Anyone have a relative in a mcarthey stone? Need advice

I wass wondering about the hospital appointments too. Does she get picked up by hospital transport?

Blimey - if she has always been like this it must be truly terrible for you. My Mum was very needy in the last few years of her life and it was horrible for her and I but previously she had lived on her own quite happily. Very set in her ways but bumbling along just fine.

Then she fell and broke her hip and was never the same again.

Does she still keep her hospital appointments?

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Sounds really difficult. She's obviously stubborn as hell and basically a danger to herself and others.

I'm with a PP in that you need to take a massive step back - let the chips fall where they may - and not let your kids and husband fall by the wayside, so to speak. They are your nr.1.

Maybe some counselling for you to order your thoughts about it all....?

Wishing you much strength to deal with it all.

(My mum had dementia for 7 years).

They usually allow a pet if you already have one but not usually allowed to get a new pet.

I agree - Mum's did but I am trying to make the point that if you sign a document and you agree to the said documents T&C's then you cannot then choose to ignore them. If it says you need to allow access then that is what needs to happen. You cannot lock yourself into a house and pretend you are OK when clearly you arent!

They do allow pets in some.

When you sign a lease you agree to certain policies i.e no pets. You cannot just ignore this. The Mother is clearly unwell and probably with dementia

Black - what would you like them or the OP to do

My DM is in a flat. When she first moved in, in the paperwork you complete on arrival you can give permission for the house manager to enter your property if you have not been seen or heard from in 3 days I think, or if similar concern. You are always meant to notify them if you are going to be away.

There are terms of the lease you have to uphold.

The brochures etc for places like this are very clear that this is for independent living not care home type facility.

If they try any sh1t with you op I would make them aware that I will have no hesitation in going public. As pointed out by a previous poster they will not want any bad publicity!

I was going to say that the lease on the flat will be tailored to an elderly parent living in it.

The development will have experienced things like this before and will be firm and clear what needs to happen. Of course as a PP says - they dont want to be accused of turfing out an elderly person but she doesnt sound safe living there.

Have SS been involved etc? One dept on their own trying to help doesnt always work but lots of them will make a difference.

Your Mum sounds ill and desperately trying to hide what is happening. Be prepared for a real mess once access is gained. Do the development have a master/spare key? I suspect if they give notice to inspect your Mum will just put the chain on.

I did hear from one of of girls in Mum's development that if they really need to get in they can knock, if Mum doesnt answer they could go on for Health and Safety reasons. They had someone similar who had actually fallen and not been seen for a day or so they let themselves in. Unoffically they looked out for people who were regular lunch goers but one day didnt appear.

Mum has passed now but quite honestly I was sick of the whole thing. Only sibling in the UK, phone calls late at night to say they had fallen. We of course need a seperate conversation about quality of life and the way we often prolong life (and pat ourselves on the back about it).

@Edinlassy I think they can start eviction proceedings if she is not following the terms of the lease. I'd imagine that is a very slow process though, and they'll be reluctant due to poor publicity. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Edin - yep. Very familiar story. The ones I met who had brought claimed they were fine living on their own and children had forced them into one! For the right person they are good places. Bistro on site, laundry help, cleaning of flat once a week. Other people who feel like you. Quiz nights, keep fit classes, hair salon on site along with beauty treatments. You can even bring your pet and rent a car parking place BUT leave it too late and you won’t last very long in one.

As I said before. They just leave it too late. They aren’t care homes, they don’t pick people off the floor, they either call you or the paramedics. Elderly people can be frustratingly stubborn bordering on just plain daft. If you leave the tap running you need to sort it out.

Their business model isn’t infeasible. It’s our error to move too late in life. They make good profits and there are loads of people who want shiny and new and completely ignore that they have just left that decision far too late in life.

Surely this means that their business model is unfeasible? The target market is elderly people and when we are elderly almost none of us downsize at the right time it is always left too late. And of course they stay too long, the older we get the greater our impulse to stick with the familiar.

Good for you op, and shame on the staff for trying to make it your problem. You sound like you’ve done all you can under very difficult circumstances.

As @Tracker1234 says they are not designed for people who have dementia or who need long term care. They are like having your own flat but with the security of a house manager on site, but that house manager is not there for care needs, you still need to be reasonably independent. Too many people either move in too late or stay too long. My DM is in one and she has watched residents go from being able to able to join in with all activities and have full mobility to being stuck in their flat not being able to get out unaided and living a very lonely life.

My DM had a good time at M&C. However they are for independent living not for people who have dementia or need to be picked up when they fall.

That is not what they offer to do and if someone is constantly falling they are not the right palce for them. My observations of the development is that people move in far far too late at late 80's and even worse they choose to buy. Noone should be buying a new property at 88! But people do and then the family and the resident themselves wonder why they only lasted there for a year.

Never never buy. Mum rented and it suited her but people get carried away with the new shiny apartment and move in. Selling them is very tricky because by default they are only able to sell them to other 70 plus people. All of that seems to be ignored.

If you dont like what they offer then avoid but certainly around they are proving very popular.

If you really really want to buy then look at a second hand one. Remember the service charge is still payble once the person has passed on or left until its actually sold.

Of course someone with dementia isnt right for M&C or realisticaly anywhere they requires independent living. At Mum's development there was a lady who had mild dementia which grew and she really wasnt safe on her own. She used to knock on people's doors late at night fell often and left the taps on in her kitchen to overflow.

Mum eventually had to leave because her needs were getting more complex so a care home was the next stage for her. I made that decision. It was clear that independent living was not possible for her.

I haven't heard good things about them. I have heard of somebody in a housing association flat being asked to leave as she was a danger to other residents. Dementia related.

I wouldn't make their life easier. They are raking it in with their extortionate service charges and unfair t & c's. If she is being careless with cigarettes that could start a fire. Try ringing Age UK and see what they say.