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Elderly parents
Original poster

PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

266 replies

StillNiceCardigan · 30/07/2024 11:50

FIL is in his 80s and has Alzheimers and MIL is struggling to manage. We live 4 hours away and visit regularly but can't be there day to day. I'm devastated that they've cancelled the carers they had agreed to after one visit. Help me feel less angry at two 80 somethings who have just made life considerably more difficult for everyone.

OP posts:
Beamur · 30/07/2024 12:00

Your DH really needs to stop avoiding the issue. It won't get easier.
His parents are probably a bit scared of what's happening and want to abdicate all of this to someone else - DH.
It's not unkind to put boundaries in place.

Blueuggboots · 30/07/2024 11:59

Ring the carers and tell them his son doesn't do that and this needs to be reinstated.

Original poster
StillNiceCardigan · 30/07/2024 11:59

We thought they'd got to a point where they would accept support but clearly not. I'd be happy to just leave them for the next 6 months and see how they manage then.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkeyfeet · 30/07/2024 11:58

Oh god OP my nan did something similar. I was fuming as it had taken me ages to set it up.

Get the careers reinstated and be firm about it.

IncompleteSenten · 30/07/2024 11:58

You need to tell them (in a gentle way) you won't be coming, that you live four hours away and that if they have let their carers go thinking it will force you to step in then they have made a huge mistake because you will not become their carers and that you are concerned about their decision making given they've let carers they need go and seem to think you can come from several hours away to meet their needs so you think it's best to request adult social services intervention.

crumblingschools · 30/07/2024 11:58

How old is MIL? Is she of sound mind? Is she broken after looking after FIL and can’t think straight

purplecorkheart · 30/07/2024 11:58

Did they say why they cancelled the carers? I know a relative had a very rough and aggressive carer coming to her? We requested that this person did not attend again.

Olympics2024 · 30/07/2024 11:57

StillNiceCardigan · 30/07/2024 11:56

DH is just too soft to say anything to his mum and will just feel guilty and worried about them. Our next planned visit is on 17 August and I think we should stick to that. DH does have a brother but he is useless.

DH needs a good talking to. His parents need daily support to be kept healthy and safe and he can’t do that so he needs to encourage them to accept support.

Original poster
StillNiceCardigan · 30/07/2024 11:57

No to day centres in fact no to anything because "my son does that"

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 30/07/2024 11:56

Can your FIL go to a day centre? I know my MIL used to go to one but think it was just once a week.

Original poster
StillNiceCardigan · 30/07/2024 11:56

DH is just too soft to say anything to his mum and will just feel guilty and worried about them. Our next planned visit is on 17 August and I think we should stick to that. DH does have a brother but he is useless.

OP posts:
Beamur · 30/07/2024 11:55

As others have said - don't feel the need to step up. There's an easier solution but they have to accept it.

Karton · 30/07/2024 11:55

They can make a rod for their own backs but can’t make one for yours. Refuse to get drawn on this.

Dearg · 30/07/2024 11:54

You say ‘ made life ….for everyone’. Don’t let that happen. They ask when you can visit - tell them when you had planned your next visit - don’t rush to their side.

MIL may well struggle, but she was offered a solution and has chosen to cancel it. DH needs to ask her what her plan is now.

I would just be saying ‘that’s a shame, sorry no, I can’t come earler’

BeaRF75 · 30/07/2024 11:52

Just tell them that you absolutely can't visit.
You can try to reinstate the carers, but if your parents keep refusing then they'll have to manage alone.
It's non-negotiable.

Olympics2024 · 30/07/2024 11:52

Get DH to tell them you will visit when they’ve reinstated the carers and say he can ring them to sort it out.

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