PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

I had this experience with a friend of my elderly mother who had undiagnosed Alzheimer's. Her sons lived abroad and were next to useless. I finally stopped helping once my own beloved Mum had Cancer and my time (also working ft) was taken up with her. The sons had to step in at last and got some limited support as she was determined to stay in her home. My lovely Mum died, this lady had a series of falls (all preventable if she'd agreed to the support needed) and she broke her hip. She never came home again and died in a home miles from all her friends, so they couldn't visit. The moral of this? Know your limits and put your foot down now. These people are adults and have the right to make their decisions. Don't let their selfishness destroy your life. My mantra now is 'set boundaries' and I'm all the better for it.

@SierraSapphire cognitive decline…if that was the case I would happily drop everything. I have had 62 years of our mother’s awful behaviour. Everyone is now seeing her for what she has always been not the ‘isn’t your Mum fabulous’ narcissist. That said they can all scarper and we are stuck trying to navigate the fact she refuses any external help. I actually had a really early memory this week of making a pot of tea with my sister and us carrying up and leaving it outside her bedroom in the hope she might wake up a bit nicer. We were far from being in an abusive situation but definitely coercive behaviour to get her own way.

I can empathise my mother (87) did exactly the same. She had a spell in hospital early last year and was sent home ( too early in my opinion)with the support of rehabilitation carers supplied by the N.H.S. At first she accepted them , really because she was too ill and frail to do anything herself. When she felt better adult social care got her a care package now this new care company was a completely different kettle of fish. She resented them in the house wouldn't let them wash her, dress her or do anything saying 'my daughter does that' I didn't. We tried a different care company she was the same. In the end we had to cancel them .To be honest I thought why are we paying nearly a thousand pounds a month. So now Family visit as much as possible and we just manage it's not ideal but a lot better than the grief I got with the carers .I know it's a bit different to you as Myself and other family members are close by. I have spoken to adult social care and if she doesn't want them there's nothing we can do.

God this is so, so selfish. Why do elderly parents do this?

Mine, I think it's because she wants to save all the money she possibly can to give to me and DB as inheritance. I keep telling her it's not money I need it's time and space to be able to live my own life and maintain my own health, but she doesn't seem to hear it. I've given up on my business partly because the constant crises make me too flaky to be reliable, and I am taking a job, which also has the benefit of being able to say I am at work and I cannot do anything like my DB does.

God this is so, so selfish. Why do elderly parents do this? I suppose it could be a decline in cognitive function, meaning they're not making good decisions, because it just makes no sense. I am so determined to buy in as much support as I can when I'm older so that I am not a burden in anyway to my children. Spend quality time together hopefully, but I don't want them to be my carer.

There needs to be more carers like you two! I was also like this, and as a social worker now it’s pretty frustrating that some home carers lack these skills.

not really much point in doing that. The PiL still needs to agree and can still refuse them entry

@BlueLegume mine went through a phase of obsessing about me doing her ironing for her. She wanted me there every week, from 2-3 hours away, doing jobs including the ironing.

I barely iron anything of my own so wasn't about to start doing her entirely unnecessary ironing!

You sound wonderful ❤️ ex carer here too. You are my kind of shift buddy!

DH not do

Hi op,

sending hugs…

it isn’t easy to age and « need » someone, a stranger to do stuff for you.
It is really to your do to decide what he wants to do. Of course, that would mean on HIS time and not just putting his load on you without a prior agreement but if he wants to … which I think he is (hence he doesn’t say no), then there is hardly anything you can do.

however, as you leave far. It is a concern that they would need 4h to be reached…that someone would come around every 2/3 weeks. It is just not workable that way.

Good luck 🌺

Sometimes you have to be angry with them and tell them exactly what their decisions are doing. I had to with my Nan. She now loves her carers and wouldn’t be without them

@EmotionalBlackmail I know. That is my point. They are adults and make their own decisions, wise or unwise.

It's not as simple as that though. Someone with capacity can still make unwise decisions, or refuse to acknowledge that the way they choose to live depends on their child doing x, y and probably z as well for them.You can't just put someone in a home, or make them have carers if they don't want to.

It's different with children. You're meant to protect them and SS would have words if you didn't! Whereas elderly parents can be merrily driving around in lethal cars (no toddler does that!) refusing to stop driving. They have their own money and can spend it how they like. Even if that's on scams instead of carers!

But why would they have to? What would happen if you ALL said "I'm busy". "It's too far". "I'll see you next Friday".

@AvrielFinch thank you. Sometimes I need to hear this from those of you wise enough to have navigated a similar path. Also, to lighten the mood I do hope I did not insult any readers of Celia Imrie fiction!!!

@BlueLegume It does sound like you really need to step away. I think it is helpful to be clear and open if you can and say from this date I will only do x, y and z. Maybe do a weekly food delivery if she pays for it (do it online from your home), change light bulbs i.e. essential things you need to stand on a ladder from, take her to hospital appointments, help her find a gardener, cleaner and some clubs if she wants them. But apart from that you will only be visiting x hours however frequently. Then you have to stick with it.
A small word of warning, you will probably have to hear at some point her hinting to a medic e.g. in hospital, that you will not help. And have that medic glance at you as if you are an uncaring bitch. You will also when things do get bad have medics wanting you to step up more as it is easier for them than putting care packages in place. You have to just say no and let it wash all over you.

@AvrielFinch @TorroFerney absolutely sound comments. I naively keep thinking we will have a ‘breakthrough’ but every time we visit there are another few things she says she now ‘can’t’ do so you find yourself popping some washing in, she criticises the cycle you pick. You find yourself filling her freezer with really good ready meals - she decides she doesn’t want to use stuff from the freezer. You provide lovely ready meals and some batch cooked made by my sister and some soups by me. They are ‘too salty’ or ‘too bland’. Lovely Waitrose easy cook meals, too salty. Lovely mini Higgedy quiches - ‘revolting’. I am going to step back after a thankless day yesterday where I did a few loads of washing even demonstrated how to use the machine, she knows how and I have added step by step instructions she chooses not to so she can play on the ‘look at my tatty underwear’ - it is not tatty at all but she does love a visual. I took some magazines of things she might like, some puzzle books some light hearted fiction books sort of beach reads think Celia Imrie type nothing taxing. All rejected. It really does feel like she expects us , especially my sis and I to basically do everything. She didn’t approve that when we both took early retirement and then went on some long trips. She and DF who was still ok at that point kept trying to get us to take them out a few times a week. They were painful then so even if we did it was just a moanfest. I am going to take it a day at a time and stay away for a while. I have left enough food for around 2 weeks if she uses it wisely. She has always been incredibly controlling but it is manifesting itself completely off the scale at the moment. I do think a day at a time is the best way and perhaps wait for the crisis? I must add other than having lost weight she is in rude health and currently looks 10 years younger than me!!

You are choosing that. I’m not saying it’s an easy choice to not help as she wants it but you do have a choice. Don’t do it. Between guilt and resentment choose guilt every time

@BlueLegume I would say no. It does not really matter if the windows are not clean or the grass not mowed anyway. If you are confident she can get food I would leave her to get it. If not I would say to her I can help her sign up for a weekly delivery of frozen meals she can cook and food she can eat straight from the fridge such as quiche. I would offer to help her hire a cleaner, but if she says no I would leave her to it. When I visited I would only clean anything that was an active health hazard like overflowing kitchen bins, everything else I would leave.
I have experienced this. FIL refused help and ran his daughter ragged whilst refusing carers. She gave him a date when she would step back and everyone else said they would not be stepping in, but they would help him find carers. It took 10 days for him to cave as he really could not manage without any help.

My dad passed away last year. He was the lovliest soul ever but my mum moaned she couldn't cope. Wanted respite for him and carers. He got the carers but was too late for respite. Since then she has developed dementia (rapidly) and after many fights with SW is now in a care home. She is very engaged and lovely to the staff yet when I visit she doesn't even say hello. All she tells me is that I do nothing and am useless. I do everything for her and did for 4 years when my dad was ill. She thinks she is fine and screams at me. I do her laundry and have tried to make her room nice but to no avail. I leave in tears after every visit. Anyway, point is, set boundaries and stick to them. Every aspect of my life has suffered and she has turned into the nastiest, most selfish version of herself. I was heading for a breakdown but have pulled back and blocked her interfering, trouble making family who only ever criticised me. Now my life is much calmer at least for now. Don't let anyone judge you and if they do who cares! It is a thankless position and I wish you luck and love.x

🎯

@Thisoldheartofmine understand the point. Simply put one of my siblings would have to do it. DSis and I are retired so us really. DB seems to have taken on more and more work commitments so he always has the ‘I’m in London’ or ‘I’m working away’ card to play…which is fair enough.We don’t have that ‘luxury’ but equally we are both busy retirees, sadly having to let our well planned retirement hobbies fall by the wayside.

Corerct. Spoken as someone who had a grandfather in the exact same position!

@BlueLegume

I would advise you to talk to a counsellor. You are not your mother’s spouse, or carer. She will use you until you are run into the ground and then move on to the next person.

Im telling you this could go on for 10 or 15 or 20 years.

You have to get strong with your boundaries or you will be crushed, mentally, physically and financially. Get support from a good therapist and step back now and don’t be guilted into anything more than you can manage.

Many old people want what they want, and they will get it.

You must look after your health.

Same goes for the OP. Best wishes to you all.