hiding it and installing an alarm (which was apparently going off at an ear splitting level when the carer arrived). And her personal care slot is at lunchtime to fit with her body clock and the agency do their best to make it a female career who will offer to assist with a bath/washing.

WTF else can I do? Is this it to saying ok, she can’t live safely on her own any more?

You know what, now I think about it I only did it a couple of times with my card and mum gave me cash. That became a nuisance so she then gave me her card number and I used that with her permission and ordered as if I was her.

sorry, it was a few years ago now and a lot has happened since! She’s now not capable of accepting a home delivery so I do it in person now with the official PoA card.

Tesco also allow you to order food for someone else, I did it once for my Aunt when there was no other option and the social worker put it away for her. My Aunt also relied on neighbours until they got fed up with her behaviour as her dementia advanced, decided to stop getting her shopping and then she had no food. It was a nightmare, social care were useless. No personal assistants or agencies would accept cash payment for their time and at the time the POA wasn't activated. In the end I found one local lady who would accept cash, but she wouldn't take her bank card to do shopping so I loaded a Tesco giftcard with money to pay for her shopping. Just before the carer was due to start going in weekly to do her shopping (all Aunt would agree to) then my Aunt had a fall, went into hospital and sadly passed away.

Before I activated the POA for my Dad he used to get me to help him do banking transfers back to me online if we bought him shopping when out at the local supermarket, but we are nearby so it was easy to organise. I now do his online shopping with Sainsbury's and his card details are saved in there, I just put it through each time once I have put what he wants in the basket, although you do need the verification code that comes through to their landline or mobile phone to complete payment if POA not activated.