PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

No solutions, but many commiserations. "My son will do that" - or more often "my daughter" is all too common an expression of denial by older people who are really needing support but still have the agency to push it forcefully away. I really sympathise having been through the same.

My only advice is to keep in mind through all the noise from others about how you'll have to help/ought to help/ought to want to help etc, is that relationships really suffer when they start revolving around care. In my experience, even if your DH wanted and was able to run up and down the country providing them with every service, it will end up completely trashing his feelings towards them and (looking ahead) his memories of them. I don't think that can ever be a good thing.

People saying let DH cope alone, don't go with him etc. do sound rather callous. My parents lived 2 hours away, and for the last few years my husband and I went every week, to get them fish and chips for lunch and help with various small tasks. When dad died, we visited mum every week till covid stopped us. Fortunately my sister lived nearby and did a lot to help. My point is, my husband and I were a team, and supported each other through it all. When dad was dying, mum was also in hospital and while I sat with dad Peter sat with mum and held her hand. We always had each other's backs, right up until Peter's death two years ago.
Dealing gwith old, frightened, confused parents is very hard, but Peter would never have left me to deal with it alone.

You have to be very firm with boundaries with old people especially if dementia is involved.

You cannot go more than 1 weekend a month. They need carers for daily support. If they can’t find a good care agency the other alternative is a retirement village near where they live now (monthly visits from you) or near where you live so you can drop in more regularly.

Those are the options. Rinse and repeat.

At the end of the day they've made their choice and now it's up to you to make your choice OP. I wouldn't be going before Aug 17th which is only 3 weeks away anyway. Your DH needs to grow a back bone and tell his mother that you can't do an 8 hour round trip every weekend and they need to let the carers help out as you can only come once a month (or whatever). They've told the carers that their son does everything because he currently does.

I think hard as it is you should stick to that date, they’re sadly blackmailing you here.

Your DH needs to say ‘we’re not coming until 17 Aug as you know, the carers can come regularly before that to help - that is the help available before then but you have to accept this help and not cancel them’ .

OP I sympathise. Your H needs to not buckle. Being soft and feeling guilty is not going to change things.

The only way to resolve this is tough love. Telling your MIL you will see her on the 17th and no earlier.

If she makes noises about needing help with XYZ, then remind her that was what the carers were for. That she cancelled them, so presumably she doesn't need help. That you cannot help because you live too far away. And that if she does need help then she needs to use the carers. Rinse and repeat - it's the only way you will get through.

Sounds cruel but actually this is what you must persuade DH to do. of course he will feel miserable and guilty but what other practical solution is there? What happens to people who don't have family?

It's all very well for people to say 'Oh, the family should look after their old folk'. Sometimes it's like this, and it's so exhausting and stressful.

We have similar with PiL. They live near one sister, we are 200 miles away. MiL has Alzheimers - PiL is beginning to struggle with everyday things. They have carers but FiL is verbally abusive to them, claiming that they're interfering, they're not needed etc etc..Last week, SiL had a week off so had booked lots of nice things to do for herself - treats she rarely gets. So PiL wouldn't wear his incontinence pads and soiled himself twice. She got no time off as he was phoning non stop asking when she was coming to help.

I know everybody gets old but I just find him so selfish.

No OP, not “we’ll try to stick to that”. Next visit 17th August end of

Do they have a cleaner? If DH is retired can he go up in person on his own and go through again with MIL what is needed and why she struggled with the carer? Could he be there when a carer comes in?
This is a big step for your in-laws and MIL may be finding it overwhelming

Yes, it really is how my marriage works. DH visits his mum alone every 4 weeks or so, and I take the DC to visit in the school holidays (so 3 or 4 times a year). There's no point all of us going every time, DH would agree with that. Similarly I'll do the lion's share if/when my parents need more support. We've been happily married for 20 years btw.

It'll break you if you try caring for them especially being four hours away. Like people have suggested take a deep breath, step back and let the next few days/weeks unfold. I would show your husband our comments, nobody cares for the carers, I've seen plenty crumble unfortunately.

Its not callous at all. Not everyone has close relationships with their parents and wants to dedicate all of their time to them. We have other commitments such as jobs and children. And 4 hours away, its not around the corner.

If not done so already apply for attendance allowance. This will take the financial element away if they say they can't afford it. This is what the money is for - to get additional help. Find out what would be most helpful to them as you can get companionship for MIL not just care for FIL.

Speaking from experience, sometimes it needs to all fall apart before change happens unfortunately.

When dh has to go and sort things out himself over there he will more likely arrange outside help than if you go along and do everything... Stay home op. Until your pre arranged visit..

It’s not so easy as telling them the carers are coming or reinstating the carers against PILs wishes. The carers can’t barge their way in and insist on completing their duties and the PILs will not necessarily see the light if they continue to struggle.

I had a battle with my mum who had Alzheimer’s over carers. I wanted them to help her take her morning medication, get her some breakfast and then return in the evening to check on her and make her some dinner. She hated it, particularly the evening visits and would lie to them about already having eaten and turn them away. They didn’t believe her (rightly) but she would not let them in the house. Ultimately I cancelled the evening visits myself as it was futile. I had to accept that she just wasn’t going to eat in the evenings.
Thankfully she did let them help her take her meds in the morning and make her a cup of tea and weetabix.

OP, could you get them to agree to one or two small tasks that the carers can help them with. The most essential ones, just to build up trust and a relationship.

My mum had to go into care in the end because she just couldn’t live independently (and was having repeated falls). If she’d have accepted more help, it may have delayed this but I’ll never know.

That's not what I said, I wouldn't ignore the situation and make DH shoulder the mental load alone.
They do need local help, but that doesn't stop it from being stressful.

A line in the sand is needed. There is very little you can do from 4 hours away. Do you work, having children, pets etc? I’m guessing yes. They need to accept carers or the consequences. I wouldn’t swoop in, l would remind then them you are next going to visit in a few weeks and to have careers

I’m guessing they want you to move close by or move in with them. Again l wouldn’t recommend this either. You are allowed to have your own life. All of this could go on for years

I think ‘any sensible person’ is nurses, social care etc. not the parents.

And dementia is SMI if diagnosed by doctor

You'd take on a caring role for PILs who live 4 hours away?

My MIL is like this.
She cancelled the carers because they didn’t do anything helpful - she wanted them to clean they were employed to change her incontinence pads and help her get up.
She tells social services her DIL makes all her food - I do no such thing, DH takes her fish and chips every Saturday and I cook her a Christmas dinner.
She tells social services her son lives with her - he doesn’t we live 15 minutes away which is close but not the same as there in the middle of the night if she falls.
I’ve told DH he needs to tell them he doesn’t do these things but she has told him she will kill herself before she goes in a home and he believes her so we keep helping and are effectively running two households.