Any advice for finding a care home for elderly mother.

As a nurse who works in a care home I would say that the first vibes you get when you first visit is the best advice.
Do the carers look happy and have banter with the residents?
Don’t be taken in by the decor..beautiful flower arrangements etc doesn’t tell you anything about the care !!
Look at the companies finances ,ask to look in the kitchen,menu etc .
Ask the carers about how long they have worked there …happy carers =happy home!
You really need to be very enquiring to check out if the home is happy and not money grabbing!! Sorry if I am very cynical but it’s my experience that answers your questions.

Don't dismiss your DM not joining in activities, people can change when they move into a care home and you might be surprised about how she adapts to her new home.

Does she have enough money to self fund for a long time? Have you looked into how expensive it is? You don’t want to move her into a home and then run out of money. If she hasn’t been assessed by social services as needing full time care then they won’t fund it and she would have to leave the home. Usually SS would try all preventative services first such as aids/adaptations and additional care calls before a care home would even be considered

At ours, it was in the contract that if they developed raging dementia that you understood you’d have to find somewhere else…In practice the place was full of delightfully dotty old ladies who probably couldn’t have reliably told you what year it was but there was no shouting or screaming or other distressing dementia symptoms.

Where are you based?
I work in a small, charity run care home and it's just lovely - lots of long term staff, amazing food and a generally lovely environment, also currently only 1 resident with dementia so I'm not entirely sure where a pp was coming from.
Def visit a few and get a general feel for them and their staff, you know your Mum best so will have a better idea of what type of place will suit her best.

My mum was in a miserable place (Bupa) my MIL was on a wonderful one (council-run, but she was self funding).

The differences? The staff at the BUPA one didn't acknowledge us when we visited, and we never saw them show any warmth to my mum. MIL's carers greeted us warmly, and even wanted to feed me every time, as they knew it was a more than 2.5 hour journey for me to get there. And they spoke to my MIL with such warmth and affection. Even when her dementia was advanced, they'd talk to her as if she could understand everything, sharing their family news, etc. And it wasn't performative for our visit, because we'd see them come on shift and greet and chat to other residents (all with dementia) in the same way.

The BUPA one was dark and dingy, the council one modern and full of natural light.

The BUPA one had a rapid turnover of staff, the council one had carers who'd been there for many years and who loved their job, and knew every resident and their families.

I'd arrive to find my mum in dirty clothes and with dried on food on her face. My MIL would be carefully dressed in beautifully laundered toning colours, and when they needed to buy anything for her, they'd buy it on the colours they knew she liked.

Never write off council run care homes.

If she doesnt have dementia keep her at home by having more care visits.

Our LA will only fund residential care if someone's not coping with 4 care visits a day.

You dont want her to self fund then that run out then the LA to say they won't pay!

She really isn't at the care home stage.

If you start to visit some you will be able to compare and feel which is right for your mother. As someone else mentioned think about where is best for her to be depending on who will visit most, but maybe you are all close. My dad was in an independent home with just 22 residents and many long term staff and no agency staff. They really got to know all residents and their families which meant they could talk to them about their families.
We have a lot of chain homes being built on new developments around us but they are very large and advertise hair salons, cinema rooms etc. I don't think many older residents have the concentration to watch whole films. A nice cosy lounge with TV or music was far more homely. Do check what activities they arrange too but be prepared that at that wonderful age she may not be up to very many activities for very long. Simple quizzes sitting in the lounge always went down well and visitors could join in too! You often get the feeling it is right as soon as you walk in.

Have a detailed think about what you think residential care will give her that she can't get at home, and/or what you are worried about happening if she carries on at home and/or what you think she is missing out on.

You might find the perfect residential home. But it may be that extra-care sheltered housing works better for her (there are quite a few of these being built now so they are still shiny and up to date), or more frequent carers, or a live in carer, or moving to a more suitable home.

Costs vary by room (some homes have a range from bedroom with shared bathroom to fancy suites) and by the amount of care needed. You won't get an accurate cost until you've identified a room and they've done an assessment but be prepared for £1000-£2000/week depending on location/swankiness/care needs.

I didn't say most, I said many.

When you visit it is worth trying to observe/find out what is done to help residents socialise with each other. This is really important for an elderly person who does not have dementia. My relative is lonely and would really like a friend in the home, but so many residents are non-verbal, or have dementia or, like my relative, have no mobility so they are stuck where the staff put them.

I love visiting clients in care homes. Have a look around a few, you'll get a feel quite quickly.

It also depends on what your mum likes to do. Does she want activities, singing, drinks in the bar etc. Or just peace and quiet? Some homes, I have to track clients down because they're in the kitchen, baking.

Another option is a home which has supported accommodation on site. So residents are more independent but still go to the main building for meals and entertainment. They can have a broader mix of resident.

And it isn't "many" elderly people who develop dementia, it just seems like it because social care funding for care homes is so difficult to get for "just" frailty.

It's 1 in 6 people over 80, rising to 1 in 3 of those over 90. Which means the majority of elderly people don't have dementia and won't develop it.

My parents are in a home that has 3 sections, depending on mental and physical health of the resident. Each section has a lounge and dining area. My dad is in the dementia unit and my mother (who is early stage dementia) is in the other ground floor unit but can go to sit/have coffee/eat with my dad at any time. Ask about activities too. We have two dedicated activities staff and the residents can go to any activities they fancy. We feel so lucky dad's social worker placed him there (before our POAs came through) and she said the council typically let them stay there when their funds run out. Worth asking SS about that too.

It wasn't a home that could support residents with dementia, so they'd have had to move to a different home.

But if they are elderly, many of the residents will develop dementia. What would happen then?

As she is 95, even if she doesn’t need nursing level care now I think it’s wise to find a care setting that would be able to accommodate possible future needs. They will almost certainly have a questionnaire to determine what level they feel your mum is at now.

Relative is in a 5 * and is able to pay for now. Visiting is very pleasant. Cheaper one was old Victorian dark house and not so nice feel. Maybe there is something in between .

Go visit All in your locality which have vacancies to get a feel
Ask costs
Some rooms might be cheaper
Ask about meals and visit when activities are happening and when not

Most care homes politely ask prospective residents if they have enough private funds for two years.

Look for ones that are dual registered for nursing as well as residential care. As things progress and her needs increase it can save another stressful move.