AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

It's such a minor effort. And it's not just about the lack of clip. It's about the lack of clip making the cereal dry out or stale, then no-one eats it, then it sits there for ages because no-one else is going to get rid of it. Then they make sure you get more cereal added, which suffers the same fate. Next thing, the panty needs tidying yet again, when if people just did one simple thing, you wouldn't have to do that job. And so it continues on and on.

It's like you've finished mopping the floor and someone walks across it in muddy shoes. Your work constantly disrespected, unappreciated and undone and needing doing again. Because no-one values your time either.

Not a great thing to say, but Fuck it OP, I’m not surprised you snapped, she sounds like an arsehole. You’re only human. I’m horrified she’s made you so anxious - my dad is the same and I don’t see him. Shrug your shoulders and move on.

I think it depends on your humour.

I'll often day things about me not worrying about X as because tomorrow I could round the corner and meet that big red bus.

Others do not find it funny when I say that!

But my mum died young of cancer. My dad has had cancer. Cancer affects 1 in 2 people.

Statistically I'm screwed 🫣

You just learn sometimes to put things in perspective.

It's shocking that the comments here assume the mother is 'vile'.

Maybe she's been unhappy for decades - by the rest of the family being selfish and not caring about her.

OP comes over as a stroppy teenager yet must be in her 30s I assume.

It takes two to argue OP.

If your mum was arguing over spilt milk, then someone was doing something and arguing back.

Maybe look at your own role in the relationship.

True!

Haha. Yes my family too.

Maybe you should consider why a man needs reminding to close up a cereal packet. Maybe he's been reminded for 45 years.

YANBU, and I don’t get the hand wringing over it. It’s not cruel it’s just blunt - it’s not like you wished her dead, just reminded her that one day it’ll happen.

The fact that we are all mortal is totally irrelevant to the situation though.

It makes it sound like you are counting down the days to her death. It's a nasty thought to have.

"Give it a rest mum. No one is going to get food poisoning if the cereal doesn't get clipped." - would have given the same message without telling her you are looking forward to her death.

I don't doubt that such overbearing negativity has deeply affected you and caused you to have difficulty distinguishing what is and isn't reasonable where your mum is concerned. I sympathise, but you do not have the power to change her by cutting remarks like this.

You know she’s probably had 50 bloody years of your dad not bothering to keep the cereal fresh with a simple action of clip or rolling the bag over?

I think she either deserved the nasty comment - in which case, why even bother having her in your life? Or, she didn’t. Only you know enough backstory. But either way, I think YABU because you should either not have said it, or not have been there. (I don’t say it lightly - I cut mine out)

I don't get how that's bad. You've essentially said chill out because in 15 years you won't even be here so enjoy life.

Never fails to amaze me that a person can spend their lifetime being vile ( crying at dropping a teaspoon at a friend's house is a response to trauma) Then when somebody ends up snapping at the person who is frequently nasty, they are in the wrong.
This is why you get these awful family dynamics where the person who says no and steps away is villified as the toxic person has to be appeased at all costs.
It's played out in some of the comments on this thread.
@pallindromeemordnillap I mean if I said something twatty to my aduld kids, they'd totally say something like you did, I I'd go 'oh woops' and laugh and apologise.

I've been there with a similar mother and it's hard to be kindly and loving and and unresponsive to digs every single bloody time.

You seem to lack understanding OP.

When you Mum got annoyed about the dropped spoon, it probably wasn't about the spoon at all.

She was probably fed up with all sorts in her life, maybe a bit hormonal at the time if she was around that age. I don't know how old you are but menopause can make women very emotional over 'nothing' (sometimes for years ) and maybe she was having one of those days.

My Mum used to fly off the handle over domestic stuff and you know why?
Because she was the only one who did any housework and got no recognition for it.

She'd spend her days cleaning up after my Dad and my brother, who undid all the cleaning she'd done almost instantly. So when she shouted 'take your bloody shoes off' when they came in from the garden it was because she'd spent her day cleaning the floors.

Why does your dad , an adult man, need reminding to put the clip on the cereal?

You should be ashamed.

No, she shouldn't.

We are so weird about death in this country. I really don’t see what is wrong with what you said. You didn’t say “I wish you were dead” you stated a fact. We will all be dead one day - don’t stress it. We all need reminding of that sometimes.

I am so sorry you had such a difficult upbringing. Your mum sounds a very difficult person. Thank you for sharing it. It gives me pause for thought about the way I am with my own DC sometimes.

She’s probably asked time and time again for the clip to be put on, and time and time again it hasn’t been done. No wonder she’s fed up. She probably does more than her fair share of the daily grind in the house too.

But it's said as a joke from your account, not as a nasty comment.

So how old is your mum?
I assume she's 70-ish as the life expectancy in the UK is around 84.

I'd be disgusted if my children said that to me.

You should be ashamed.
Maybe your Mum is on a short fuse because everyone in her household is uncaring and selfish and she's fed up with being the only one who organises anything or does any 'housekeeping'.

We're not you and haven't lived your life and family dynamic. I doubt if what a random bunch of people on the internet say is going to make any difference to what you said or your feelings about it going forward. I don't suppose what you said will influence how your mother continues to behave either.

Wow, there are sensitive souls on the thread. Your mother sounds like she's thick skinned to get over it without too much angst.

If it gives her pause for thought then good. Some people are control freaks and negativity sumps.

Love it! she clearly has form and you’ve been tolerant for decades.
totally agree it’s not a “nice” thing to say but you’ve been saying the nice thing and she’s behaved appallingly! Why not try something new!
also the whole “she’s your mother” gang can do one in my view. Motherhood doesn’t make you a saint. Giving birth doesn’t make you a good person or caring or capable of providing what a child needs. There are more than a couple of women out there with children who are utterly miserable because of their behaviour.
well done OP. X

I don't, either. Women aren't saints just because they're mothers. Some are negative and draining. Maybe this will give her pause.

Have you tried actually talking to her about how her behaviour makes you feel, to try to get her to change it?

My DM is difficult too. I mainly didn't feel able to change how we related, and now that she has advanced alzheimers and it's too late, I feel so sad at what we both missed out on. She wanted to have a good relationship with me - like your DM I think - but neither of us knew how.

We did as a family manage to change how she related to another family member. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough - so it is possible (to an extent) and I wish I had tried. It's not too late for you yet. It might be for less than 15 years, but it will be something!

As for your comment, I have mixed feelings. If she's old enough for it to be true, I'm sure she's aware of it! I'm much younger - probably your own age - and seeing my parents reach the end of their time has made me aware of my own mortality and has changed what I think is important. It's sad in some ways, but quite freeing in others! I don't think it's a bad thing for your DM to think about in clear way. But it must have really hurt to have it flung at her by her daughter. I would be devastated if my DD said that to me - it would feel as if she already moved past my loss before I'd even gone. Talk to her.

It wasn’t a very nice thing to say, but we all say things that we later regret.🤷‍♀️

Death by soggy cereal