AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

I find it odd how upsetting or mean people think this is? For centuries and across cultures wise people have reminded us that we will all die one day so use our time well. (My DP also reminds me of this if I get too bogged down in the negative or trivial and it's annoying sometimes but he's right!
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15 years is a long time of happy life if Op's DM chooses to reflect and behave better.

It appeared to be said with the intention she'd be glad when her mum was dead.
If it was said as a joke, and they usually had a good relationship, it wouldn't matter at all and OP wouldn't have needed to garner opinions.

Statistically speaking the horrible parents who sweat the small stuff are most likely to live to and past 100

I have an aunt like this. So negative and me me me me and she likes to make everyone dance around her because she's old, or ill or because she forgot to watch something on the tv, or just because. Constantly bitching and moaning.

Frankly being told it straight would be good for her IMO.

It sounds to me as though your mother suffers massively from anxiety herself

Can someone explain what is so "vile" and "disgusting" and "cruel" about what the OP said?
We'll all be dead one day.

LOL at you criticising your Mum for her over reactions to things !

Invoking looming death over a cereal clip is fairly extreme 😂

Everyone's children will have an opinion on how they were parented one day. None of us are perfect parents either, so we'll have to hope they are generous and forgive us our mistakes.

Personally, I have no intention of sweating the small stuff. Maybe OP's mother eats cereal too. I don't. For me this would be easy. I just wouldn't buy the cereal. If you're not going to look after it, I'm not going to pay for it. He can buy it himself and then is free to waste it or not. If I did eat cereal I'd probably have my own box stashed away somewhere staying protected with a clip on.

How old is she @pallindromeemordnillap. Apologies if you have already said but I haven't read the whole thread.

I'm 64 and will often say "I'll be dead in 30 years".

If your mother is 64 or younger, I think 15 years was a bit mean. If 80, not mean at all.

My mother is 88 and has been unwell (recovering). She had a melt down recently about two little marks on her face - one a BCC is coming off, the other isn't potentially malignant and they won't take it off on the NHS. She was stressing about it get bigger and getting ugly and the Dr had said they could turn malignant in 10 years. I raised my eyebrows, "10 years mummy, how old will you be then". Fortunately it raised a laugh and a "I think I'm being silly - if I'm here in 10 years, I'll be lucky"

It's the sort of thing I say but I am very pragmatic and my family tends to be so and inclined to "We'll be dust by then" type comments.

Well, I think she sounds vile. I’m not surprised you snapped.

Children can be very concerned about not doing anything wrong in someone else's house. One of my DDs friends stayed over and had a shower in the morning. She was practically tearful that she had splashed some water on the floor, could she have a mop, she was so sorry, etc, etc. I told her not to worry I would wipe it up, it wasn't exactly a flood. Her parents were perfectly nice, maybe a bit more strict than me, but I was a pushover.

YANBU I would frame it humorously, if this is possible given that her behaviour sounds grating.

Except some posts are based on the flimsiest of 'evidence' and 100% subjective.

And no one acknowledges there is always another side - and are shot down for suggesting there is.

Dear God. By that reckoning we might as well all stop engaging with any post on Mumsnet as they are all from the POV of the poster, and we don’t know the backstory from all participants!

This might shock you, but it’s not professional journalists on here trying to give objective news stories. It’s all people giving their interpretation of their own lives. thats that’s how it works.

OP gave the backstory of her experiences to explain why she said what she did.

I'd be interested to know if @pallindromeemordnillap is a mum herself.

Because if she is, she would know that getting it right and being a good parent is the hardest job in the world.

How will her own children judge her in years to come?

Because here, she comes over as having a lot of pent up anger towards her Mum (and no one here knows at all if that's justified.)

I too saw my mum 'sweat the small stuff' and felt critical with the 'life's too short' reaction.

But I also saw my Dad and brother being selfish and sometimes lazy arses, whose behaviour drove her up the wall and where she felt under valued for what she did.

My mum is a similar way but I would never say that to her, so hurtful. Therapy has helped me come to terms with the fact we will never have an idealised fantasy mother-daughter relationship, put in boundaries and feel compassion for her - having so much stress and anxiety 24/7 must be really tough. Realising I'm not responsible for and do not need to absorb it has help... though I'm not immune and still find it hard sometimes.

Ultimately what you said to her doesn't come from a place of trying to help. People with high levels of stress and anxiety don't really respond to factual information delivered in a dry way. If you want to have a better relationship you will need to lead with empathy... and you might need help to do that.

Seems to be a few posters on here that are similar to the OP's mother. Endlessly berating other over things. So much so, they focus on minor things that are of no consequence when there's nothing justifiable to berate about. Being a mother doesn't mean all your behaviours are acceptable, no matter how much you try to blame others for them.

If you feel bad about it @pallindromeemordnillap maybe you should apologise to your mother. You could buy her a lidded ceral container as an olive branch gift.

Do any of us ever forget our mortality? It’s not like she was happily trundling along thinking she would never die! She’s a pain, you snapped, that’s all really. YANBU

But not as disgusting as making a child live in terror of simple everyday mistakes?

And not as disgusting as trying to shame a victim who’s finally stood up to their bully, eh?

She didn't 'literally' do that. She gave her own opinion which may or may not be how her Mum sees it.

Bloody hell, people are bizzarly sensitive on this thread. Calling OP's comment "vile" and "cruel"? Ffs she didn't say she wished her mother was dead, or say she would dance on her grave 🙄

I'm with those that believe the OP who says she's grown up with a mother that lambasted her throughout her childhood for trivial mistakes, creating high high anxiety for the OP. That's not normal, healthy or nurturing, whatever other positive qualities her dm has.

Reminding her of her mortality is factual! I'm in my 60s, I know statistically my life expectancy and that's fine. OP is reminding her dm that life is too short to waste on negativity. Her dm didn't bother about OP's feelings when she berated her during childhood. This factual statement doesn't strike me as vile or cruel. You reap what you sow.

Also, you said that your mother was gobsmacked (so she clearly stopped talking at that point and wasn't nagging your father) but it was your father who said it was a nasty thing to say about her death.
Have you asked him why he would think that it was a nasty thing to say?

I didn't get the impression that someone else who posted did, that you would be looking forward to her death like some kind of "Ding! Dong! The witch is gone...the wicked witch is gone!" thing. I didn't get that impression at all from your comment.

"Its just weighing on my heart that I may have reminded her of her mortality"

May??

Very to sorry to hear about your loss.

I would say - just for the OP’s sake, as she’s clearly feeling guilt - that this poster’s mother acknowledged her cruelty. When a mother does not, it’s very difficult to forgive.

Living with someone who berates BERATES your father constantly in front of you, or turns every conversation into a negative, is incredibly draining for a child. It pulls you down, teaches you no empathy, messes with your understanding of the world and impacts your relationship with your own children.

I am 99.9% sure (seeing as the op is here after having snapped and is feeling shitty and conflicted about it) that this isn’t a case of ‘unrealistic expectations’ or ‘impossibly high standards’ on the OP’s part. She will likely have lived an entire life forgiving…being generous to her mother. Allowing, and probably even enabling, her bad behaviour. Putting up with cruel comments or dealing with the weight of judgement, or tiptoeing round her mother.

Also, when someone stands up to their abusive father, snapping as a teen for example, and jumping to the defence of their mother, everyone is like you did the right thing…he was a prick…he was abusive. So why when it’s a mother doing the abusive behaviour should this woman stand there watching her father be belittled over a bloody cereal box without saying a word?

Not only this, but it is quite possible the OP’s father just does what he can to have an easy life, to keep the mother placated, and therefore doesn’t defend the OP or stand up to the mother properly. That causes a whole host of other issues. (Obviously I could be wrong in this case because I know only the post’s info but OP worth looking up covert narcissism as rings bells)

see, this sounds fine to me. But it’s also the kind of thing my mum might say about herself ‘i’ll be dead by then so don’t think I need to worry about that’ pragmatically. So it doesn’t sound mean to me, just accurate.