How do I stop feeling resentful?

I get a sense the patient is already controlling the OPs life.

When I was looking after my relative after their hospital discharge, I made a rule with them that from 2pm to 4pm I was ‘off’ ( even if I spent that time watching Tv in my bedroom, I was not ‘in’.) A bit of push back, until I pointed out that in hospital there was a nurse ( several shifts) a kitchen with cooks, a ward orderly to clean, the physio and a very nice woman who pushed a trolley with newspapers and chocolate on it and would stop for a chat. At home there was me.

luckily they cooperated. If your relative won’t, you are going to have to leave the house for your break time. If they want someone there 24/7 , they must accept other help.

BTW the infection thing is batshit and sounds like control freak to me.

It's hard but you've got to be honest with them. Either they let you have a break occasionally by getting in some help and allowing you some down time, stop with the emotional blackmail and stop dictating what you can do when you go out or you're leaving and they'll have to go back to hospital.

If they pull the same shit as this morning just say goodbye, leave and call social services. You've already done over and above what most people would do.

YABU, you've been manipulated here. If they truly didn't have enough money to pay for help it would have been forthcoming.

The rest of it, I feel for you. I'd start going out for short periods for a break.

I think sooner rather than later, as poster would get help working out what she is willing and able to do. This is meant to be short term but parent might end up controlling all of OP's life going forward

And when the dust settles on this episode, look at the site mentioned by another poster above, Out of The Fog. A pinch point is not a good time to start enforcing boundaries based on decades of expected ways of behaving, but when that passes take the time to work on those issues, before the next episode happens .

The options mentioned above need to be explored - the care available post surgery (re-enablement?), and also some private care options need to be looked at, even 1 hour a day.
Why the 6am starts? Are there meds that need to be given at that hour? If not, I'd start there and move that out to 7am, non negotiable. Or else a private carer does it if the patient wont budge.

Hire a private carer to give you a break.

This is not normal caring . Sounds like you're dealing with somebody very difficult. It's very difficult to say no when you have been brought up like this 💐
Suggest you have a look at the Out of the fog website for some ideas

How are you OP? If your person can't afford private carers, I'd recommend speaking to their GP or the hospital ward they were on to find out about adult social services. You can't go on like this!

I’m my mum’s carer but her needs are fairly minimal. They mainly involve her entertainment - she needs to talk about crap constantly. It feels like I have an alien attached to my head with its tendrils worming their way into my brain. She’s so so needy and I’m an introvert with very limited energy….all of which is being drained by her.

Anyway, I probably sound like a bitch. But the point is that they lose their empathy (if they ever had any to begin with) and if there’s no one else around to help support you, then you have to do that for yourself. If you don’t set boundaries and enforce them, you’ll snap or your body will make the decision it’s had enough and you’ll become ill.

Why are you doing this anyway? There is absolutely no way that I’ll be wiping my mother’s bum.

Poor you it sounds a nightmare. I did four days for my husband post a foot op and that was enough. It is relentless and suffocating as you say.
You are on duty from 6am it sounds exhausting. Surely your parent is improving post op and regaining their abilities. Make sure you aren't encouraging dependence, I mean that kindly but I'm sure by this stage your parent could be attempting to wipe their own bottom.

You need to take time and nap, chill and have time on your own to recharge your batteries.

I'm guessing this is your mother by the nasty little things she is saying, but jeez not spending enough time with her! What more could you possibly give you are giving your every waking minute to her.

You have my full sympathy but please don't keep doing this for another 4-6 weeks. As one single person it is physically impossible and you will burnout physically and mentally. Please step away and look into reablement and such services. Look after yourself xx

I am so sorry OP. You are not horrible.

The hospital and social care team should have sorted this out. Referral to re-enablement service, plus provision of aids. I am not sure what can be done retrospectively but I would definitely investigate this. Age UK can be helpful.

Next time- and there will absolutely be a next time- you say ' this is an unsafe discharge. I cannot provide the care s/he needs'. Grey rock.

Check out cockroach cafe on the elderly parents thread asap. Many in the trenches on there, as well as some graduates.

Strength to you.

You're not selfish. They should have either kept them in hospital longer or arranged some help on their exit. Has someone said they have carers at home? Or was it assumed?

It always make me mad when they say oh I don't want strangers doing this for me, they did it in hospital for them with no complaints. I don't know why it should change at home.

Do you normally live there? What about your own house?

What do you normally do with your time? Could you maintain at least some of that for your own sanity eg work, volunteering, meeting with friends, exercise class?

I wouldn't be able to do what you're doing so hats off to you, nothing to feel guilty about.

Is there any reason why you didn't access carers rather than take it all on yourself?

Your relative is behaving like a child but you are reacting as if they are your parent. I guess they are?

Instead of getting resentful you need to get tough. You need to look after yourself, mentally and physically. Yes you will help them out, but not all by yourself; and yes you will spend some time with them but not all the time. You can't be at their beck and call 24/7. That ways lies not just resentment but illness for you, and what help will you be then? Blank out the guilt-tripping. If that's their style then it's no wonder you didn't used to have a good relationship.

As for germs, you can't live like a prisoner to keep them feeling safe. Has a doctor told you that your relative needs to be isolated? Take sensible precautions against infection but not more than a carer would take.

Nobody wants to be cared for by strangers but sometimes it is necessary. Your relative needs to get used to carers because they may need care again in future and sooner or later you wont be able to do it all for them. Now is the time to start putting some of the help they need (but don't want) in place so they have time to adjust and start getting used to it as they recover.

They are crying a lot because they say I’m not spending enough time with them and it’s lonely for them etc, which I do understand, hence the guilt for needing some time away. I am getting lots of little comments like ‘oh you’re on your phone I won’t waste my breath talking to you.’

You are feeling exhausted because they will never turn to you and say, thanks you did a great job and I’m fine just watching tv for an hour or so. They will only ever try to guilt you into giving more and more of yourself until you will actually get sick. Nothing you do will be enough to make them happy and it’s mentally exhausting to be on such a hopeless treadmill.
This is a good time to practice boundaries where you get to be the one who decides how much time they get. They will be miserable either way but at least you will stay sane.

You need to contact the hospital or SS and explain you can't do all of this. I had to say no to this - no way could I afford to take 6 weeks off work to go and live with them to provide care after an operation. Although there was a bizarre assumption this was an entirely reasonable thing to ask of me!

They got two weeks in residential care, then four weeks at home with carers.

Get in touch with their gp and adult social services, they should have had a care needs assessment, home and financial assessment , reablement or home care set up before they went home. You or someone will have to tell them this is unsustainable and they either get carers, equipment, adaptations in or they need to go to a carehome or rehab unit to recover. There's no way you can carry on like this.

You are a good person op. I won't do this for my parents. Could you have left your relative in hospital? I would do that. Worried about how much the system might try to force caring on me. No way, I'm not a caring person.

Absolutely this. Hospital should have set this up prior to discharge. My mother needed same amount of care following hospital discharge from breaking her arm. She had told hospital staff that she didn’t need need any assistance her daughter would do it all.
I was working full time at the time and no chance that I could take 4-6 weeks leave to provide the care my mother needed. She had the hospital arrange care and it went well. Get on to the hospital and tell them you can’t go on doing this.
good luck

Unfortunately, you got sucked into this rather than just saying "no". In which case, as mentioned, carers would have been arranged.
Just try to cut back as much as possible and speak to Social Services and/or charities re any help they can give. It's absolutely not your job to do any of this, OP.