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Elderly parents
Original poster

AIBU to tell someone they will be dead in 15 years so relax *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING FOR TOXIC PARENTING DISCUSSION*

290 replies

pallindromeemordnillap · 08/08/2024 01:55

My mother is a complex person. Very loving in some ways but very destructive in others.

She literally will lambast and chastise over spilt WATER not just milk. Making a mountain out of a molehill over very little things is her norm. So much so I remember bursting out crying at a friends house when I dropped a spoon. I’ll never forget the dissonance I felt when the mum gave me a hug and told me not to sweat the small stuff.

Anyway my mum was having a go at my dad for not putting a food clip on the cereal box and I just told her to “give it a rest with the negativity as statistically speaking you are likely to be dead in 15 years and some dry cereal will be of absolutely no consequence”. Normally my mum would retort back but she was clearly gobsmacked.

Dh told me I was a bit nasty for bringing up her death.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PomPomtheGreat · 08/08/2024 02:32

IntrepidInterloper · 08/08/2024 02:31

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She was often deliberately cruel to me and said so when she was dying, admitting that in her words, she hadn't been much of a mother to me. I could have chosen to be cruel in return, but I didn't. I hugged her and told her she had done her best. I couldn't send her to her grave feeling that guilt...She was the only mother I had, despite her shortcomings.

I couldn't have coped with the guilt of it either, it isn't who I am. Obviously you have your reasons, but as a society we are unkind to our mothers and often hold them to unrealistic standards. I strongly advise you to think carefully about the things you say, they can never be taken back.

Off to name change again.

💐

IntrepidInterloper · 08/08/2024 02:31

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She was often deliberately cruel to me and said so when she was dying, admitting that in her words, she hadn't been much of a mother to me. I could have chosen to be cruel in return, but I didn't. I hugged her and told her she had done her best. I couldn't send her to her grave feeling that guilt...She was the only mother I had, despite her shortcomings.

I couldn't have coped with the guilt of it either, it isn't who I am. Obviously you have your reasons, but as a society we are unkind to our mothers and often hold them to unrealistic standards. I strongly advise you to think carefully about the things you say, they can never be taken back.

Off to name change again.

Garlicfest · 08/08/2024 02:29

Completely pragmatic and, actually, quite wise! Perhaps your stark injection of realistic priorities will give her pause enough to think about how to use her energy. Or not ...

People who know me were surprised I furnished my flat entirely from Ikea: "You're so creative, why don't you upcycle really good vintage pieces that will last a lifetime?" As I kept pointing out, I've got 10-15 years left. My Ikea things will definitely last my lifetime, and I don't wish to spend my remaining decade sanding down chests of drawers 😏

vodkaredbullgirl · 08/08/2024 02:28

😲

ChildlessCatLady · 08/08/2024 02:26

It doesn't seem very relevant. If she's planning to buy an investment that matures in thirty years, or put solar panels on her house because they'll save money over time, or adopt a box tortoise, THEN "remember, you'll probably only live another fifteen years or less" might be relevant (but still hard to say tactfully). But the missing clip on the cereal box was probably only going to be important to her for a few minutes, perhaps a few hours - she's got plenty of time for that.

Remaker · 08/08/2024 02:21

Probably in that situation it was a bit uncalled for. However I must confess I said something similar to my mum recently.

She is a very negative and pessimistic person and when I was diagnosed with cancer last year I stayed away from her as I preferred to be positive. Now my SIL has been diagnosed with breast cancer and every time I visit mum she starts talking about how worried she is and how ‘it doesn’t sound good’ and trying to get me to say that I don’t think she will survive. There’s absolutely no evidence for this and finally I lost it and told her if it does recur it will likely be in 10-15 years so she (Mum) won’t be here to worry about it (she’s 88). It wasn’t my finest moment but it just came out in the heat of the moment.

tuttuttutt · 08/08/2024 02:10

Oh I see she makes a mountain out of small things but I still wouldn't say something like that. Just dont spend time with her

tuttuttutt · 08/08/2024 02:09

That's really horrible but maybe there's a back story to this.

Original poster
pallindromeemordnillap · 08/08/2024 02:08

Imo there is no issue with saying “please remember to put the clip on”.

But after hearing her go on and on I had had enough!

Its just weighing on my heart that I may have reminded her of her mortality

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 08/08/2024 02:08

Well you've given her more ammunition. The whole "I'll be dead soon" etc will be added in to her repartee. But YANBU.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 08/08/2024 02:05

She won’t be eating that box of cereal in one year never mind 15. YABU. Stale cereal sucks.

You sound like you have unresolved issues, or childhood trauma. You said it to get back at her🤷🏼‍♀️

snackatack · 08/08/2024 02:04

Esme32 · 08/08/2024 02:01

That's your mother...

Some mother are horrid

Ihopeithinkiknow · 08/08/2024 02:04

That is something I would say tbh I'm sick of seeing people moaning and whining about things that really do not matter

Esme32 · 08/08/2024 02:01

That's your mother...

Flavabobble · 08/08/2024 01:57

Outright nasty thing to say.