How do I stop feeling resentful?

There is no reason for her not to agree to this, she still gets to get up at 6am, you get a rest but she is still complaining and always will. I don't think you should stop feeling resentful, you should resent her.

You need to stop listening to her and letting her have a say, tell her what's happening and when she kicks off just walk away. Treat her like a child.

OP nothing you do will ever be good enough. Listen to yourself. You're being steam rollered here presumably by your mother. You can bleed yourself dry and she'll be ungrateful and you'll be guilty or you can get outside help and she'll be ungrateful and you'll feel guilty but at least you won't be dead with stress.

She's being an ungrateful bitch. I don't usually use bad language in here. You were well within your rights to tell her to F off the first hour you began to dance attendance on her

......you can feel resentful.....I do

I have a similar one, a care refuser not keeping their end of a bargain. Time to get tough. And OP it is a chore, you shouldn't have to paint a happy face on uf your ot happy. I don't, I just do what needs doing and get out of the room. I serve the food, then leave, support with dressing then leave the room if having a bad day. I'm honest with her about my feelings and tell her if she wants anything else then she'll have to pay.

Yes, my mother had quite a long period of free care when she came out of hospital. I think everyone is entitled to it regardless of income. Perhaps they could do the early morning slot.
I do not have a great relationship with my mother but even if I did, I would not be physically caring for her. If you need care you don’t get to decide who does it. You don’t choose in hospital and you don’t choose when you come out.
We have already had this discussion with our adult children and told them we don’t want them ruining their lives for us. This relative doesn’t sound like a nice person.

They would be entitled to a period of free care through reablement. You need to speak to the discharge team or social services.

Also you might be entitled to some free care post hospital stay and that can usually be set up quite quickly but you wouldn’t have choice of company.

Care companies can be very good at helping you to navigate the system.

Adult social services may be able to get carers in place now she is out of hospital.

I would also be putting in a complaint to the hospital as she should not have been sent home without arrangements for
commode etc.

Op

I don't know where you live

In England, if someone has been in hospital & requires help after they leave
They could have up to 4 calls per day from carers for I believe 6 weeks.

After a certain time period any further care may need to be paid for.
Did you not ensure that there was a care plan before discharge?
You can still request a care plan via the hospital or social services

Secondly, you are allowed a life
You can leave & go when & where you want to
There are currently zero health restrictions
So go shopping, go for a walk, exercise, socialise, work, family etc

Great that you've had a more relaxing day but don't feel guilty, do you live with her. Don't pander to her, why can't she sit with the others, face time, speak with them on the phone if she's feeling lonely.

You are doing something very hard and I think you are making it harder for yourself than it needs to be.

You do not need to wait attendance 100% on this person - if they had carers it would not be this frequent, more likely 4 times a day - they also would not be able to dictate when you came to see them - and it is very unlikely to be 6am.

You need to stop being manipulated by tears.

You need to go out and give yourself a break - it does not sound that they need care 100% of the time - they might prefer that, but it does not sound absolutely necessary.

You are letting yourself be run ragged by someone who seems to be enormously selfish. Stop. They have to compromise on what they want. You need to have this conversation - they will cry.

They do not get everything their own way. You must establish boundaries on your own space and time or you will burn out.

Crikey, you tried to negotiate a later get up and the response you got from her!

I'd be having a lie in until 10am every day from now on or going for a night in a hotel.

If she wants to get up at 6am then she needs to have a carer who is there at 6am. Not you.

I'd have told her to fuck off and left if l was spoken to like that!

This is very good advice.

You aren't being selfish. And I realise it's hard but try not to feel bad.
Let them cry if they need to. It's miserable having to recover from something like this.
Give them a hug. Tell them you love them (if you do) and tell them what you need to happen.

This is too much for you op.

I looked after a parent who had a hip operation recently and even though we get along like a house on fire, it was hard work. So I appreciate this would be much harder with a difficult person.

First of all, I only stayed a couple of nights. They don't need you there for weeks.

Why are they getting up at 6? Can they sleep later?

My parent was able to walk to the shower and wash themself, whilst I stood nearby and helped with the hairwashing, passing soap, shampoo etc Could you try that so that they are as independent as possible?

I made sure they were dressed (helping get the pressure socks on & off) by passing them clothes and only helping if they really couldn't manage something.

Then dried their hair for them and waited/watched them walk downstairs to the living room.

They needed to do physio every day to speed recovery - does your relative have exercises to do?

I then would leave them lunch, hang a wash up for them etc... and go home to do my actual job.

Then I'd come back at dinner time to cook for them, wash up & see them upstairs to bed.

They would read, do the crossword, listen to the radio, watch TV, chat to friends on their phone whilst I was out.

My main thought was to get them back to independence asap.

Would this approach help at all?
You need some time for yourself op or you will explode.

I hope that some of my experience might help. You are doing a really hard job. And well done to you for trying!

You poor soul I really feel for you but I suspect it is only going to get worse. I think as you try to step back she will ramp up the emotional manipulation. She sounds a master of it, has she always been self centred and difficult?

There is a reason nurses work set shifts, you need time off and a break, you can't do it alone.

You cant provide all the care needed by your mother with no break. 24hr a day 7 days a week.

Are you going to take up any of the good suggestions mentioned here like reablement?

I'm afraid this set up is going to destroy you

She's manipulative and selfish. Of course she's a burden! You're doing everything for her! Even if you enjoyed doing it and she wasn't an arsehole she'd be a burden.

My neighbour has carers come in 3 times a day. In the morning they get her up, fix her breakfast and put her in a chair. Lunchtime, it's lunch and personal care, dinner time the same then into bed. Do the bare minimum until social services sort something out then walk away and go no contact.

Nothing you do will ever be good enough for her. You're caring for her all day every day and she still wants more. She doesn't give a shit about what it's like for you, only what it's like for her. Has she ever asked you how you slept? How you're coping with all this work and stress? Whether she can do anything to make YOUR life easier? No, only complains that you're not doing enough.

I work in Social Services reablement - your relative absolutely should have been offered this kind of service on discharge. Our workers will visit up to 4 times a day for up to six weeks, and provide all the services you describe.

The service is initially free (there is a point at which it would potentially become chargeable but that is explained at the outset) and it is not the same as having 'carers'. Our work can look the same as care, but we actively encourage independence. So the bottom-wiping, for instance, we would be looking at the barriers to someone being able to do that for themselves and seeking to address those barriers.

If I were you, I would contact adult social services tomorrow and explain the situation. We often accept referrals for people who have been discharged from hospital into the care of a genuinely well-intentioned relative who has found the reality of the role they have accepted to be too much.

Oh totally, which is why I wonder if now is a good a time as any to looking into OOTF. I think we were in agreement with everything but the timing. But I know what you're saying about it being difficult to do when you're in the thick of it 💐

She's guilt tripping you and the other family know it so are keeping away. Do you live with her normally or moved in to help. What is your relationship to her, is she paying you. I'd be onto adult social services first thing in the morning, she needs an urgent care assessment, you tell them the current situation has broken down.

You should get 6 weeks emergency care on discharge. Get back the GP/social services and ask for help. There should have been an assessment at the hospital? You need to get some help.

I did this for 3 months to get my dm back on her feet after illness. She had nobody else and it was a pleasure to help her but some tips from me: 1. tell the person what time YOU will be up and able to help them from, stick to it and only go to them at that time to start your day of helping. 2. When it comes to personal care start distancing yourself ever so slightly, encourage them to be doing more for themself. 3. Get into a routine of when they're up for the day and have eaten and in front of TV or radio pop out of the house. I used to go out for an hour in the day and an hour early evening after dinner but before having to get them to bed. Don't be answerable to where and what you're doing, just say that you need the exercise and going for a walk. 4. When it comes to the tears and emotional side, be encouraging, kind and try and be as lighthearted as you can. It's likely your relative is scared so proactively talk about things they can do when they're 'better', allow them to be excited about focusing on the future 5. Look into all and every type of support you and they need for going forward. Make the calls (out of earshot) and present the options to them as one or the other but make it clear you have to return to your normal life 6. When you've done bedtime routine and they're settled zone out in front of TV and phone for a while, catch up on your life and keep a list of things you'll be doing for yourself as soon as you can. 7. Keep calm and carry on
You're doing a great job and you sound very kind, go easy on yourself and remember it is temporary.