AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

What on earth is that MN added warning about?!

Surely the opening lines, “My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.” are enough to make those sensitive to such a discussion close the thread, without having any distressing information?

No wonder there are accusations of people being snowflakes these days.

I’m sorry your mother experienced that.

I also think it is very sad that she was unable to prepare herself at all for death, and in doing so lost on many opportunities. It’s sad all round, because it isn’t a good example to set her children, she was unnecessarily fearful, and those around her also lust out.

Mmm, do you think if a person who has such a temper over a dropped spoon that their child literally cries at the thought of it is sensitive? I would have said quite the opposite?

I also think that if you are a parent “with a temper” you have no cause for complaint when adult children treat you as you treated them. That’s what you taught them about how you treat people you love.
Certainly, anyone foul tempered to me is not going to get treated with kid gloves.

I think the OP can choose not to mention our mortality, but she could also replicate her mother’s style of speaking to her and just scream at her instead. I think that OP let her off lightly.

@Iwasafool that must have been horrific and I’m sorry for your loss but in all respect that is a very different scenario and situation to the one the OP describes.

Maybe the fools are the insensitive people who can't appreciate we aren't all the same and their way isn't necessarily the best way for everyone.

My mother had cancer and it was painful and protracted and the last thing she needed was anyone making flippant remarks about death. I tend to think if some are sensitive and some are not it is best to err on the side of not upsetting the sensitive.

Very well said. Well done to you for seeing this and remedying it in your own family. There's a lot of projection on this thread from people who can't seem to see further than the cereal packet. I'm not surprised the OP has not been back.

Sensible post above from ABirdsEyeView.

Lots of people can dish out criticism or harsh comments but can't take them. I think for many mother/daughter relationships this would be a brutal thing to say. But if a parent has spent a lifetime turning their family into nervous wrecks over trivial shit, it stands to reason that at some point one of them will snap.

For OPs mum, if this gives her pause for thought, that's not a terrible thing. OP I would suggest going back to her and saying you weren't wishing her ill, but constant overreaction needs addressing.

In our family we talk about death - seriously and lightheartedly - all the time. It’s a way of preparing and coming to terms.

It works too.

The bottom line with this is that there are people in the world who can't control their anxiety and feel sorry for the impact of that on the people around them, and try to mitigate it. Then there are people in the world who can't control their anxiety and feel the world and everyone in it should rearrange itself and themselves to accommodate them and their anxiety, lest they have to make the slightest effort to make any changes themselves.

Most people are very sympathetic towards, and cut a lot of slack for the former.

Most people have little patience with the latter.

OP's mum sounds like she's in the latter group.

Pragmatic, and actually pretty funny. If anyone over 50 (like me) gets twitchy about reminders of their own mortality, then they're fools. We're all going to kick the bucket, and some of us much sooner than others 😂

I am sorry your mother was so afraid, Iwasafool. Most elderly people are not, what they fear is disability, losing independence and chronic pain, but not death itself. I will be lucky to have another ten years, never mind fifteen, but death does not frighten me.

The op just made the remark off the top of her head and I doubt that her mum thinks about her mortality, far too busy moaning and being pernickity. It will have been water off a duck's back, momentarily stunning but that's all.

I said before, my mother was like that (with good points), she wasn't worried about dying and lived for the day, quite fit until she had a ruptured abdominal aneurysm at 85 and died within two days.

When I (hopefully) reach my twilight years I don't think I will feel any less upset about the prospect of dying so won't wish to be reminded.

Well yes it does depend on the person, my mother was nearly 80 when she died, she knew she was dying and it absolutely terrified her. Reminding her of it when she wasn't completely out of it on morphine would have been horrifically cruel and the fact that it wouldn't bother you is totally irrelevant.

I think people are focusing on the clip because that was what led to the OP saying what she said. Has anyone said anything negative about the dad? If they have I missed it. The OP asked if she was BU, some people think she was some think she wasn't. Not sure where the evil personified comes from.

Exactly.... The OPs post headline is AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax. The answer is NO. Death is to Life as Life is to Death. Just because someone reminds you of your mortality doesnt make it less true! Much like the person who is medically overweight not wanting to be told they are overweight.

The problem here is everything else behind the statement. The reaction to the statement by her DM as well as the reason why the OP should even feel she has said the wrong thing in the first place. Clearly not a safe relationship in which to speak the truth. Over sensitive over reactive toxic relationships where people get offended by the smallest things - EVEN IF THEY MAY BE TRUE!

@aladderformoths Should you mention impending death to an older person? I don't think so. When you reach a certain age things seem different, all the health problems you assumed will just pass or get better when you are young become more, will this get better or is it something I will have to live with from now on, or is this a symptom of something sinister. I realise I may well not be here in 15 years (or less), but I don't need anyone reminding me of it.

I disagree and it should depend on how sensitive you think the person is. I'm an older person and realistically have (hopefully) about 15-20 years left. I don't mind anyone reminding me of it or talking about it because it's true.

Extremely well put.

However, I am really disturbed by how many people are jumping to the defence of OP's mum, clearly because they identify with her behaviour as their own. Berating anyone because of your own anxiety isn't ok - making a child live on eggshells is emotional abuse=

Completely agree.

Nasty comment that was not warranted

That's funny. That's exactly what I was thinking about your post.

Absolutely love the way you say ' OP says her DM is very loving' whilst missing out the remainder of that sentence in some ways but very destructive in others
An absolute classic of selective editing there.

As if a mother who flits between being loving and destructive is not in itself a harmful environment for a child to be in.

And if you read my post you will see I am replying less to OP and more to posters who are arguing its ok for parents to take out their own anxiety and stress on their children - and its not.

OP is also clear this was not a one off incident of a dropped spoon ( so not ' you seem to have built a pretty big story out of a dropped spoon and a DH not putting his cereal away properly' at all), but a constant set of behaviour which had taught her to be scared to tears ( literally) of her mother's reactions.

If you have to lie through minimisation to make your case, you do not have a case.

I can imagine saying, in exasperation, something like, "What's the point? We could all drop down dead tomorrow and then what would it matter". I don't think it was a terrible remark, the op doesn't 'hate' her mother and has said she has her good points but she is obviously a pernickety, difficult woman. I had one of those and she used to drive me potty, I often made sharp retorts to her - she did to me too - but we got over it. She had many good points too and I loved her but she was very difficult to live with.

This is a misreading of the OP. OP was terrified of her mum’s reaction as she had learnt to be terrified, see the OP. She felt dissonance when the mum hugged her over the spoon as her mum never did that.

Does everyone really believe stating a persons likely lifeline ie you will be dead in 15 years is that terrible of a thing to say?
I understand that there is further context to this particular situation but there are a number of of posters who seem to think that this is something you are just not allowed to say to someone? I am 46 and if someone told me I’d be dead in 40 years I would probably tell them that they are right!