PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

Bit late reframing it now. Only one has dementia.

Exactly this.

Reframe it......

Do you know why they cancelled the carers? My Dad had dementia and would get really upset, angry and argumentative when carers came in and that had a massive impact on my mum and the rest of us. Just a thought. It’s so hard, hope you find a solution x

I meant to add, my dad is still alive and well (thank God) but I didn’t take 10 years off work.

I would imagine that poster who used the word ‘callous’ has either been very lucky with her parents, or her parents are still young, or she has absolutely no experience of the reality of an elderly sick parent.

I used to work with a woman and she found out my dad was very unwell, and she said ‘go home immediately and spend every minute with him’ and that was 10 years ago.

She had no idea either, but she does now.

My god the horror of not being "nice". How will the op cope.

Im not saying Op should look after her in laws! I don’t think at all! But visiting is different.
anyway she has clarified that she didn’t mean it

There will be more crises, unfortunately. It's inevitable.

Some carers are awful. I used to be a carer, and there were some individuals that if they have visited me for the first time, I would be refusing any other carers.

But carers and (relationships between carers and clients can) be a huge problem in itself.
If funds allow I would try and find a 'five star' or better type of home care service and be prepared to try several different carers or teams of carers out, as someone suggested upthread.
My late Aunt who had MS but no mental impairment sorted out her own live-in care for several years before she died after having had less than ideal experiences of carers arranged by SS. (private organisation linked to and used by SS.)
Luckily she was plugged into a local network who could recommend a cook/housekeeper and someone who slept in/did overnights. This was hugely expensive but she had the funds.
My late DM who had Alzheimers was absolutely vile to her carers when she was allocated them by SS, but said they were unreliable, never on time, only stayed 20 minutes before rushing off and she hardly ever saw the same person twice. It doesn't excuse how she treated them but I'm afraid this can be the reality of basic care these days.
If your PILs have money they should be strongly encouraged to use it to make life as easy as possible for them.

You do not understand power of attorney. It does not give you the right to dictate people have carers unless there was a capacity assessment. That is very unlikely if they are living independently.

This is not your problem to fix.

YOU will not be facilitating support. He's on his own until he talks to them properly.

You can not cope with it long term that's why you got the carers in the first place.

Your DH needs to step up and tell them that or he can deal with it alone. And he can risk his marriage for.

This is an untenable situation. At what point WILL they accept carers? That's your issue. If not now, when. It's not going to get better.

Can you get power of attorney? Contact social services and get them to do an assessment. Re-instate the carers and tell the carers they are only to deal with you. Total nightmare, I feel your pain.

Definitely this. Refuse to stand for it.

I think the crisis that caused all the extra visits must have abated (a sudden decline in FILs mental state)

Very possibly, OP, but be prepared for it to deteriorate again if they find out you mean it about not going until 17 August (and if your DH doesn't cave)

They've already learned that they can ride roughshod over whatever was put in place and doubtless see DH's early retirement as a major opportunity, so all you can do is try to persuade DH to be firm

Good luck with it though, because if he's not they'll run you all ragged

The OP and her husband live almost a day's travel away from his parents (an eight hour return journey).
What do you suggest they do?
Their own lives, (work, children, schools etc ) are no less important that those of their relatives who have chosen to dispense with help from outside carers in the expectation that their son and DIL will do it all, no matter how difficult or impractical it is.
I certainly hope I'm more understanding and less selfish when I'm in my 80s.

This is Elderly Parents topic not AIBU.

Its supposed to be somewhere people can vent a bit as well as ask for help on the labyrinthine hell which is "health" and "social care" for the elderly, parents struggling to accept traumatic and permanent life change and being (usually) women doing the heavy lifting at the sandwich stage of life.

OP: this popped up in active which is probably the source of some of the simplistic and sillier replies.

I think the advice to try and start with a cleaner might be a good one, DH has to step up - you can't do this for him and neither of you can care for someone 4 hours away. A cleaner might help with the transition period of coming to terms with needing help instead of being independent or a giver of help. Does DH have PoA for health and finance for his father or is that with MiL?

If you have regular contacts in the area it can be worth looking for a local independent carer rather than an agency as this can give better continuity of care with more flexibility in services. That flexibility can help with acceptance.

With this entitled attitude you will absolutely not have more "love and attention" in your 80s.
Adults should organize their own life and once they cannot cope accept offered help.
Demanding that your DIL moves and starts revolving her life about your bum and piss is utterly ridicilous.

It depends on how much day-to-day care they need.

If they've sent away one carer, there's scope for trying other carers from the same care agency. The best agencies will bring a carer to the client to introduce the carer to them and decide what help they need.

Or maybe you will need to try another care agency.

If they need help and are refusing it, you may need to get social services involved.

If you live several hours away, it's not feasible for you to visit very frequently. Arranging care remotely is what you can do to care for them.

@StopGo you said Had to go down the capacity route with help from social services. I had Power of Attorney and was able to use it.
I think I'm a bit dense but I don't really understand how poa,Health and\ Welfare ,gets a stubborn ,confused old person to co operate .
what was your experience ?

Also offering moral support. I’m sitting on train to visit elderly parents. Sister lives two hours away, I live a three hour flight and train journey. Dad in hospital atm. Since a fall in February we have had carers first four times and now twice daily. I understand the dilemmas.

my question is how did you get the carers? We had a list of providers from social services - it was a very long list but we narrowed it down by looking for somewhere local. They also have a few patients in the area. We interviewed two and chose the one that sounded the most flexible. Parents were not enthusiastic, but they took part in the interview. We went into details about what they wanted the carers to do. We get frustrated when mum says her feet are hurting but then won’t ask the carers to do the washing up. She is getting used to them though - and now three months later is not questioning that we have not cancelled even though dad is back in hospital. Maybe if your Dad is involved in the interview he will be more accepting. The other thought is if he is being rude to carers, is that out of character? Is it evidence of total confusion over the changes that are taking place and not in his control? Is it cognitive decline?

Our solution is that sister and I are taking turns to visit for a week every month. I am semi retired so have more time - but I have responsibilities (back home) to my daughters, nephews and some part time work that is rewarding. I would not go over the week unless there is a clear reason. This month it is that mum cannot get to hospital on her own - so I will stay longer. My choice because Dad is very frail.

There is great regret that they did not move nearer to one of us when they were in their eighties, but they were active with a good set of friends around.

Keep your resolve, you cannot be help to anyone if you drive yourself into the ground.

Not callous at all , possibly the shock the PIls need to make them realise they need some help, otherwise where does the family draw the line? they cannot be expected drop everything the moment PIL call .
I had to take a similar approach with an elderly relative (who i loved ) she quickly changed her mind when i pointed out that it was her choice to cancel the help.
Apart from caring for her i had a demanding job, 3 kids ,a husband ,pets ,a life !!
It's really not fair on anyone when elderly people cancel carers without thinking about the effects on all those concerned.

Not all carers are the same. it might be they didn't like who came.

We had to try three different companies before we found the right one for DM.

Once you get the right fit, it's like magic.

At the risk of sounding cold-hearted, I would personally completely detach yourself from this. You're working and looking after your own household etc. Your husband is retired. He should be ashamed to be leaving YOU making all these arrangements, and suffering all of this worry and stress for HIS parents.

Leave everything to him, and save yourself the stress. Honestly, these men are useless and just see their wives as "carers" because they're women, and it's "women's work", in their view.

You've tried your best OP, now you need to handover completely to your husband.

I sympathise - my father expected me to give up work and move in to look after him- not practical or financially viable!
Do you have POA?