AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

I think posters are focusing on the clip because that's the only way they can make out the mother is reasonable abd it the OP and her dad who are evil personified.

It sure is draining, when it's everything and anything. It's very possible, from the level the OP described of negativity and critism the mother hands out, that even if the clip were on it wouldn't be on right or the wrong one and so on.

Why are people focusing on the cereal clip as if this is the one and only issue that really winds the mother up? OP's been very clear that this isn't the case - that she is like this across the board. Clearly some people haven't lived with people like this (equally clearly some people on the thread have been the person like this) but it's completely draining, it isn't a little foible.

My mother is a nightmare and as a family, we have a dark sense of humour. Frankly we've needed it, to get us through some of her worst behaviour.

I would absolutely say this, and it wouldn't bother any of us, even her, in the slightest.

I sometimes ask my dad whether he's sure she hasn't died and got stuck to the sofa.

No matter what has happened between in the past, that is a truly dreadfully cruel thing to say to anyone, let alone your mother.

Love it. Pretty cutting admittedly but sounds as though it's been well earned. I wouldn't feel a moments guilt about it but agree with other posters that once she's had time to regroup she'll throw it in your face at every opportunity.
Life is short, you can either apologise now to head it off or prepare your responses in advance to remind her not to sweat [be a complete b*tch] so much about the small stuff.

But it matters to the mother. Everyone has their foibles. I'd respect this lady and put the cereal clip on as she requires. It might not be important to me but it is to her so I'd do it. A little respect for others costs nothing and helps everyone get along.

She sounds very difficult to live with, and you snapped after years of this.

But I think you should apologise, tell her you're really sorry, you will miss her enormously when she's gone, and you want her to be happy while you still have it, and you don't like the family arguments. That might stop her bringing it up all the time, and if she does, you can repeat it till it hopefully stops.

I remember my mother making a huge fuss when my DS spilled a small glass of water on the carpet - seeing her do to him what she'd done to me for years really brought the craziness into focus. She made me feel that I was less important than her belongings, and my DS was less important than a carpet, which would seemingly rot.

Harsh? Yes. But at least it's honest. It sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. It doesn't sound like she's been given a reality check before and maybe a bit of a shock is needed for her to realise how problematic her behaviour is. It's also unpleasant seeing your Dad getting yelled at if it's been a relentless issue and he seems worn down - a bit of a protective mechanism can kick in, but that really is your Dad's issue to solve.

However going forward, I'd just focus on finding ways to let all her negativity ping off you - that's her stuff to carry, not yours. Practice beige stock responses - "Oh dear", "That's nice", "That's a shame", "Oh well" - and change the topic. If she doesn't allow you to change topic, walk away from the conversation. You don't owe her any more than that.

If that is too hard, limit the time you spend with her. You can be caring from a protective distance. Don't feel guilt for that.

It's frustrating but older angry mothers spewing negativity isn't too uncommon - and they may have their own reasons for being that way. But it's on her to sort her issues out, not you. All you can do is make sure you have a good view of what is "normal" behaviour so you can identify the parts of what she says that are fair and reasonable, and those that are purely driven by her issues. If you've not had it, it sounds like therapy may be helpful for you.

And perhaps it's worth re-assuring your DH that your harshness in this instance was a reaction and is not an indicator that you'll turn into your mother!

To be fair I think the precision of this one made it a bit more cutting - if it had been either vaguer ('we'll all be dead one day, and will it matter then?') or more generally applicable (the usual 'you could be hit by a bus tomorrow') it would have been less shocking, the implication of what OP said was that she's been looking at actuarial tables to figure out when her mum is likely to go!

However, I am really disturbed by how many people are jumping to the defence of OP's mum, clearly because they identify with her behaviour as their own. Berating anyone because of your own anxiety isn't ok - making a child live on eggshells is emotional abuse.

You were nothing to do with the situation. It was between your mother and your father and up to him to remonstrate with her.

Your comment proves that the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree as you appear to be just like your mother.

Nasty comment that was not warranted.

YANBU at all.

The ‘all mothers are saints who must never be spoken of negatively’ or ‘my mum died how dare you speak badly to yours’ crew are actually as offensive to those of us who have been traumatised by anxious, controlling negative parents as our ‘uncaringness’ is to them.

My mother is a reactor - nothing is ever responded to in a measured, appropriate way. From a spill of water to all out massacre, the emotional response and demands to centre her are the same.

It’s tedious, embarrassing, stressful and pointless. And I have absolutely told her she has too little time left to spend hours every day climbing the walls and demanding everyone perform like circus monkeys to validate her over reactions.

Not a single one of us will think of her after she dies and say ‘I wish I’d let her dominate even more of my life with the over reactions, anxiety and endless criticising for attention’. It’s a shame for her that most people who have spent time with her will be relieved they no longer have to listen to it.

I don't see the big deal. I'll be dead in 60 years. My parents probably have no more than 20-30.

People love to say things like, "On your deathbed, you won't wish you (thing that they are discouraging you from doing), you'll wish you (thing they are in favour of)" so why is that OK but what you said not? Mum needed a reality check, you provided one.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk.

Hmmm. Did you spill the water on a laptop or a beautiful old dining table and then forget to wipe it up? Or on the kitchen vinyl? Context is everything.

She doesn't need to be reminded about her mortality. She's an anxious person — hence all the fussing about small things, because if she can control all the small things the big anxieties can't eat her. When she looked at you strangely it's probably because you seemed to have guessed what she thinks about, and fears, all the time. Others have pointed out your father's role in this. Would it kill him just to be a grown-up and replace the clip? No. So why didn't he do it? Doesn't your mum deserve better?

Very mean to talk to old people about ageing and death unless they start the conversation. I'm getting older (60s now) and I'm beset by all kinds of horrible awareness of how I'm wearing out. I know my days are numbered, I can feel it. I've always been fit and healthy and now my joints are aching, I've started to pee myself when I sneeze or laugh, I can't run down the stairs like I used to and my once beautiful hair is getting thin and frizzy and I've had to have it cut short. The hairdresser said to me 'Poor you, yours is the worst kind of old lady hair. Impossible to do anything with.'

I know death is getting closer. So does your mum. You wanted to hurt her, you did hurt her and now you're seeking forgiveness from all the mother-haters of MN. I also used to be driven bonkers by my mother's fussiness and negativity, so I get it. But fortunately I learned to understand why she was who she was (anxious child growing up during the war and post-war years when things were dreadful, always in fear of losing everything she'd got, trapped in a pretty sterile marriage and virtually carer for my dad) and see what the fussing and negativity were really all about.

Whilst I can see where the sentiment is coming from, I don't think it's surprising that she was a bit taken aback by the reference to her death.

Well you seem to have built a pretty big story out of a dropped spoon and a DH not putting his cereal away properly. The OP also says her DM is very loving. Maybe the DM is overly house proud, maybe she was overly strict when her child was young, maybe the child was really sensitive and over-reacted to things her mother did. We have no idea really.

Should you mention impending death to an older person? I don't think so. When you reach a certain age things seem different, all the health problems you assumed will just pass or get better when you are young become more, will this get better or is it something I will have to live with from now on, or is this a symptom of something sinister. I realise I may well not be here in 15 years (or less), but I don't need anyone reminding me of it.

It's alright to think this.
My mother is a narcissist and was abusive all her life.
I keep saying something similar, but only to myself.
Very low contact, she's in another country 👍

Anyone who is going to be dead in 15 years can maybe relax about stuff that will only happen in 15 years time. This wasn't one of those things so what you said makes no sense.

I might have said something similar but maybe... "we'll all be dead in (eg.) 50 years and will have no consequence then" 15 years seems a bit harsh.. unless shes 90 years old maybe

It sounds like your mum was due a memento mori. Don't beat yourself up too much - we'll all be dead one day

I think everybody aged 90 knows death is looming because most of their friends and family are already dead.
unless you have dementia and you think they are all alive still. I’ve never thought of dementia as good, but it must be a small blessing to believe your loved ones are still alive.

It's a bit harsh.

Even if she is 90 it mean to reminder her death is looming.

I mean, at 90 that's probably a good thing to come to grips with...

We live with death as our shadow from the day we're born.

I think that if she has always been this way then whatever you say to her is not going to change her behaviour.
All you can do is change how you react in these situations. It sounds like you may need to talk this over with a counsellor to get some perspective on how you interact with your mother.

Yep, right there!

I mean its a bastardization of a saying and something we said in a general conversation the other day but the phrase is 'In 100 years you'll be dead and no one will remember'... not fifteen.

Fifteen years is not very far away and unless your mother is 90+ you are essentially implying you wish early death on her. Even if she is 90 it mean to reminder her death is looming.